Trying to crawl out of my depression and isolation

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I'm currently sitting here at work looking around the room where I sit and feeling isolated, I see people but I don't feel any connection to them. I wonder why this is but not that hard because it is nothing new. Its Friday today, I know that I look forward to another weekend of not leaving my home and barely leaving my bedroom. I don't really know how I continue to come to work every day, I guess the routine of work has taken over any other thought about the action. I just do what I've been doing for the last 4 years.

Its may and I realize that I haven't been out of my home on a weekend other than to visit my therapist once or more a month yet this year. I know I'm depressed, again not something new, I just keep rolling along hoping for something better hoping the latest medicine will improve my situation. I haven't really been out of my routine since March of 2012 when I had a group of photographers I was trying to join to make a new group of friends tell me I wasn't a good match because I was not open to their criticism. Or at least that is what I think they were saying. I was shocked by this as I didn't understand what they were saying, it was a communication breakdown where they believed that they were being clear. But with my difficulty reading subtle language or "constructive critcism" it came to an impasse without my understanding what had gone wrong. I'd gone through 3 photo shoots prior to them telling me to f**k off. I felt that I put in enough time for them to try to speak to me when I said that I didn't understand what they were trying to tell me. I guess now that I think about it this rejection was just another shot and kicked me back toward a downward path with my mental well being.

I haven't picked up my camera since this which previously had been something that brought me out of my isolation. I was hoping to make friends with people who were interested in similar things as me. As it stands I have a friend possibly two in the city / state I live in. I used to do things occasionally with them, now I don't, as things have dragged them out of my life. One went to law school and the other had a child. In truth only one of them really knows me well, he is the reason I am at a job, as he got me the job, but last year left it for law school. I've not spoken to my friend since January. I used to be able to get out and go to a support group, abet I never felt very connected to many people in the group. I'm interested in intellectual conversations and many if not most of the people in the group were not very capable of keeping up an intellectual conversation.

I guess when it comes down to it where have people found success in meeting people? I don't drink I'm fairly to very introverted, I have trouble even getting out of bed on weekends. I'm out of shape, and depressed. I'm not sure if I need an answer as I don't believe I currently will be able to get enough motivation up to change my pattern or routine. Perhaps all I needed is to vent a bit, get thoughts out of my head and into the world. I appreciate the answers or reply's I have received here in the past.

Maybe the key would be to not expect yourself to go from zero to sixty, from in bed all weekend to social, but from in bed to something a little less depressed? A little more engaged w/your life solo? And once you get some of that balance back, then think about getting out?

I've been working on the 0 - 1 and not really getting much past 0.000000000001 . I do understand that there are many interim steps between where I am and where I ideally would like to be. I've had my therapist tell me often if you can do something way beyond what you believe you are capable of it can be significantly more useful for self esteem than just doing something slightly beyond current reach. I'm not sure I totally believe that it would work though. I guess it is all depending on how a person functions. Personally I have trouble seeing positive movement I know there are points where I have done things which should result in feeling good about myself but rarely does the positive feeling get to me. I am emotionally slow to respond I may say emotionally blunted, it takes alot to make me feel better or for me to get angry, but the misery just keeps building slowly.

Therapists...yes, she's right if you're starting from someplace like normal.

So, while you're laying in bed, what do you do?

What's your living set-up? By that I mean house, apartment? Backyard?

Is it alright if I ask you a lot of questions to get some idea of what your situation is? Things like diet, special interests, sensory issues, etc.

Therapist is male, and hes a Psychiatrist.

Laying in bed I sleep or I watch tv shows mainly.

I live in my family home with my mother who is very helpful and understanding of my conditions, although not enabling of them. I have a fairly healthy diet outside of my enjoyment of soft drinks and what has become a habit of a starbucks mocha-frappuccino and pastry on my way to work.

I'm bothered by noise, especially voices and birds. I also have issues with temperature regulation mainly I overheat easily even when its 60f outside. I have a fairly large dose of social anxiety I'm not comfortable in a loud restaurant I tend to hear many conversations and my brain will try to follow any it hears. I tend to be able to deal with 3-5 different conversations before it is completely intolerable. Although, my tolerance has gone down in the last year or so.
I'm a technophile I work as a systems administrator for a company that specializes in a form of "big data" and has more servers and computers than people. I've had varied interests over time, however things that have stayed with me for awhile are photography, woodworking which ties into my interest in building things be they woodworking or electronics or something in between. There was a point where I was interested in weightlifting and working out, however that has waned as of late. I also used to be interested in outdoor activities, including skiing, whitewater rafting and kayaking, sailing, hiking, biking, caving and other outdoor things. As those things became harder for me they have held less interest. I was at one point rather active physically and in decent to good shape up until about 6 years ago.

I stopped my routine of working out and taking care of my physical self when I went through a fairly significant bout of depression where I didn't leave my room almost every day for nearly a year. This year ended with my undergoing ECT which was difficult to go through and not something I could see myself going through again due to the side effects and the efficacy of the treatment for me. I'm not going to say it didn't help because it did I got out of my deep depression, and ultimately was able to land a job and a girlfriend about 5 months after the treatments ended. The job has lasted and I still am working at the same place 4 years afterwards. The girlfriend lasted about 2 months until my father died and my girlfriend couldn't understand my desire to not talk to her every day. I was doing fairly well for myself for the next 2 or so years I was less depressed most of the time. Then I hit a place with experiencing people who weren't willing to try to communicate with me in a way that worked for me. And a rejection that pushed me down a precipice towards a significantly more depressed state.

OK, how about starting by making the bed less attractive...no more anything fun, no TV, no reading. You have to get up & go into another room to do that. Think that's doable?

Have you had your Vit. D levels checked recently? Strong evidence correlating low levels w/chronic depression. Not the sole cause, I'm sure, but every little bit helps.

Because your sensory tolerance has probably gone down, you'll have to take measures (earplugs? sunglasses?), but I'm thinking that eventually it would be nice to get you back outside, reading on a chaise lounge, looking dreamily up at the sky. The change in view, the spaciousness looking at the sky lets in is quite remarkable in its effect on me.

I'm glad you've got support.

I guess really bed can be substituted for a chair in many cases. I have tried to only use my bed to sleep, however the comfort level of a bed and the security of a dark calm space leeds me back to being in my bed for things other than sleep. I have a chair in my living room which is my second spot in my home. I've broken and fixed it several times and the fabric no longer matches the second identical chair in the room. There are things to being outside, and such, I've recently started wearing earplugs while I sleep and I can now sleep with windows open which is new for me. I wear earphones almost all day when I am at my job sometimes with calm instrumentals and Chill Out techno. I suppose I could do something similar when out of my comfort zone in the world.

I haven't had my Vit. D levels checked recently, or to my knowledge ever checked, I have had semi regular blood draws previously when I was on medications which required monitoring for negative side effects.

I'm very glad I have support I don't think I'd be here without good support.

Well there is certainly reason to keep going at work. Having a job and making money is something positive and can help get other things going. You mentioned several things in passing you would like to have or are not happy about. Friends, losing weight, purpose...

As far as I can tell, you only get one life in this game. Two of those things are in your control, weight loss and purpose. You realize no one is going to bring them to you, so in essence your life is waiting for you.

I have found, a bit to my surprise that mutual interests are not an indicator of getting along with someone. Friendship is based on other things, more to do with outlook and personality compatibility. You may find friends with completely different interests and personality types. You may fit well with someone who is quite different. Its hard to quantify, but the best method to find one is probably meet as many as you can, which will increase your chances of finding good matches.

OK, let's give it a try...

I'd suggest you do this sitting up, in the living room if you can. To help w/the mental shift.

This is a technique called Resourcing. It's grounded in verifiable neuroscience, so tho' it may not seem like much, it has serious consequences for the neurobiology. It helps rewire the brain towards the positive. Your psych may know something about it, even. I can give resources if you're interested in more therapeutic versions of it. What I'm going to teach you is the layman's version.

Some background...this involves two complementary nervous systems, the sympathetic & the parasympathetic NS. When our brain perceives a threat, the sympathetic NS gets activated, neurochemicals & hormones get dumped into our system to prepare us for flight/fight. When our brain perceives safety, the parasympathetic NS is activated, neurochemicals & hormones move into our system to help us rest & digest. When our system gets chronically overstimulated or unbalanced, we can get stuck in hyper-arousal (all those chronically pissed off people) or hypo-arousal (you & every other depressed person), we can even bounce between the two extremes.

When the brain/body is balanced, there's a kind of gentle wave that's happening w/the two systems, a little arousal (oh, that's interesting, funny, annoying), then a longer resting phase (just doin' the job, in a good state of mind). Our cognitive abilities can function at their best in this zone; it's called the Resiliency Zone. When we're in the Resiliency Zone, we can handle it w/out stress. We function at peak efficiency (for us). Life is good.

Someone who is chronically stressed has a very narrow resiliency zone, it doesn't take much to bump them right into overload & flight/fight, stressed out, hide under the bed mode. The good news is the Resiliency Zone can be increased w/practice.

The practice is called Resourcing. It's about supporting your nervous system in its attempts to restore balance to the system. It's a pretty simple technique, but it's a daily practice to get the necessary neurological rewiring to have a permanent impact.

That is lousy about the photography group kicking you out, for what, basically because you didn't want to do photographs their way? I mean, what the f**k. I've had similar experiences. Maybe one of the biggest disappointments in my life is when I got involved in peace activism in response to the first Gulf War in 1990. I was expecting the groups and majority of group members to be open and welcoming. But no, too many kind of shy away from people who are 'weird' or 'different.' Yeah, if extraterrestrials ever write an honest encyclopedia entry on the human race, they will probably label us "The Hierarchical Species"! And we really are. And if three, or four or more, rejections hit me in a row, it is very hard to tell myself that it's just the luck of the draw, like a baseball player having a bad streak.

One solution is to skip the low-grade followship skills and jump straight to the good stuff of low-key, effective leadership. Maybe even do indy media. And take a page from Ronald Reagan (even though I'm a Democrat and a liberal!) and delegate broadly as long as the person is going in the generally right direction.

For example, the photograph group, even if they had had a web page and each photograph had a clickable name (either real or artistic), and the fact that one photographer has a different style, that's a problem? ? Sounds like a plus to me.

I have struggled with depression, too. And I can preach doing co-ed softball, even forming your own rock band, but it all feels like such a chore. Which is part of the trap of depression, that it's biochem and social and situational and even the philosophic all swirled together. And I guess the point is to get activities, whether win, lose or draw, be glad you've tried them. Of course easier said than done.

I have not yet tried antidepressants. What I've read is that, yes, if one doesn't work, try another, just that everyone's biochem is a little different. And also, it's sometimes important to step down from a medication in phases even if it doesn't seem to be working.

And maybe the paradoxical, zen approach: both raise your standards about the kind of intellectual conversations you want to have and be more relaxed and forgiving when other people just have interests in other directions.

Shall I continue w/the Resourcing instruction or have I lost your interest?

Hate to bore people.

I'm still interested if you have any links to sites with more information that may be useful to get more than one explanation of it. Am I incorrect on it likely being a form of meditation? As I do try to meditate for 20-30 minutes a day. In the past that was an hour or more a day.