I'm About To Break

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I've never posted here when so angry rather than depressed. I'm pretty sure it will hit soon. Also, this is the first time I've seen my depression as a cyclic mood disorder issue when posting here.

Where to start?

Well, I've been angry all day but it sort of climaxed around 6pm.

It's got to do with dealing with a controlling person and also me shutting myself off from the world to no longer care about a crush.

First, with the controlling person. I tend to panic and have outbursts when I feel a loss of control, especially at the hands of other people. I fear I'm going to become violent, something I've never done, but I really don't know what to do about this situation. I feel my emotions blunting and that I'm just going to stop caring. I mean no longer caring about doing what this person says sounds good to me but I'm also rejecting everyone else at the same time. I don't want to be cold to other people, I just want this person to leave me to make my own decisions. I know how bad I can get. I was pretty oppositional as a teenager.

OK. I'm starting to get depressed now. Feel the tears coming etc.

And although I do want to lose these feelings I have for my crush I still want to be friends. I think that's all I want. When I have feelings for someone and we become friends I just lose interest.

I'm just so sick of feeling so mental. I just want to punch a hole in the wall.

I hate everyone but really I just hate one person. It's all because I can't communicate my feelings properly without breaking down and crying or screaming and hurling insults.

Anger is way better than depression. I regularly see depression defined as anger turned inwards.

To be able to direct anger proportionately and appropriately must be a wonderful skill to have.

Hate is not something I understand well. I mean I have experienced it, but what is it? So far I think I see at least two different types.

One is like extreme, deeply rooted (and usually ugly) dislike. Its the kind you find expression of in racisim, sexism, hurtful behavior, etc.

The other is like out of control anger, or maybe the demented child of it. I get a mental picture of what happens when you shake up a carbonated drink and it pops its cork. Its not directed trully towards anything specific, just anything in its path.

My guess is that its the second type your experiencing. And maybe the way it develops is not unlike the carbonated drink. But its your emotions, feelings and issues just becoming too turbulent inside you and 'kaboom'.

So it looks like a symtom and not the problem itself. Solve the inner problems and the hate will go away. You may end up wondering why you hated this thing in the first place

I am guessing the person you say you hate is yourself.

But how to solve the inner turbulence? I mean after all it isn't just a matter of getting your head together. There are likely real problems or dysfunctions.

Syncronized swimming. Join a syncronized swimming team for six months and you should be completely fixed. No. Just kidding. I wish there were easy answers. But you probably know there's not already. I do not believe your problems insurmountable. I'm fairly confident you can find the right mix of things to neutralize the erruptions. It usually is a mix of things for spectrumites. Learning, making changes, maybe meds. Some healthy relationships can help. They don't have to be permanant types. Just honest and positive ones. I am also pretty sure the target of your hate isn't hate worthy.

The last 48 hours have been pretty turbulent for me but I'm starting to calm down but seriously...

WTF?

I hate this person's personality. They are demanding and manipulative. I just have more trouble dealing with it than other people because I hate feeling controlled because of some sort of personality disorder. Sometimes I wonder whether they are wrong and I'm right, or vice versa or we're both wrong.

This is not an 'inner' problem - it's a whole bunch of chemical imbalances driving me insane. I know quite a lot about what's going on in my head, I just don't have a definite diagnosis yet.

I did say mood disorder, didn't I? Believe me, I have tried to handle my emotions. It doesn't always work.

I have a fear of water and I can't be under the sun for long. I'm allergic to sunblock too.

Meds, yes. I need meds.

Anyway, I think I'll be ok. The moods will cycle from one extreme to another.

I don't hate myself. I'm smart, artistic, creative and pretty fit. I hate my situation and sometimes my extreme emotions.

Depression for me is like conserving energy and a time to think through issues I've been pushing really far down.

But really, it follows high intensive moods. I can literally make myself so exhausted I end up depressed, but usually there are triggers.