Feeling Invaded

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So yes, my house has a lot of stuff in it. I collect things. I hate to let things go like my two sons' school projects and work. I like to keep birthday, Christmas, Valentine, etc. cards. My wife has a lot of stuff too like yarns, fabrics, shoes, purses, etc. But our house is large, but it is still wall to wall in stuff. The house is fine with me the way it is. My wife would like for it to be straighter. So I started boxing up some stuff this past summer and taking it to my parents' basement where other stuff of mine is located. But my wife thought her sister (who is retired) could help on our house. I was cautious. But my wife said her sister said she would only straighten up some things (do a little at a time) and place stuff in one of two large boxes for my wife and I to go through. I said---sure, that will be fine.

I come home from work today ( I get home an hour or so before my wife) and find my sister-in-law still at my house. And there are around 15 large garbage sacks filled full at my garbage cans outside in the rain. I thought "whoa!" I walk in the house into my family room where my sister-in-law is and she is saying, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I broke a snow globe." I told her it was ok. But deep down I was grieving because my parents gave that to me some time ago. I looked around the room and wondered where stuff was---I mean regular things we need---things that weren't in the way that were in shelves of library cases and coat racks. Where were they. I went outside in the rain and looked in the first garbage sack and I found four baseball hats that were in exellent condition belonging to my sons and I that were kept neatly stored in the coat rack. I found school projects that meant a lot to us in another sack. Things like a new solar powered large button calculator were thrown away. Good stuff was thrown away. I was in shock.

Oh, there were things you wouldn't believe she threw away---including the financial paperwork of a lot of money---paperwork needed to claim the large amount of money. There was a special silk rose our sons gave to my wife for Mother's Day that she threw away. I felt violated and invaded. I felt like I had been robbed. I felt panic. I am traumatized by it. She was not supposed to throw stuff away---only straighten and place things in two large boxes for us to go through---and let us make the decision as to what stayed. The family room is nearly 600 square feet---it can hold it.

But I am feeling really funny about this whole thing. I am afraid to leave the house for fear she will come back and do more although I told my wife I didn't want her back. How dare she do this. I brought the garbage sacks in the house. My family thought I was stupid at first until she started seeing some of the things thrown away---like a new box of envelopes, perfectly good scissors, my room thermometer stored on my piano, etc. That's when my wife noted her large financial paperwork was gone---although she had it stored safely in the room.

I am fretting because I feel violated. I felt like I was robbed. I don't want her to come back, but yet my wife still wants her to work in the house, although she things she went overboard too. I will put my foot down harder in this---my message is LEAVE MY STUFF ALONE, LEAVE MY SONS' STUFF ALONE...IT'S MY HOUSE---I HAVE PAID FOR EVERY PENNY OF IT OUT OF MY PAYCHECKS. She was only supposed to straighten it up and let us go through the stuff. As I said, the room is large enough to hold this stuff and still appear somewhat neat. I DON'T WANT HER IN THE REST OF MY HOUSE. I have old blueprints and valuable things throughout the house that she will mistake for garbage---she won't know it's priceless and one of a kind.

When I walked in the house and she was telling me about breaking the snowglobe, she was holding an HO scale model wooden house in her hands that belonged to me that an expert craftsman put together. It cost over a hundred dollars, and she asked, "Is this something you wanna keep?" If I hadn't got there in time, she would probably have tossed it away since it has two doors off of it that I need to reattach.

Sorry for rambling, rambling, and rambling. But I am traumatized by this and have yet to settle down.

. They have no right - this is tantamount to stealing.

Kick that woman out of your house right now.

Yes, I don't want my sister-in-law here ever again. After knowing her for 30 years (including the years I dated my wife-to-be), I will not be able to look at my sister-in-law the same. I feel betrayed. I told my wife I didn't want her here cleaning anymore. I talked to my mother about this and learned that a kind of similar thing happened to her many years ago. After my mother and father got married, my mother hired a housekeeper. My mom caught her snooping through her dresser drawers. My mom fired her.

I also have a groundskeeper. He takes care of the landscaping here and lawn work. I have kept this guy here for several years now because he doesn't bother my stuff. If I have something lying around the yard like an old beat up bird feeder or something, he leaves it alone. He does what he is hired to do---maintain the landscape, prune trees, mow grass, and weed eat---and nothing more.

And my sister-in-law was only supposed to straighten up things---not toss out things.

Thank you for understanding Alpineglow. And yes, I felt like I had been robbed. I really needed to vent this out tonight.

The strange thing is that although I hauled my stuff back into the house in garbage bags, I still feel like I lost it. I guess that's trauma.

I am so sorry about your loss.

I have tried all my life to not have attachment to 'stuff' and yet when anyone comes into my house I feel slightly violated. And when they start moving stuff around I just want to scream even though I know, intellectually, that I am over reacting and being unreasonable. It's very hard to explain. Sometimes I feel like the real ME cannot fit into my body and is constantly existing outside of the safe material boundaries of my skin which is why I am so sensitive and everything rubs me the wrong way..

Anyhow, I really hope you find a way to re-set your life. Do you have any ideas what would help you do that?

There are 2 screams that thing to me
2 You're a collector!
Things have value for their own sake and memories and cash value
1 we both have OCD
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

2 should come first
1 should be advised of it's irrelevance and offensive stinky behaviour!

Is it any better now that a day has passed?

Thank you for the replies. I do feel better now, but I still can't understand what was going on in her head to throw out perfectly good things. She called my wife later (they are sisters) and said she may have gone overboard throwing stuff out. I told my wife, yes she did. I still haven't gone through the garbage sacks of the stuff yet, but I am anxious to see what other things she threw out.

some people dislike what they see as clutter so much that they'd rather have bare surfaces than 'spare' stuff on the shelves. She probably couldn't understand what use or value those things were to you because they were of no value to her. She may have her own cognitive problems..

I agree. As to her possibly having her own cognitive problems---yes, I believe you are correct.

Her house is usually very messy and cluttered up. And I have watched her run her vacuum before and no matter what is on the floor, it gets swept up. It sounds like a chain saw as she runs over stuff on the floor, such as coins and other small objects.

One thing I remember about last Wednesday is when I asked her where this one baseball hat was, she said she had placed it in with the trophies she moved to the living room. But it wasn't there---like the other hats, it too was in the garbage. I went through two of the garbage sacks today that I moved back in the house. I found one of my older son's professional portrait pictures, several gemstones that were labelled and tucked in clear plastic containers that were stored in what should have been a safe area. I also found some of my socks, a big box of wooden matches, wrenches, and a lot of loose change, just to name a few of the things that were not meant to be thrown away.

Fixed.
I'd be livid.