having trouble coping - not sure what to do

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And not sure where to start. I recently acknowledged to myself that I have to be on the spectrum, so to speak. At 34, I've been in and out of college and struggling for years to work full time and thinking if I just did this or that then I would be "normal." A lifelong pattern that I've seen in my father as well. With all of the information out there about autism in girls and women, it is just so obvious to me that this is why I'm different. I guess I'm dealing with a lot of sadness at facing the fact I will always have these problems, but also glad there are lots of people out there who have the same problems. I also lost a family member recently, and I've had all of this sadness from that loss and all of the lost years when we could not relate to each other. I'm still working a job that I hate while job searching, and the stress of that just wipes me out. All of the social stuff of interviewing and following up has continued for several months and is giving me panic attacks, and now I'm starting to shut down. I worry I won't be able to work anymore, and then how will I live? I don't live a lavish lifestyle by any means, but would I be able to live in poverty? Any advice on coping would be appreciated. Thanks.

I'm at a similar point in my life, but things have gotten TONS better since I got diagnosed (for you, realized you were on the spectrum). Just read, read, read some more about it, everything will make some sense.

I'm just saying this from 'the other side', I guess. Looking at life the way you are, that things will always be some way, is what causes us the most pain. We do change, adapt, grow, and now you will have the tools to do so, knowing yourself, etc.

It's sad some days, but I have to anchor on what works and what feels good to me. It's hard to focus on myself, never really bothered. Maybe you too? Welcome and hope this place can provide you the answers you seek; it did for me and I have just been around for a little over a year.

Also, on a 'solving it' angle (your job thing), now that you know you are on the spectrum you can tailor your job search to something that would suit you more? That helped me a lot, I am still in the field I love, but I took a "sell-out" gig just to have some normalcy and get away from a lot of negative aspects of my industry.

i wish you the best.

Thank you for responding. And yes, I am looking for a job that will be more independent work and less social. This has been a little challenging given I studied psychology and most of my work experience is with jobs that are very social. And yes I hav also been reading as much as I can. Sometimes its helpful and gives me a better understanding of why certain things happened as they did. Sometimes I feel relieved. But then I sometimes beat myself up for making what now look like obvious mistakes. And I go back and forth with the emotions. I'm just getting hit with a lot right now and I'm at that point where I feel the need to talk and talk and talk. But this is not something that will help the few relationships that I hav. And I've found counselors or psychologists are not very helpful, because I hav to spend several sessions explaining myself and paying for someone to get to kno me. But in the end they misunderstand me and I get nowhere really. So any suggestions on handling stress and emotions without talking endlessly....?

If no one will listen, write it all out. Start a blog, journal, etc. Post here too, it really helps when someone else 'gets' you, and trust me, anyone who replies directly relates and has experienced what you have, otherwise (being Aspie) they wouldn't contribute. We don't go around patting each other on the butt like NT's.

When you spoke with doctors/counselors etc, did they know you were likely on the spectrum ? Probably not, since you yourself are not sure yet. Anyway, if you can find out if you are that may help get better counseling, etc, or even medication for the associated issues like anxiety. Anti-Anxiety meds have changed my life for the better no questions asked. When I saw shrinks and had counseling I was unaware I was on the spectrum and their approach and work was not really effective. It was like they were treating someone for low blood sugar who actually has high blood sugar. Certain things crossed over like treating for anxiety, but much did not relate. NTs and Autistics are apples and oranges.

As far as yesterday goes, it of course can not be changed. But you can take that retrospective insight and use it to help you make better informed choices in the future as you understand yourself better.

The field of Psychology attempts to weed out people who wish to make it a profession with two main criteria. The first is being unable to spell it and the second is being 'normal'. If you suffer from either of these conditions a career in Psychology is going to be a real uphill climb. Yes, tongue-in-cheek but not without a grain of truth. Having been there yourself is a useful thing when dealing with others.

In studying psychology, my goal was to work in research. That has been my main goal everytime I look for work. But since there are few opportunities, then I end up in something I'm qualified for but not the best fit.

I find posting here helps a litte, but I still hav this awful problem of venting when I get started on a topic. I just try to not talk at all, and now that I see a lot of things in myself that I was blind to before, I just try to interact with people less and less.

I'm not sure where I'm headed really. I feel trapped all the time and not sure how much longer I can keep this up. I might not be able to continue working wth the way things are going. But I hope I'm just at a low point and will rebound sometime soon.

I hear you and you could say i'm in the same spot. The thing that sucks about research is that in itself it is a socialized system. Who you know & social networks you make basically determine if/what you get...not your actual work or proposal. Its an absurd system but very NT.

I can't really suggest any coping mechanisms for the job issue... i'm still figuring that one out myself. One of the things I'm doing of late is that despite having studied anthropology/archaeology I've always had an interest in apiculture and once I graduate this semester I'll be applying to apprentice to a local beekeeping company. Seems a nifty job with little people contact

That sounds like a good idea. I hav some opportunities to work with horses, and I'm exploring that while doing everything else. I feel kind of stupid for putting so much into having a career and not getting what I want out of it. But then life often seems to be about the death of our dreams. And how depressing is that? Lol

One of the cruel ironies of Asperger's is that I can see my potential, but I can't reach it. I don't know if it ever gets better. It hasn't for me. Right now I'm just going for "participation" marks.

Sounds like my life in an nutshell. I can draw out entire city plans in my head, but my drawing and verbal skills are atrocious so my brilliant ideas are stuck in my head. Even as a child, I could see what dozens of 'experts' could not but nobody would ever listen to me. I feel like a person trapped in a glassed in soundproof room. All I have to do it get someone to hear my voice and I will be rescued but they can't hear me.

I have a good job but it's depressing knowing that I am smarter than 99% of the population yet cannot get anyone to recognize it since I'm never given the chance due to my poor communication skills. Luckily I was interviewed by 5 people at once so my extreme introversion wasn't immediately obvious to everyone.

It's like I'm incompatible with the human network. I know I have value, but there's no way to access it. I keep hoping the ship will come back and get me.

So well put. Same for me too, and the damnest thing of it all is that people actually think I'm full of myself.