.... I really want to die

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..... The sheer barbarism and tribalism of this savage world has left me in shudders. I come on here and I find a war between men and woman, constant sexist BS from both sides because nobody wants to admit to "their side's" faults. Constantly I see people fight like cats and dogs, when the answer is usually somewhere in the middle (where nobody ever wants to look). Obvious facts are discarded by fear,.... damn nothing in this world makes since...... I'm sick of dealing with women who know nothing of my situation who make light of it..... They obviously do not care that I am in torture or that I am starving.
I am completely alone and I will always be completely alone. Apparently I'm not good enough to deserve love, or even basic human compassion...... Or maybe I'm just to good for the human race, I dunno........ I dunno, but it hurts...... Every day I get closer and closer to buying a gun and blowing my head off. My life feels pointless, I am a shadow, if I am anything else I am a deformed ghoul.... Yet I don't look half bad, and I do have a good heart.... Others don't see it because theyr too arguing for superiority or something. Really all I want is balance.
At any rate I am thinking about ending my life here. It seems every time I get ready to make this step, some blind hope reels me back in and drops me harder that I had been in the first place. Hopefully this time will be different. It's not hard for me to buy a gun off the streets out here.

Hang in there.

If you commit suicide, you will do one of the most idiotic things in my book. I do not like your comments in that thread started by KenM, but neither do I want to see you neck yourself because of these remarks. Pull yourself together and find something to do with your life....

stop thinking so much and do something with your life.

i've felt like this many times before. everybody on this earth will experience pain and loneliness and at first they won't know what to do with this desperation. at times even sitting here and breathing is hard but you must carry on. why? because this world has so much to give and take from you. every little bad thing can also be taken as a good thing and vice versa. they're not the ones who'll bring you out of this pain. that's all i can say, you have to decide whether or not you believe it.

You said you had seizures from anti-depressants. Someone has
posted that seizures can occurr in upto 30% of aspies anyway. There are anti-seizures medications and anti-depressants with lowwer seizures risk. If your prepared to destroy yourself then you
owe it to yourself to try to do it with meds that have a chance to
bring you out of the dark hole your in.

Well I'm stoned for now so I can take a temporary vacation from all the pain I have felt...... It's honestly not just my arguments on here recently, it's alot more, once I look at the big picture... It's everything, this whole damn world is just so barbaric and illogical. All the unneccessary suffering that I see, that I can feel........ But right now I have the option of not feeling it since I don't want to, that's what the blunt is doing for me. I'll sleep on things tonight and see how I'm doing in the morning.

I'm always afraid that antidepressants would make me more depressed because they create such a high suicide risk.

If you don't like what you see, try to change it, if just alittle. My church helps out one orphanage for Indian Children in Mexico. Ok it's one orphanage, but thats all we can do. My husband and I helped at a womens shelter, one shelter, but thats what we could do. My friend gives sandwhiches and blankets to the homeless, just that, but thats all she can do. Little here,little there, in our own backyard. I use to wonder, and wonder still if some of these people I've helped where angels in disguise. Then I remember back to many times being angry at God for not killing me in my sleep. I'd wake up and geez, I gotta face another day. But I know he never left me, he saw my tears, he saw my pain.I'm glad he spared me. And maybe I was used to ease some other peoples pain, I don't know.But I think we have to look out of ourselves and ask...."can I do something?" Even if it's alittle something. It does make a big difference, we just don't always see it. Then maybe we see hope for ourselves and a future for ourselves, expecally when we see that we really are worth while.

I'm too high to wanna think about my issues right now, I'll post again tommarrow sometime....

I think that's after you come off them. I had a fairly major depressive episode after coming off my pills, but I didn't neck myself (for obvious reasons).

Depression has a high suicide risk. Snake123 is in his late 20's I think and the suicide risk from anti-depressants is less in older people that have better impulse control.

I'm 23, thank you muchly.

Well, that's unfourtunate things have affected you this way. I wasn't really expecting to offend/upset you because I happen to disagree with some posts you've made as of late though. But perhaps people would not respond negatively in turn if you did not use insults and swear words at them, or trivialise their situations.

If you want, I can disprove that assumption.

I wasn't trivialising your situation, you do not have any idea what I am going through, do not pretend you do. And I am not sexist for saying that, it's an obvious fact, if you want a guy you can get a guy. If anything it is so blatantly obvious that your a sexist for denying it. I would love to be treated like s**t and dumped if it meant I got some kind of connection along the way. That is how bad it is for me. It's like arguing that senior citizens should become proffessional boxers, sheeeessh........ I never said you didn't have issues with guys, I just said I had it worse. That isn't something to be jealous of, believe me, you really shouldn't be jealous about something like that. Try hitting puberty before talking to me again, please.

I dunno what I'll do with myself honestly..... It's like nobody or nothing really makes since at all, this entire f*****g world is barbaric and archaic. I mean for f**k sake, we have the ability to cure hunger with cloning technology and yet we don't because some supposedly "morally superior" priest says we can't "play god", then turns around and "plays god" for his own selfish purposes. It's like that everywhere, "I'll screw you over because I'm bigger than you" and "My group(s) never go wrong", constant greed, hatred, ignorance, selfishness..... I'm not focusing on this s**t tonight. I'll write back sometime tommarrow afternoon when I get off work.

You're right, I have no idea what you are going through, nor will I pretend to know. I have not denied that you face difficulties, yet you have downplayed my own set of difficulties in the romance department (past and present) by saying I have it easier then men, and I can "get a man". And so it's no problem compared to yours. You make assumptions about how easy or hard it is for me to get this man. You make these assumptions with others here too. I have my own set of difficulties. They're unique to me and involve a lot more variables than just my gender. You need to understand this. Some aspie women here express difficulty in relationships and obtaining&maintaining them.

Dating is actually somewhat complex, I find, and involves a lot more than simply, "getting a man". If I was single and looking, I would want more than just any man; I need to be interested in him physically and emotionally. And he needs to be interested in me. Therein lies one difficulty! Locating this man? It's not that easy to me. I can fear going into public places or fear approaching a man. The only man to ever approach me was an middle-aged man when I was 12. Speaking of that, there is another issue one can face: safety. It's a real issue for people, especially including Aspie women. Because we cannot read cues as easy as NT, we may be overly trusting, and as women we are generally physically weaker than a male. There have been bad men and good men in my life. The bad men hurt me and it still can hurt afterward. It is very insulting for someone with no idea what I've experienced to tell me I do not face difficulty with "getting a man", as if the extent of the whole dating experience solely hinges on the ability to get a man. There's more to it than that, obviously. I find all the difficult stuff comes after initial courting, when flaws start showing more.

I'm not interested in arguing over who faces more difficulty. I don't care. I think we both face our own set of challenges as human beings. And I think you have the potential to attract a woman. But you seem to be awfully down on yourself and probably will not accept this statement. I hope you cheer up and stop insulting me because I disagree with some things you say