Suffocated by my loneliness

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Wow, it's only a bit over a month since my last post in this thread.....

I feel even more suffocated, now.... :/ my friend since years back is not even replying back, anymore. We were supposed to be friends forever. And now, I don't even have my dreams, anymore...... I have lost everything. I just see no point of living, anymore.....

....Well, there is my mom and our dog, but that is all there is. I think if we didn't have our dog, I would've lost my mind, by now. Unfortunately, I am horrible at taking care of him/her (due to paranoia, I won't state the gender). Also, I can't be around him/her, when I am in my apartment. My filth problems also prevent me from holding him/her..... I can only pet him/her and such, and then I have to wash my hands.... I can't even properly appreciate him/her being around, and wanting to be with me, due to my filth problems.... and my filth problems are so ingrained into my psyche, by now, that they seem entirely impossible to get rid of..... and I don't even really want it to go away.... better to be chronically careful and unhappy, than a bit happier and risk being infested with parasites. -_- Not that parasites are my only concern, of course.... it's also just the concept of "filth"...

Anyway, thanks for at least reading this post. Or these posts, if you didn't read the others, before. I think I'm going to have alcohol, now. I had some, yesterday, but.... I am not becoming an alcoholic quite yet, at least, so this time, it should be okay... I think. Will watch another episode of Darker than Black, while drinking it. Oh, it's red wine, by the way. Weird how I found the taste nasty, in the beginning, but now I have grown accustomed to the bitter taste, and much prefer it over white wine. I suppose it is a lot like my excessively strong tea.... almost no one could like my tea, in the beginning, if they hadn't already grown used to it.

Last edited by Beauty_pact on 13 Oct 2013, 1:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thanks for sharing your troubles. One of the reasons I sign in to WP from time to time is because misery loves company. I'm in pain all the time, so reading about a fellow WP'er in pain gives me someone I can relate to. Hopefully, our pain won't last. Still, it's good to know there are others like me.

The only person that ever loved me was a Dog, I miss that Dog so much, back then I was young and didnt worry much about "filth", Dog used to sleep on my bed with me.
Now though, I sometimes think it would be good to get a Dog again, but it wouldnt be fair to Dog as Iam at work all day, but also, just as you say, "filth", its hard enough keeping everything clean without a Dog would would be like a tramp that never has a bath or changes its clothes, living in my house and spreading dirt everywhere.

Such a bummer these neurosis'

At least now you are 132 you probably haven't got too much more loneliness to have to endure.

I'm not 132, obviously.... that would be a world record (possibly, anyway). I just think it looks better than '32'. If I was 132, and still looked as young as I do now, I wouldn't even have to worry about getting a few years older, as I would be aging so incredibly slowly.... so yep, '132' definitely looks better, to me, and cheers me up seeing, far more than '32' possibly ever could.

I'm sorry that you share the problems with filth. It really is a great way to ruin your life... to get obsessed with keeping stuff clean. Also tends to become quite ironic, in many ways....

By the way, my correction to my above post is from 'infected' with parasites to 'infested' with parasites... even if viruses and germs are parasites, too, but infested sounds best, when I mainly have worms in mind, anyway. -_- I also don't know why I said I am horrible at taking care of our dog.... I think "bad" would be a much better word to use. But... I have managed to do it really well, also, when I've simply had to... but usually, my energy simply isn't there, for it.... -_-




I'm sorry that you're in pain, all the time. -_- Yes, I also am in pain, even when I am "happy".... strange how you can be "happy" and very unhappy, at the same time.... I guess, the feeling of it is that... you aren't really properly there, anymore.... you are too enveloped in unhappiness to be able to be properly reached. I guess that is the same reason to why I've felt basically nothing when people I know have been dying, the past few years. I've even had to tell myself to act somewhat sad, or people will think there is something severely wrong with me.

Oh, today feels somewhat better. I am numb, today, instead. Numbness is pretty great, when you think about it..... anyway, so I've watched all the regular episodes of Darker than Black, now... the second season was much better than the first, which I was a bit disappointed with... it had almost no relatable characters, in my view. I now have the OVA left to watch... I wonder what I should watch, after I've finished that..... any suggestions...? I'm still to watch episode 12 of WataMote, though - it wasn't available, when I meant to watch it, last time. I really like how they've made that series.... such a breath of fresh air, with a main character that never would get the spotlight, in almost any other anime. I wonder if the manga perhaps is even better....

For a while I rented a room in one of the other Mechanics house, he had a cat, this cat of course would walk across the food preparation surfaces as would the wriggly white things I could see wriggling their way out of its anus.

Urg!, I can still see them in my minds memory even though it was 30 years ago, I cannot remember eating much in those days, think I lived on beer.

Ughh, that is so disgusting!! =_=; Yes, cats can be cute and all, but they really make me nervous, because of the worms they all too often get. =_= I do sort of like them, but I never would take one up, or be very comfortable with being around one.... and definitely, I wouldn't eat anything from people who have cats... =_= which includes a sibling, I was just reminded of.... never have seen the cat, yet, so I forgot about it.... ugh.... parasites creep me out so bad - especially worms. They even can get into your brain, you know. :/ Why aren't humans regularly given meds that kill worms, too? You give the stuff to animals, who usually are more sensitive to the strength of various meds, so it seems it should be even safer, for humans.... I want to take them regularly. >_<

I apologise for thinking that

._. ...For thinking what...?

Sorry to hear you are getting worse, BP.

What to watch next? This last few months I've watched all of The Sopranos and The Wire. Am currently on Breaking Bad - all three highly recommended. And Cumberpatch's "Sherlock". Sherlock's fun - he's portrayed as very much HFA.
My "what to watch next" list includes The Bridge, Dexter, Luther and Game of Thrones.

You know of Kurosawa's work? In particular Ran, Rashomon, Dreams, Seven Samurai. "Ran" is brilliant - a Japanese take on King Lear, as a Tokugawa warlord slowly descends into madness. You want it with subtitles as far too much is lost if dubbed.

It sounds like you are enjoying the tannin hit from red wine. I would suggest you do not worry too much about "alcoholism". I reckon most models of alcoholism are deeply flawed. And those of us who continually scream for release deserve some sort of "holiday" from the pain of it all. If alcohol brings you some release, then try not to beat yourself up about it too much.

Me? I'm a bit better than when I last posted here and it's all down to drugs. My latest is Risperidone (Risperdal) which is excellent for me. It is making my thinking less obsessive which is wonderful. A problem with depressive thinking is the flawed and stubborn perception that one can somehow "out-think thought". Slowly I am getting calmer and less suicidal.