My Grandmom died

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My Grandmom died Sunday morning. 4/14
I am not dealing well at all.

I won't let myself cry for the most part. Then I start bawling. I am taking it out as anger and am being vile toward my husband. I absolutely can not balance this. I know I need to grieve, but I don't think I know how. My way of "dealing" with death has always been total avoidance of anything related to the person who died and NEVER going back to where they lived. I haven't been back to the entire state of Virginia, USA since my great aunt died. This is not a possibility here. It actually has made this situation worse. I realized recently that I had been avoiding my Grandmom for about 3-4 years. Since my Grandpop's death. I couldn't bear to face up to the place where he had been and wound up sacrificing time with my amazing Grandmom in the process. We did make amends just before her death, but I'm having extra trouble dealing with this because I had to come back to where my Grandpop had been and deal with the loss of time with my Grandmom. To make things even worse for me, my Aunt is going to be staying in the house where my Grandpop and Grandmom lived. How am I supposed to go back there? All of my Aunts and Cousins and Nieces and Nephews and Sisters and Brother, etc etc will be going there whenever family meets. Everyone always met at my Grandmom's so that is why my aunt is moving in, to keep the family home and to keep the family together. I feel sick to my stomach thinking of it. The services are this Friday, 4/19. I know they will be meeting at the house after.

I am really concerned about my reaction and un-called for hostility and nastiness towards my husband. It seems every time I open my mouth I am an Idiot towards him.

So I kind of have three issues wrapped in one. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read. You guys rock. Just knowing someone out there can understand me even if my family can't makes me feel less alone.

Hopefully your husband is pretty understanding and won't be too aggravated by your anger. Some people could be really put off by uncontrolled emotional outburst and run for the hills.

sorry for your loss.

try journaling. express more of your anger on paper and less toward your husband. he is not your personal punching bag. or get in the car with all the windows rolled up and scream (not too long or you'll lose your voice). or punch a pillow.

the first few times back at the house will be hard, but you will begin to associate the house with your aunt and visiting will become easier.

My heart reaches out to you. My grandma passed recently too and I was closest to her than anyone in the world.

For me, what has helped is that I remember only the good bits... she used to say "Oh I suppose" whenever I asked for something. So I hear her say that.... or I think about how I would go through her stuff. Trips to her house. I don't ever think about the fact she has passed. In some way I have frozen her in time... I think about how I hadn't lived close to her for a long time because she moved far away... so in my mind that is all she is... far away still.

Maybe you should allow yourself the emotions.. even if they are big and scary. When you visit the house find some alone time and know that you are safe and your emotions can't hurt you even when they feel like they can. Let them go in the safety of a private moment... Talk out loud to her and think like she can hear you. Let her know all your feelings that you have not been able to tell her previously.

As for your hubby... try talking to him when you have a good moment... when calm. Try explaining that your emotions are mixed up.. for instance when I am super angry I cry.. or if someone hurts me I get angry. Let him know your grief has turned to anger. That as soon as you can you will be doing better again. Don't let the anger fester and bloom in him to a resentment...

I wish I could tell you better things... I just know this is what helped for me.

When I was younger, close kinfolk dying didn't really effect me. When my grandfather died, I barely noticed. I read the letter from my mother telling me he had passed away and then set it aside and went on with everything without giving it a second thought.

My grandmother died when I was at home and went to the funeral. It really didn't effect me much.

My uncle Joe was killed in a car wreck. From my reaction, you would have thought I never met him when he was really one of my favorite people.

In the last few years, I've begun to open up enough that things like this now bother me. My father's death in the late 1990s bothered me some. A month later, a cousin died and that bothered me a little. Then a couple of years ago, my next to oldest brother died and then my mother died and that bothered me quite a bit.

Sorry to hear this.

Grief is a complicated process and it sounds like you are now feeling it for both of your grandparents.

Keeping it all inside is just going to damage you and your relationship with your husband so best to let it out.

You could spend some time at your Grandmoms house before the service on Friday, either alone or with a close family member. This would give you a chance to come to terms with what has happened and avoid a meltdown in front of the family after the service, when everyone will also be upset too.

Try to accept this now and do not let it become a bigger problem, it sounds like you have a family that you should keep in contact with rather than become estranged from.

Best wishes.

Sorry for your loss.

So, after a few minor meltdowns I wound up with a two day migraine that kept me from the services. I'm still physically and emotionally a mess. Anxiety and nausea are the order of the day. Not sure how long it's going to take me to rebound, but I have at least been able to speak with my husband and I'm not being mean or feeling hostile anymore. Thanks for all of the help and the reminders. I knew I could count on the people here to keep it straight forward. For me, stuff like this requires a straight up autistic/aspie viewpoint. My family members (other than my husband) prefer the NT squishy stuff. Just hearing "awww, it just takes time" doesn't help me. Specific advice to different aspects of what I am dealing with does.

Sweet Pea hugs

I'm sorry for your loss. Try not to beat yourself up for angry outbursts...grief takes many forms.