feeling like a burden to all around me

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KusanagiShiro
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: 27 Feb 2012
Age: 42
Gender: Male
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Location: San Rafael, California

03 Feb 2013, 2:23 am

Everything is going to hell for me... my best friend is tired of dealing with my home drama... I have virtually no one now...my family ignores me, my mom hates me.......and my girl dumped me too....on top of that....we're getting a foreign exchange student from Japan and my mom gave me a "you have to walk on eggshells" type threat. any step out of line and bam, I lose my whole set of belongings, including all my clothes on my back.

I'm just a burden to everyone...



kirostun
Snowy Owl
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Joined: 9 Oct 2012
Age: 33
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03 Feb 2013, 2:30 am

I don't recognize the "you have to walk on eggshells".



UnseenSkye
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Joined: 22 Jun 2012
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Location: Cerbat, AZ USA

03 Feb 2013, 5:39 am

You have a family and a best friend. Yet you write as though you have no support in the world and no acceptance for who you are. I will venture a guess that you also have a place that you call "home" where you live and are recognized and can eat meals and take showers and sleep when you need to.

Some of us have not been so fortunate as to have family members who cared enough to stick around, let alone put up with us when we were acting out (throwing tantrums, demanding that everything be done on our terms, not caring how we effect others because we're not in a good mood... generally being inconsiderate). Some of us have been without a home and some of us are homeless now or facing homelessness. It can be a cold and dangerous world.

I do understand that we're not all great with empathy, but empathy is a skill that can be learned. It's a lot like learning to say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" and knowing when it is appropriate to say such things.

You aren't showing respect for the boundaries of others, which very often indicates that you don't really understand how to set good boundaries for yourself. You might ask your best friend to tell you when you're crossing the line from friendly conversation to overwhelming drama that is stressful and emotional draining to others. Even family members can and will reach a point where they will become exhausted by constant expressions of discontent or what they perceive as criticism (you might not see it in the same way). You didn't mention how your "Drama" manifests.

Your best friend may already have heard enough for awhile, so my recommendation is that you find an objective third party to speak with: a counselor, a therapist, a Medical Doctor -- someone who can help you understand what it is that you are doing or saying that's annoying the people closest to you. As for this "walking on eggs" business, I'm can't quite extrapolate meaning from it, either. If your mother is asking that you behave with civility while this exchange student is in the household, is this really an unreasonable request? It doesn't seem so to me. My mother didn't care enough to stick around and my father was a violent alcoholic who used me as a punching bag. I had a couple of friends when I got into my teens, but it didn't occur to me to tell them how terrible my life was at home -- it would have been much too weird and humiliating. When I spent time in their presence, what sense did it make to wallow in misery when there wasn't a thing they could do to make it go away? All I would do was cause them to feel unhappy, too. It was bummer enough to be living it and pleasant to get time away when I wasn't in school or working.

No one needed to ask me not to lay a lot of drama on them. As it was, I was attempting to remain alive from one day to the next without my father killing me. I didn't need to get hysterical over things not going exactly the way I wanted. I wasn't even communicating verbally or making eye contact with other humans most of the time. It's not easy conveying drama when it seems you're the only remaining member of some tribe who died out and no one else speaks the language. I don't feel sorry for myself, here. I was a musical savant, the winner of a full scholarship to Julliard prep at age twelve, went on to have romantic relationships, went to University on full scholarship, became a computer geek without ever taking a class and worked decades in software technology, including several years for a very large and famous company. What interests me, I learn about. I act upon my interests to the greatest extent possible. I suggest you find something that is really interesting: if you're really into drama, consider writing scripts for Soap Operas -- if you think I'm joking, watch one of these things. They are DREADFUL and could use an extreme overhaul. Or maybe you should get involved in the theater. There are Aspie actors. Imagine getting paid for unloading that drama and winning awards!

You are, of course, free to ignore every word of advice I've given you. I happen to think you're lucky and you're not appreciating what you've got. It isn't too late to turn things around. Your mother gave you a WARNING. Your best friend gave you a WARNING. This means they haven't given up on you YET, but they expect you to get your head together. Being autistic does not give us a free pass or an excuse to behave like jerks. Being "different" doesn't mean it's okay to be abusive and insensitive to those who are Neurotypical any more than it's okay for the Neurotypical to exploit or bully those who are different. When people give you a warning, it means they care about you and believe you have enough intelligence and strength to perform your own rectal cranioctomy. I'm not going to say it isn't painful to wake up and realize you're not perfect, just like the rest of us losers. I can't say it's going to be an overnight epiphany -- if you genuinely see a need for changing your behavior, you are going to need to work every day to bring that change about. By this I mean DOING things that are tangible, rather than talking about your plans. You see you mother needs help around the house and you'd rather plant yourself on the sofa with a bowl of chips? You get up and help you mother and don't make any noise about it -- no whining, no self-congratulations.

You want to keep your best friend? Then you might ask your friend what they liked about you in the first place and what has changed about you. If you can't see it, maybe your friend would be kind enough to enlighten you. And please, do not get angry with your friend for telling you the truth! THAT is what makes a true friend so very important. They won't BS. You must be grateful to that person for their honesty and loyalty and thankful that they didn't turn their back on you.