Woeful, worthless, demotivated (university, career)

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I just feel exasperated right now, and no-one close enough to me is on Facebook currently so I want to leave my thoughts here as it may be a good enough place.

I did my January exams a few weeks ago as a third year physicist. I've no particular affinity towards physics but my opportunities narrowed into it and here I am now, taking a physics MSc. That's not to say I won't try, push myself and sacrifice for a good end product in this degree.

The winter break's four weeks long and that counts as my study leave. I spent the first week of it brushing up for a driving theory test that I failed because the orders I was given on the second part contradicted themselves which cornered me. Then about a week of that was devoted to familial duties, with it being Christmas. But other than that it was pretty intensive revision time for my three exams: advanced mechanics, digital radiography and X-ray computed tomography, and advanced quantum mechanics.

I had enough time in the end to go through mechanics and radiography/tomography a few times, but quantum only twice really. As a result, my quantum mechanics exam went so badly I'd be very surprised if I passed. What's more, I've never underperformed like that in an exam before. I got the wrong idea of what questions were supposed to be done and the equations, all of which I knew, vanished from me until after the exam. I'm pretty sure the university protocol states that if you fail an exam, your re-sit can only possibly achieve 40%, ie. the minimum pass rate, excepting mitigating circumstances.

Radiography/tomography seemed to go fine though, and I could write and write for every single question on there extensively until the time run out. This is the only exam result I've got back so far. I checked it thinking I'd get at least a 2:1 mark but bracing myself in case it somehow was a 2:2. My mark was 41% on it, and I don't believe it.

Again, I really do put so much work into doing well on my course. I turn down going places, I've turned down the slightest part-time work, I've missed football matches, I've not bothered getting a girlfriend, I almost never get drunk, I don't dabble in any other drugs including caffiene, I avoid much involvement in any societies or organisations, all at least in part because I know it's vital to get this part of my life right. I desperately want to stay in my borough after graduation, which is pretty depressed and not great for job opportunities as it is. But somehow I'm doing so badly I may as well pack it in. I don't want to mention it to fellow students because their idea of a bad grade is 60%. The format of university learning is abysmal. It's screaming at a wall. You're given practically zero feedback on what you're getting up to. You're given the theory and equations but never told the methods, so you had to make a seemingly impossible leap from theory to practice that's never been properly told to you. To have exams the day after you've been on Christmas break is madness, considering people like me have festive and familial commitments dotted throughout December and early January. I have a mentor but she offers nowt. I regularly mention to her how flawed it is, how we should be given past exam papers and answers so we know what to prepare for, how we should be given as many examples as possible (this is how I performed well enough to get into university in the first place, being given the opportunity of learning method and exam technique), but it seems to go right through her ears.

I don't understand what my flaws are. I think I'm smart enough to be great at this but I'm under no delusions as far as I'm aware, rather I just think I have most of the move in place for me to excel, and even get some compensating marks this term. So what the hell is going wrong?

I've been moving along quite well this year. For the first time I haven't had a meltdown, for the first time I've handed everything in on time, and I've managed to make almost all the lectures, if not then all. In my first term I'd work until past midnight a few days a week. But I've been stuck for the last 90 minutes after finding out about this mark. I want to go out and get my groceries but instead of leaving through the door I walked back upstairs again and had a cry face-down on a towel.

I think I can accept writing off a career in physics. I want a summer job but by that I don't want an unpaid internship (slavery) or summat among the lines of burger-flipping or grinning behind a counter. I want to find summat skilled. Apparently the majority of physics graduates go into finance or defense, finance clearly being the lesser of two evils there. But how will I get a job when my grades look so sh***y? What're the chances of proving myself in work now I'm proving to be so poor in academia? I wanted a 2:1 because below that I'm another dreg with a superfluous degree, but that'll take a few 90%s this spring.

I've had enough of being told how intelligent and talented I am when there are clearly so many flaws about myself that if I don't pinpoint and eradicate them now I'm going to be leeching off my parents until they die. Advice and ideas of what's wrong with me are very, very welcome. Without meaning to sound arrogant I'll answer any questions if anyone's curious.

See if you can switch to a program you actually like. Otherwise just completing a university degree can lend you jobs not directly related, like in government.

It would've been a much more feasible route in my first year but it's now only going to show three wasted years, the only other options being chemistry and maths which I'll need a good while out to re-learn. But the main trouble would be the three wasted years and the excessive tuition fees I'd be facing on a new course. I know there may be jobs open to me, but I honestly can't see what.

That is exactly how I felt after getting my master's in Library Science. The school I attended was not accredited by the American Library Association. This school wasn't even my first choice. I initially applied to the State University of New York at Geneseo, which had a co-op program with the Eastman School of Music. I was accepted, then three weeks later I got the application and fees back stating we're closing the program down effective the end of this semester. What happened? I panicked and took the next school that would take me.

What's the difference between an accredited and unaccredited school? Not a damn thing! It's all politics. I remember working a temp job at the college of pharmacy and science in Philadelphia, as an acquisitions assistant in the library. I asked the acquisition librarian why this insistance. She came back, professional jealousy. I got this puzzled look on my face, and she explained further that the tenured faculty at ANY academic institution regard librarians as glorified file clerks. It has always stuck in my crawl.

Thanks for your reply. I'm not sure if I quite follow a parallel to your situation. So you got into a second choice university which closed down the programme, and ended up in a place that was just as good but found librarians' roles are deprecated by others. I can understand that, but I'm not sure of it's relevance. For one I very much feel like pushing on still, if to get any result out of this degree. I'm just very demoralised as it's been like taking a two-and-a-half year kicking so far.

I know how you feel about wasted years. I finished a Bachelor in the program that I eventually resented and had trouble with, but mostly stayed in it because of parents and security. Now also stuck in a related job, and while I want to change my career now it is even harder, especially since I have a mortgage. At least you are still in school, you can switch to other programs. A lot of people do it and some credits are transferable. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what's the best option for you, generally its not too late to switch. As far as money goes, i paid for my school with summer jobs.

Science and engineering are the toughest subjects in school. For us also the intuitive approach of teaching them may make it more difficult. Have you thought of other fields.

A belated thanks for responding once again.

The reason I got into physics is a bit abnormal. In school I was a good drawer, good at music, good with the English language, convincing with the humanities, top of the pack at maths . . . the only things for which I didn't excel at all were the sciences (at times), handiwork and PE (podgy). I wasn't bad at the former though and apparently was asking why the Earth didn't spiral into the Sun at the age of four, etc etc, I suppose the idea of trying to dissolve salt, sand, sugar and stones in water as a class experiment for the fourth year running didn't excite me. I wasn't the type of kid who got chemistry sets for his birthday and make bottle rockets either. I wanted to get depth of knowledge in science later on for the sake of knowledge, so took the sciences for my A-levels. Physics was the best option for a degree after that because I underperformed in my preferred chemistry. I was definitely best at maths but maths was by far the most likely to bring me to meltdowns.

Were I able to be 16 again and choose my subjects for A-level, I'd choose say, maybe English, music, philosophy, and maybe one science or maths. I think they would be fruitless to take a new degree in though now tuition fees are so high and those subjects are unprofitable. It's a shame I have to look at degrees in that cynical a way.

In conclusion, I've lead myself down a trail where I may as well carry on. I've left subjects behind that I could've thrived on and have to accept that for now. Physics, in terms of enjoyment, is fine for me during the week but on my Saturdays, when I never touch a bit of work, I'm very glad indeed to not be a physicist for a day. So it's not a daily joy like feeding dolphins off the Australian coast, but it's hardly doing tax audits either.

As it happens I've received a bit of help recently from my university's equality service, and today got a few programmes delivered for my computer that help a lot in organisation, recording lectures, mind-mapping, putting all potential knowledge on a subject together, so hopefully with help like that I'll have a more fruitful second term.

Yeah at this point it sounds like staying in physics might be the best way to go, especially if you don't have much left. Its true those other subjects are difficult to find work in (I felt the same way about Psychology, turns out though there is a big market for it now whod have though). I'm not sure if physics will be as promising either, for me a science degree turned out to be not very practical for a career. Any University degree will look good on your resume for many jobs however, and its never to late to try different jobs or study something else part time after you graduate. As far as the stress goes, be prepared for more of it comes with the subject - take it one day at a time, if its possible I would recommend stretching out your program and taking less courses every year that kinda worked for me.