I ended up having to live in Edinburgh, Scotland, and don't have many friends but some acquaintances who don't call or email me. The three friends I have are actually women so I don't have a group of guys to hang out with mainly because guys in this country tend to care and talk about only 3 things: football, drinking and more drinking till they get drunk or 'wasted' which is apparently the purpose of life, and sex (which I do love but hate the other two). On top of that, most guys my age (I'll be 30 next Friday) have had more sex than I have and know how to pull/pick up women better than I do without fear or shame which I am hoping to treat with a combination of drugs and hypnosis. Also confidence issues. I've suffered from severe depression many times for many years and even attempted suicide more than once.
More importantly I suppose is that I don't know where my life is going exactly. I'm currently going to college to do National Certificate course in Social Science which sounded interesting at the time but I've become so frustrated with it and worry if I'll actually finish it and wonder if I'll be better at more practical stuff like Creative Arts including photography. Most of my life I've spent it trying to be someone else or be like someone else because I didn't see what else I could do. Other people were being admired and praised for their achievements and I am not like other Aspies who are apparently always technical geniuses in computers, engineering or music artists (like the beautifully talented Maja from Denmark) and I am none of those things. I've changed my mind many times what I should because I'd wonder if I were capable for it and I thought it would make me special and I would be admired and praised like the others.
Overall, most things affecting me these days are 1) being alone 90% of the time 2) wanting to make friends and have joined a few groups but there's no guarantee for results because they could just become 'casual' friends like those at work or college 3) I'm just getting older and while other people are having the time of their lives hooking up whenever they want, I remain trapped and afraid while others do it freely and without cmplications 4) I don't know if I'm capable of succeeding at anything at all and whether I will end by my hand sooner or later because I doubt I will survive a 3rd time. Didn't think I'd live to see my 30th birthday.
This sounds alot and complex but I don't know what else to do or say.
04 Feb 2013, 7:40 pm
