Life is so Unfulfilling

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I'm sick of the fact that nothing in my life is remotely fulfilling. Nothing brings genuine happiness to me.

I will always love my parents, but (on the more casual level) at the moment, I really don't like them. They just never seem pleased to see me anymore. My mother spends the majority of her time criticising me these days. Nothing is ever good enough for her. Now, she's even started criticising me for stimming. I am seriously pissed off now.

Some of you may know that I feel quite a bit of affection towards a girl at my school, but I just can't talk to her. Frankly, I'm not even going to bother trying anymore. I see no logical reason to continue building my hopes up and failing each and every time.

I think it's now safe to say that I have no friends at all. Since I started high school, I've been attending a weekly club for adolescents with Autism, and in the beginning, it was a large, healthy, diverse group with people of many different interests. However, at the beginning of this year, it was moved to an awful new venue in a public library on the outskirts of my city. The inconvenient location and the new timetable caused most people to leave, and that place is where the local NT teenagers hang out, which caused even more problems. One night, there were around 20 at either window, throwing things and shouting, we had people trying to break into the room, etc.

It has moved to a new location now, in a special needs school but the damage is done. The main friendship group established there is forever dead, and the one remaining person, who I've always considered a friend, has turned into an obnoxious dick lately. New people may arrive, but it'll never be like it was during the golden age.

I have no friends, no desire to spend any time with my family, no chances of love for the foreseeable future, . I hate my life.

I am SO sick of hearing people saying "once you're out of high school, it'll be better". Why should I have to wait for there to be even the most slim chance that my life will be anything other than utter BS? And yes, I say slim chance, because I see no evidence that anything is going to get better. Decent people are few and far between, my social skills likely won't improve. The chance of me living a successful life in western society (which is f*****g tedious anyway) is very, very slim.

There is nothing to my existence. Cold, I am. Dead, I wish to be.

The biblical book of Ecclesiastes really hits this topic well. Theoretically written by theoretically the smartest man to ever live.

In my opinion each person must choose for their own life what is important/meaningful.
Decide upon it, cling to it, and let no one dissuade you of your meaning.
It's yours and it is as valid as any meaning, anywhere in the universe.
Stand up for yourself, and defy anyone that says it is not.

I believe this is the only valid option.

My dear young friend, Comrade if you will. I will not feed you lines telling you about how glorious it is after high school because that frankly is a lie. Some things change and you will find yourself capable of engaging in the world largely outside the confines of anyone else limitations and if you work hard their imaginations but it will come with a price. The toll demanded for this autonomy is that of responsibility,
You lament the loss of this autism group but I am curious if you want it to be better why not make it so? If you attracted to this girl why not talk to her, the pain of rejection hurts trust me on that, but if you never try and just admit defeat before you even attempt something you will unfortunately meet your and everyone elses expectations. Step up and do it and do not hide behind excuses of inadequacy or inability but instead pour as much passion as you can into everything you do. You'll be surprised what you will accomplish when you do that.

My K-12 life was lonely and pathetic. I hope you find some friends and girlfriend. Treasure what you do have.