I have no future.

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I have no future. I won't ever find my true love. I gave up some time ago and stopped trying. And trying too much means that I might end up losing my virginity to the wrong person, which would force me to kill myself. The country I live in (Sweden) also is going absolutely downhill. I see a civil war in the future. It's a few years away, though, and being 32, and having to die latest at 39, I doubt I will have to experience it... but things seem to be going fast, so who knows. I do want to die as early as possible, though..... I mean, seriously..... I have waited since.... was it since I was eighteen for my true love. It's over fourteen years ago. I am getting older, and soon, I will be considered a "creeper" for still wanting a young girl. And a virgin, too. I mean, I must be such a terrible person for wanting that, right? Especially if I have a very deep interest in BDSM, too. People like me are just vermin who shouldn't exist, in most people's view. Of course, I know that *they* are the ones who *actually* are vermin, but..... but, I am just so tired of being part of this world. I don't want to live, anymore. I can't enjoy anything, anymore.... not even anime or manga. Well, WataMote was good, but.... that's about it. I am so hollow inside, by now. I always saw this coming, though. I remember when I was eight or maybe nine years old.... already then, I knew I shouldn't be in this world. And it was absolutely confirmed, a few years later, when I was the only one who didn't do something very immoral, in school.... the only one in the whole class who got what was the problem. I bet none of those even remember it. It also was after that when I became even more of an outcast.... they knew I wasn't like them, I guess.

I don't see why I became a human. I just can not see it. I thought it was in order to find my true love, but.... after several tries, and an especially depressing failure, last time (before the one, afterwards, which didn't lead anywhere, that is (no offense if you read this, after having found yourself here - I don't want to talk behind your back)).... after that time, especially, I have been carved out inside. I truly am like a living dead. I just.... all I really wanted was to find my true love and be happy with her. Instead, I have to see all these things that others barely even care about and get depressed out of my mind about it, with absolutely no relief. Not even anyone to talk to. Definitely not my true love.

The funny thing is..... I always saw this coming. Ever since I was little, I knew that I would never have a place in this world. I think the last time I was happy was when I was five or six. Then preschool started. I knew that my life was ending. When I think back about it, I think.... I did in fact feel that.... because.... my happiness died when I knew I had to start school. It's amazing, really, to think of all the things I would've been able to do, if I had just been allowed to do what I wanted to do, rather than what the state dictated that children should do. To think, if I had been allowed to focus on drawing.... I would've been so good, by now. Everyone always complimented me on how great I was. But school stopped me from doing what I was great at. It made me very depressed and without any particular will to live. I also loved classical music, as a child, especially. Maybe something would've come from that, even.... I can only dream of what would've happened if I had gotten my hands on a manga book, early on.... I know I would've gotten obsessed with it. I probably would live in Japan, now, if that had happened.... not that Japan is so great, anymore, of course, with the recent anti-otaku laws. Maybe those laws would've caused me to take my life, in that case, if I had gotten too obsessed with otaku stuff.... so I guess, no matter how you think about it, I never should've become a human. There is just no place for me, here.... the quicker I kill myself, the better.... right...?

What is your true love like?

Sweet, innocent, submissive, quirky... and preferably an otaku. She'd have to love anime and manga, at least, though, or we wouldn't get along. She's also pretty, since I am rather "shallow" in that regard, but my view on pretty isn't necessarily what most would prefer, so that doesn't really say much. Oh, and shy. Shy girls instantly become much cuter..... hmm, and fragile-looking. That'd be so cute, heh.. it'd make me feel even more that I need to take care of her. I want to take care of her. Of course, she'd also take care of me, since we'd complete each other, that way.... I mean, after all... I am in a pretty bad state, currently, for not having her.

are you Japanese? I had to google otaku. you remind me of the heroes from Haruki Murakami's books.

you can always do something about your interests now? And if you say what's the use - I'd say - what have you got to lose?

-> The Japanese men who prefer virtual girlfriends to sex

my ex brother in law[who finally escaped the evil clutches of my sister] met a girl from China online. They talked for about a year and then he went to China and married her. They [my brother in law, his wife, and her daughter] are now living in Colorado and they are all happy.
A wonderful man that works in our community is this very day in China making arrangements to bring his new bride to the states.

My ex brother-in-law, Carl, was about fifty when he found the woman of his dreams. My friend, dale, is in his sixties.

Have you considered the possibility of doing something similar?

I also often think I have no future. Partially, its just spite and stubbornness that keep me "going". I can't help sometimes imagining that the world is a conspiracy to drive me insane, but "I can't let them win" , so when I start feeling depressed, I begin to take on a "me vs them" war mentality

"I don't give a damn how bad it gets...Maybe I'll never have children....Maybe I'll become an alcoholic...But I won't go down until Dick Cheney dies first!!"