Improved attitude, conquering misanthrope

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Here we go, folks. Time to pour my heart out a little.

I had what you could describe as a very difficult childhood. Parents split, mother couldn't do the role of two parents, lack of discipline, kids at school tormented me, etc. I'll keep it short, basically everything in life up until I was about 18 taught me to, quite simply, hate most of humanity. I've seen some of the worst it has to offer, and the residual effects of this hatred and the mistreatment I suffered at the hands of neurotypicals still scars me to this day.

I am also reasonably intelligent, and have a way of seeing the world for all of its harsh realities. I'm extremely well versed in evolution and evolutionary biology, not to mention evopsyche (I know, I said a bad word). Hypergamy alpha males bla bla bla, yes it sucks but it's just how the world is. Yes money rules the world, businessmen and movie stars get it all while poets and scientists get jack s**t.

But you know what? Somehow, very recently, I've just decided to say......."f**k it. By the Gods, this s**t is eating me alive. I am so full of pessimism and hate, that I can't even enjoy life anymore." I've been like this all day. I went out to do some last minute xmas shopping, and I decided to go around reading my poetry to random strangers. Telling random jokes. I just...went out and interacted with so many people today, and felt this...new feeling in me. Instead of these flames of hate, I've got this flame of passion instead!

Everyone has reacted to me differently. It really DOES seem to shine through somehow. Clerks (especially girls) reacted better to me. I would have friendly banter with them. I could even flirt with them! And I don't even know how I was doing it...instead of having to think about it, it just happened! Flirt with clerks, flirt with girls, just TALK to girls and suddenly they're flirting with me...I was amazed at how readily they somehow seemed to sense this about me, when I thought I used to be such a poker-faced fellow.

Could it really be that simple? All this time I was so goddamn concerned about understanding the "NT language" and what have you, and being able to "wear an NT mask", but then today I just decide to free myself of my negative emotions, and even though I still don't emote much, even those subtle emotes seemed to have a much different effect on people.

I really......really.......really hope I can keep this up. Maybe this is where I've been going so wrong.....of course it is.

This is a great story Shau. Good luck. And thanks for the inspiration.

reading about your turning point is inspiring. i know change is hard, but i hope you keep it all up for the sake of your own well-being and happiness.

Fantastic story Shau! I wish you all the best for the future.

This is what I've been trying to do lately too. Just have a "f**k it, I do what I want!" attitude. And it's had excellent results so far. I've been doing it for about a month and a half now, and life is so vastly improved...

Way to go! Hanging on to that hate takes a ton of effort and is toxic to yourself and everyone around you. Letting it go is difficult, but it sure pays off!!

It's easy to go back to old patterns though... thanks for reminding me not to go back that way!

Cheers!

I'm actually trying to do the same thing, oddly enough. It's working a little.

Right, so as I type this it is Christmas in New Zealand. Today, I rode around on my bicycle saying "Merry Christmas" to every person I rode past. Lots of responses and conversations. "Did you get anything nice for Christmas?" "Nah, I was on the naughty list. "lol what did you do?" "Oh you know, kicking puppies, stealing candy from babies, and oh....breaking young girls' hearts."

Hurrhurrhurr. There was one particular person, a girl maybe late twenties, who looked like she had literally had her day made. She was smiling the entire time I rode past. I probably made a few days, who knows? There's a whole new world out there for me, so long as I can keep my heart in the right place. Let's see what Boxing Day brings my way.

Today has been really rough, but I think I'm going to manage to nip this in the bud before it turns into a full-blown slump.

I got rejected in a pretty hard way today, and it eviscerated my ego, but.....

...that's life. It's brutal sometimes. lol it's always brutal. But what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Weakness is only a chance to become stronger. Those who are born strong, can never see through the eyes of the weak, but those who were weak and became strong can. Keep at it, mate.....

So. Issue.

While learning to stop hating humanity has definitely helped, hating the universe still leaves me bothered as hell, and is not easy to stop. At the end of the day, I'm still very cynical of humanity, and possess no flattering view of it, not of women, not of men. There are times when I almost think it was a mistake to give up my faith in God, I really WAS happier then. Perhaps that's the purpose of religion, it's a happy tool used by humanity to keep people content and fulfilled. For all the...."eccentric" beliefs of the Mormons, they sure are a glowing bunch aren't they?

Unfortunately, my mind is trained to not change it's mind simply because it doesn't like something. The only thing that can...is changing my understanding of something, or presenting me with new facts and evidence. I fear that, equipped with a myriad of knowledge of sociology, psychology, and evolution, I'm never going to have a flattering view of humanity, and to some extent this will always show.

Does a mod want to put this in The Haven? Not sure if it really fits this section anymore.

Have you read Life of Pi? It tackles the differing perspectives of science and religion quite well and I found it an enlightening and uplifting read. Perhaps you'll get something out of it, too (even if it's just enjoying a good story)? The movie adaption is astoundingly mediocre, though, so I'd avoid it!

EDIT: Not that I'm suggesting you need religion to be happy. I consider myself a woman of science and that has not hindered my enjoyment of life whatsoever, in fact, it's only served to fuel it. It probably helps that my main scientific interests are centered around the wonders of the the natural world (geology, volcanology, marine biology, etc) rather than evolutionary psychology, though generally I find human behaviour fascinating rather than depressing anyway.

Last edited by ruckus on 31 Jan 2013, 11:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.

It sounds like a lot of people are doing this. I made a similar post a couple weeks ago.

I have a pretty clear head now. I have posted some knowledge on here. I have the occasional blip where I listen too much to the thoughts and less on what my feelings and inner self are telling me. I am finding myself to be not afraid of anything. It's a tremendous feeling to have. I usually feel very peaceful inside and conflict is being handled much better now. Shau... it sounds as if you are doing similar things. Keep it up.

moved from Love & Dating to The Haven. i can move it back if you want, though. not sure if it was just a passing thought or not.

Congrats Shau! What an inspiring, heartwarming post.

I feel much the same way. Despite being an Aspie, I am quite extroverted, I stuff up, its inevitable. The nasty pain that comes from the mistakes I make in social situations leaves me hurting but it is better than the alternative, so I just take a cup of concrete harden up and keep at it. Good story.