The hell of being a parent, the failure

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I am just feeling so crap. My AS and anxiety together, coupled with years of putting my 2 children first and trying to do the most perfect job I could of raising them, has left me unable to function to do what parents are supposed to do.

I feed them, keep them safe, play with them when I can, they are clean. But they want taking out all over the place and although I used to push myself to do it, as they are both autistic and my youngest one would have meltdowns and run off it got harder and harder.

I started having a breakdown last August and have been hovering on the edge of the precipice since then, stopped from going over by medication.

Children don't understand. They are very unempathetic on top of that because of being on the spectrum. They want and can't see why you can't give. They have unrealistic expectations such as being taken "on adventures" anyway and popping over to Disneyland (we are in the UK) and don't even like ordinary day-to-day excursions. It's the pressure, they are blaming me and saying I should be taking them out. But I have sunk so low and feel like I can't manage anything.

They also both like different places to go generally and if I even suggest taking it in turns to go to somewhere one likes the other will cry and make a big fuss and even run away.

I don't have any support from anyone to help out whatsoever so I can't ask anyone to help. One friend who did sit them once it was a disaster because of their spectrum behaviours and they were distraught when I picked them up. I was taking them to activities and places but it got so hard because of the behaviour issues and my anxiety and health got so bad and I believe I have Aspie burnout now and can't manage the smallest thing.

And all they do is blame me for being "unfair" and are incredibly rude and disrespectful to me. (I do discipline, I'm not a pushover). So I feel like an utter failure and the pressure on me is enormous. I don't know what to do.

whirlingmind,
I am without support as well, no friends, and all family being thousand or more miles away, and I don't agree with their behavior and belief systems anyway. Taking my (two) offspring as you say out all over the place has been off of my abilities for quite some time. Like you, I feed, play, read a lot to them and keep them and the premises clean. I have had to give myself permission to not be like normal parents, and I tell them this outright when they ask something of me that I cannot do. I don't over-explain, I simply tell them what's what with how I have to limit what we do in the outside world. Places like D.L., and or other amusements involving crowds, noise, bright sunlight or lights are not and will never be visited. We do go - when I can afford it in money and my energy, to quiet places in natural surroundings.
When I get accused of being unfair, which inevitably happens when at times i must step between them in disagreements, I tell them that i am doing the best I can in light of the fact that I love both of them. There are limits to the words and behaviors which are going to be enforced by me, whether it seems fair or not. If they will not stop argueing with me about fairness, I repeat that yes it is unfair, and yet it is the fairest solution under the circumstances as me having a meltdown will certainly be worse.
Pick the most incredibly rude thing they do or say, and focus on that to make off limits. If my kids do it anyway, I find I have to retreat to my room to calm down for a long while. And then I remove a privilege or an item which is valuable to them for a period of time. I don't announce I'm going to do it, I don't discuss it, it just happens as a natural consequence to them being very rude or hurtful to me. If they ask why I am taking it, then I tell them they can have it back after "x" amount of time and that it is a result of them hurting me and/or stressing me out very badly. I've had some success with this, but it takes a lot of energy and grit to stand up to them sometimes.
I struggle to accept the fact that our lives are very different than those of most of their school mates, that they are or have already missed out on many experiences which society tries to tell us all are imperatives; and that when they look back on being raised by me, they may not hold me in high regard. At least they have a parent, in my case a flawed one.
I wish I could offer more actual working tried and true suggestions.

God, your situation is so like mine. Isn't it awful. Children have a way of blaming and putting pressure on. And it makes me build up stress and feel like melting down. I'm suffering lack of sleep today too which makes everything seem worse. I just want it all to go away. I'd kill (figuratively speaking) for a holiday retreat all alone, to have some therapies and read some books and just get all the demands off me. And feeling like that makes me feel even more of a failure because they didn't ask to be born and I gave them autism which they didn't ask for either and it all makes me feel so useless.

Hope you get some good sleep or nap, and can be at least somewhat refreshed. Any lack of sleep really messes me up. No matter how much you feel like a failure, you aren't, you are strong to be doing what you're doing, to be going forward day by day. Wish there was a way to ease the strain, take the pressure off for a good long break. Do you have any simple things you enjoy, like having a cup of tea, reading or walking: accessible, free or almost free stuff like that which can give a bit of energy back to you?

I don't know what it is, but even having them in the house with me, even if they are behaving I feel like I can't do anything, it freezes me up, I have bad enough executive dysfunction anyway so I don't know if it's to do with that. I can't even read a book. And I used to love reading. I was reading at age 4 and was always known as a book worm. But I can't read when they are here and by the evenings I am too exhausted. I did get a little more sleep last night, thanks.

We are due to soon get some respite care through our SEN SW, but even that will only be a block of 3 hour slot a week, which is nothing really, when you consider how much rest I need! Still, I will try to put that to as good use as I can, although I know at least initially it will be used on catching up on all the things I have fallen behind with rather than just me chilling out.

I hope you get a chance to get a break too. Are either of your kids on the spectrum?

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Sounds like you need to reclaim some of your life for yourself. You can not stop being a parent but no one can run at 100% all the time, sooner or later something will wear out.

Have you considered an assistance dog? Depending on various factors there is massive potential for help in this form. There are numerous Youtube videos showing examples if you are vaguely interested. I have just started researching the subject myself. Obviously I know little about your personal situation so the suggestion may be inappropriate.

whirlingmind,

Are you in any financial position to hire a qualified babysitter to help out a little? I'm sorry, I don't know how old your children are, but if any of them go to any school program you could probably use them as a resource to find out if any of the caregivers/teachers there are in any position to offer off-hour (hired) help to you and your kids. I have a list of babysitters at my fingertips to help me out at home while I'm there, so they get to know the kids but don't have the full responsibility of any of them, and they accompany me on trips because I find it's a safety issue if they both go off running in different directions, or say if one goes running off while I have to manage the other in a meltdown. Or maybe if you were to join a church or community service, there might be volunteers willing to help you out. I understand your exasperation and despair. You are not alone. I just wish there was more I could do to help, as I know how difficult it is!

@neilson_wheels: Thanks for the words of support. None of us like dogs so that wouldn't be an option, hope it works for you though.

@mikassyna: Well one is home-educated and the other has just started school at an ASC unit after being home-educated. She's not happy there though and I am having to deal with a lot of problems she is coming home with that are making her school-resistant. We can't really afford a baby sitter at the moment, although perhaps at some point we might be able to, as I said there are problems with other people looking after them, they really don't like it, such as when a friend sat them for me (and obviously they knew her). We did try a professional sitter (with SEN experience) recently and they didn't like her. (They are 8 and 11 BTW).

Thanks for your kind words. I think that is something that I could do with, someone who comes with us on things, because it feels like such a huge responsibility on my own. I will have to look into it.