Anxiety Bomb

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For seven years I was certain that I wasn't at fault. The choice I made had to be done, that staying the course was foolhardy and pointless. So brazen was I, the bridge I crossed was burned by my fleeting footsteps, assured I was the lion amongst the gazelle. I became angry, spiteful. I enjoyed a mentally manufactured bitter brew, sipping slowly until I was convinced there was no other way. The people I hurt weren't even being carried by the howling wind inside my head. Then, it all came down to bare on me, and I realized it really was my fault. My cavalier attitude became exposed to those actions. The deck was stacked against me, there's no questioning that.

Yet, because I was impatient, distrustful, arrogant, and bathed in molten fire, jumping and crackling about my opportunity, I scorched everything and everyone I knew. The worst part is the knowledge I can never apologize, because time has ravaged away the symbols that would have led me back to that burning bridge. I can never return. Yet this anxiety bomb that has built up inside has forced me to lose additional shreds of dignity and stoicism. I'm trying to retrace my steps in a vain attempt to try and apologize. I will fail. And it will hurt. Worst of all, I have exposed myself by returning to those old stomping grounds, whether they allow me back in to poke around or reject me.

Seven long years, and I foolishly hope to apologize to a person that has long since moved on. I have hurt too many people with my decision. I have forced too many lives to change. I feel that apologizing to this one person may help me find closure, which in my hubris I ignored. So I must continue to shoulder this shifting burden, knowing I have no one to truly relate this to. It feels toxic. It needs to come out. Nonetheless, it shall remain. A poison I must suffer through.

*offers a virtual hug*

The fact that you feel remorse for your actions is indicative of good character; thus, you are deserving of peace and forgiveness. Forgiveness is not easy for many people to grant, but it is very noble of you to seek it. May your quest be more successful and less poisonous than you assume it will be.

They wiped the forums a year ago. Restarted. There's no way I can possibly find that person now. No history left to trace. Just found out now.

We have all done things we regret, try to relax a bit. If you can't apologise then at least learn from it. This is just causing more damage.

Neilson, this is the Prime Mistake, the action that caused not only my world to unravel, but the worlds of those around me. I have actually traced the ripples my deeds have done across time and seen its effects. This is not just a regret, this was a life changing experience. This was the fork in the road. The one road I am capable of traveling. And I chose the worst ride for everyone involved. Relaxation provides the mind with idleness. Damaging the mind with haunting visions of the past is beneficial to me.

I have a massive headache right now. My anxiety will either create another pit for me to fall in, a creative flare, or both. I'm tired of just waiting. But I'm also incapable of action. This body is an empty shell. I have no determination for anything other than to see what happens next. I need this pain to have some sense of urgency, otherwise there's just nothing. I know this urgency isn't something that can be addressed. I know I'm picking at mental scars that haven't healed.

But I need to. It's the only thing I have. I've been floating around this life and my own misery is the only thing I can grasp at to keep me grounded.

To that end, thank you for the kind words Werewolf. My mind is struggling to accept your compliment but I appreciate it. For a split second, I felt better.

I can understand, I'm 43 have caused myself and others a whole load of problems through time. I'm in no way making your issues less but believe me I have been there.

It's not, it isn't and it never will be, it just feels that way.

An empty body is a relatively common trait for an Aspie, an empty mind is not and is a sign of depression.

You write well, is this where you use you creative flair?

It does take time to get an understanding of these things, if you don't learn from this experience you will not have a life without pain. Wouldn't it be nice to be pain free? Wouldn't it be good to have a bit more fun? Wouldn't it be nice to feel a bit more free?

I think you have paid enough now, 7 years of self harm is a big price. Try a new approach. You can always go back to misery if you don't like it.

It comes and goes in waves, like a sickness. Maybe it's because I haven't slept well in the past week but I'm too tired to be anxiety ridden today. There's little sparks here and there, but it feels subterranean now. No one responded to my post on those forums and I may have gone overboard with it. Could just be the nature of activity in that particular corner, but I'm a real big fan of melodrama. I'm pretty sure when I wrote what I did on that site I was doing it from an orbital space crucifix powered by sadness as my tears fell down to Earth.

Now I'm actually wondering whether or not I should delete the post.

This may sound a stupid idea.....
Could you write a letter to the person you want to apologise to but cannot find? And write everything you want to say to them? Then burn the letter or something?
For years I had someone I was really angry at, but couldn't tell them because they'd moved on. So I wrote them a letter and after that felt a bit better.