Afraid of My Parents

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I respect my parents, but it's mostly out of fear, not love. Sometimes, when I don't follow directions properly, they overreact. They only seem to want perfection from me, even though they haven't taught me to act how they want me to act, so I find it hard to do what they ask of me because I am too afraid that I might fail and anger my parents. I remember times when I had become overemotional - too happy/sad/angry/scared/etc. - and how my parents were outraged with my behavior, even when I wasn't in public; it's partially because of their outbursts that I choose to act stoic and indifferent most of the time. I know that I'm ultimately responsible for my own actions, but I'm trying my hardest at whatever I do without stressing out, and it never seems like I'm good enough for my parents. It's really uncomfortable for me to live with them, but I'm not good at being independent or responsible, and I have nowhere else to go. Does anyone have any tips for someone like me?

It doesn't sound like a situation where change will come easily, so you'll have to commit to sustained action. Among other things, yoga and meditation can help improve a person's ability to focus and exercise self-control. You seem to have some understanding of how other people feel, so make sure that you stay flexible and don't get stuck in one idea about that. Stay open to reassessing the situation as you demonstrate more ability to manage your own life. You may have to prove yourself more than you feel necessary, but try to find a balance between your self-assessment and their assessment of your abilities.

Maybe you can learn to manage your own life, but you can certainly improve your relationship with your parents. Good luck, and try to be persistent while remaining flexible.

I was treated the same way by my family. I was lazy, never did anything right, and if it appeared I did do something right, I either somehow cheated or standards were set too low. As a result, I haven't spoke to any of them in years. I had to learn to love and respect myself even if they couldn't.

OK-- I have semi been there and done that. I was blessed to be, by the time I was 12, the ASD only child of an ASD single parent. The Gods of Undiagnosed Aspergirls really smiled on me. I may very well be the luckiest Aspie alive.

My dad might have got it-- look for the Truish Adventures of Saint Alan of Aspergia over in Art, Writing, and Music-- but plenty of other people didn't. They didn't realize there was anything up-- they just saw a freakish girl and gave her hell for her own damn good.

I'm assuming that you're youngish-- maybe late teens??-- and you and your parents have been riding the good old Diagnosis Wheel for a decade or so. Owch. I hurt for you, dude.

I hurt for them, too.

It seems to be waning (finally, thank the Lord!!) but the trend in therapy since Asperger's hit the DSM has been to see us as broken neurotypicals and either A) concentrate so much on the "broken" part of that that it's all about can't, won't, will never and they end up imposing a lot of artificial limitations, or B) concentrate so much on the "neurotypical" part of that that we end up hyperscrutinized, hypercriticized, and living in an overanalyzed, perfectionistic OCD hell as we're hounded to erase any trace of ASD because, after all, we're "smart enough to do it."

It would be my guess that your parents are suffering from this syndrome. It's not that they don't like you, or that they don't agonize over what they're doing behind closed doors-- it's that they love you, and they want the best for you, and they're running scared and doing everything they know to do, and it just so happens that they're trying WAY TOO HARD and turning you into a nervous wreck in the process.

What do you do about it?? Unfortunately, it's practically impossible for a kid to talk sense into a terrified parent. Let alone a Kid With A Diagnosis.

You've got some options. If you've got a friend with a sympathetic parent, you can talk to them (the parent, not the friend) and maybe get them to talk to your parent. Ditto a sympathetic teacher, guidance counselor, therapist, minister, or other adult whose ears aren't all clogged up with terror for their Poor Disabled Son. They might be able to get through where you cannot...

...but be warned that it's a crapshoot. I've got four kids, at least one of whom is almost certainly on some spectrum or another, and I know about Parental Terror. It runs high and hot and hard and deep, and it does not listen well. My two older kids can empathize with your position, too-- because I fight the urge to do the same thing, and sometimes I fail.

Your other option is to take all that criticism and use it to make yourself as high-functioning as humanly possible (since that's what they're going for anyway). Get a scholarship, get into a good college, and get out. Get an internship, get a wonderful service opportunity, and get out. A college on the other side of the country, or eighteen months spent drilling water wells in Africa, might be enough distance and enough time for you to shed some of the effects of the hypercriticism (and them to realize that, actually, Poor Disabled Son is really doing all right, actually, and they did a good enough job and maybe could have used to back off a bit).

I highly recommend that you read jrjones9933's post about three dozen times, and take that advice to heart. Be patient, both with them and with yourself. As hard as their behavior is to deal with, they seem to be people who love you that are more than worthy of keeping a decent relationship with.

Some real quality posts here. Hopefully I can add something useful.

Some parents just aren't good - or good people. It's as simple as that. Do your parents have aspergers, too? I find that a drive towards being perfect can come with the condition - or a denial of it. Regardless, forgive them, they know not what they do.

Everything I did wrong was a really big deal. So, I worked so hard to be 'good enough'. I remember being only five years old and deciding I was going to get a degree - just to please. How ridiculous is that for a five year old to make such a decision! When it came down to it - noone wanted to know, apart from the 'failures'. School prizes, doing well in sport because I practiced that hard out of embarrassment...nope, a big fat zero. Further qualifications, good job...nope. If anything, I was hated for it.

Quite frankly, it was a great lesson that I was being taught, really - you put a value on what you do, and noone else. Now, if you choose to live under your parents' roof, then you have to abide by their rules. However, you are free to think whatever you like.

See it as training, before you move on. Take the positives out of it, and it'll set you up for life.

To the poster directly above - I've a different notion of love. Love is love and cruelty is cruelty. If a parent is cruel, as far as I am concerned, a child is well within their rights to fly the nest and never speak to their parent again. Only the OP will be able to say if this is the case or not.