Traumatic Work Experiences - Experience, Strength and Hope?

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Hello all...

I'm really struggling with this right now. My last few work experiences were really traumatic. I'm seeing a CBT therapist, and this is quite helpful, but a year later I am still experiencing PTSD symptoms and am trying to find a way to work that does not trigger me and does not exhaust me.

I am a creative, and I was living in NYC and working as a temp to pay the bills. At one point I worked at a restaurant as a hostess. One of my managers started calling me "his girlfriend" and stroked my back whenever I was near...so I started avoiding him and eventually reported him. Apparently there was a big talk about this kind of behavior, and another hostess I worked with, and older kind-of Mama Bear type who had a truck-driver filthy mouth resented me because now she had to watch her language. She started bullying me, ignoring me when I asked her questions and I was standing right by her, leaving the room if I came in. Once she was standing in front of a drawer I needed to get into and I asked her very politely several times if I could get into it, and she ignored me. She was talking to one of our other managers, and when I tapped her on the shoulder she leaped in the air and said, "DON'T YOU DARE HIT ME AGAIN!" So, crazy. Because that manager had witnessed it, I asked to speak to him, and told him that I didn't know where this behavior came from, but it made me want to quit. We had a mediation with our General Manager where basically my GM told me to stop being so sensitive, told her to be nicer, and he left the room. In the next few weeks they didn't give me time off for my brother's wedding, so I quit. I went, in person, and spoke to one of the Assistant Managers (safe person), and gave me a hug and told me if I ever needed anything, a recommendation, anything, to let him know. He still checks in with me to this day.

After that I had a temp job working with the Personal Assistant to a very wealthy woman. The wealthy woman was fine, my boss was a nightmare. I was temping, and she would call me at 10:30 at night and ask me to do something. She'd f**k up a job, and then tell our employer that I had messed up. She'd tell our employer that I would disappear while on errands (not true, there's no cell service on the subway), among other things. The nannies told me that she talked s**t about me all the time, while to my face she'd one day say, "I don't know what I'd do without you!" to saying, "You ruin everything!" One day she said, "I just don't know what to have you do, you screw everything up." I asked her for examples. She started giving examples, and every one was, "Well...I messed this up, but only because you were working on it with me. I never would have messed it up if you weren't working on it with me." She went to the bathroom and I walked out. I walked straight to the temp agency and said, "I can not work for that woman. She is a liar, and she talks about me behind my back and blames her mistakes on me. I can't be in the same room with her."

Then I worked as a temp assistant at a very nice hedge fund. I mostly reorganized files and could have my headphones on and be quiet and organize and scan old files. (Now that I'm reading more about Asperger's, I'm seeing why this worked out so well at the time. Quiet, solitary organization!) Eventually they asked to hire me full time, and I accepted because I was broke. I had to socialize and interact more, which is fine, but tiring. I wore a nice, little friendly, pleasant quiet girl mask, and they seemed to buy it. I had a nice little haven of plants at my desk to calm me down and center, and people liked to visit my garden. Then we hired a sociopath who sat next to me. He'd move my stuff and open my desk drawers while I was at lunch. He'd stare at people and make disgusting jokes. He ate loudly and messily, leaving bowls and bowls of milk to sour at his desk, so my sensory issues would get triggered too. Then he started masturbating at his desk. I was horrified. A few other people saw it too. I got a lawyer and reported him. The company did a huge investigation. All they did was move him, but I still had to work with him. Basically I would have to have had video to prove it...which...GROSS. <stomach turns> My lawyers wanted me to sue, but I was already so stressed out my hair was falling out. I just wanted to cut my losses. I spent my last few weeks just weeping at my desk. My supervisor felt so bad, and she would send me on "coffee runs", saying come back in an hour, just make sure you have coffee. I finally quit after the Newtown massacre. This guy creeped everyone out so bad that they would joke about hoping they weren't there the day he decided to shoot up the place. So when Newtown happened, I was done. This person already was crazy inappropriate, why wait around for more? When I quit, one of the partners offered to help me find another job. Another one looked like he was about to cry when I said I was leaving. I gave him a plant, and he gave me a hug, which I'm sure in all his years of business, he's never ever done, hugged an employee. They got me a town car to take me and all of my plants home. It was nice to have a good send-off after all that trauma but it's not enough. I have PTSD now -- intrusive thoughts, insomnia, sudden fits of weeping. This is a year later, mind.

A family member fell ill with cancer shortly after that, so I spent a few months living with him and helping him recover from surgery and get to appointments. I worked a little then and it was fine.

Now I'm staying with my mom, and I'm having the PTSD symptoms. My mom lives in the Midwest, no place I'd ever imagine living. The money from my end-of-year bonus and my savings are gone, and there aren't really any jobs here.

Does anyone have experience, strength and hope? Have people successfully worked through PTSD from workplace bullying and other behaviors? I would like to work again, at a job where I use my skills and doesn't exhaust me, and I can start my creative work again. With safe people.

Yesterday I was a glazed-over near-meltdown zombie, and today I've had crying fits. My mom gets scared, and you know, what do I say?

Maybe someday in the future, I'll be posting an "It Gets Better" post. Hopefully.

I suffered from Traumatic Stress from nearly every job I ever had and it always took me several months of seclusion to recover. Worst part was, I could never quit, because I lived hand-to-mouth as it was. So I had to endure the abuse and the pressure until they got frustrated enough with my shutdowns to fire me - that way I could qualify for unemployment, take a vacation for a while and then go back out and do it all over again.

Some managers were worse than others, a few were outright sociopathic sadists who delighted in torturing people into emotional collapse - not just me, I saw them do the same things to others. Mostly, they were just pedestrian minds who couldn't understand why I often did things differently than everyone else and they just couldn't tolerate anything that didn't fit their mental template of how things were supposed to be done. The more they pressured me to conform, the more impossible it became for me to function at all.

I guess looking back, it was better that I wasn't diagnosed back then. If I had told them I was Autistic, they would have been legally prohibited from firing me for it and I'd just have had to put up with their oppressive attitudes until I went completely bonkers.

And they didn't fire the guy ? ? ? This is nothing but weak management. The investigation maybe should have lasted all of twenty minutes while a skillful manager talks to the several people who saw it, yes, they did see. I'm sorry you saw that. That is very inappropriate work behavior. We will be making a decision.

Now, if they're concerned with legal liability, they could use another reason. There's always ample reason to fire someone if you want to.

This might also be an example, if human resources finds out late, they don't do anything, regardless of the facts or the seriousness. I guess when we cross a high-powered hedge fund with human resource bureaucracy, the result still turns out bureaucratic.

This is exactly what I needed to hear at the time. When I quit, I told one of the managing partners,"I don't care anymore whether or not you believe me. If I was my child, and my child was in a situation with a dangerous person like that, I would move heaven and earth to get her out of there. I would find a way." He said to me, "I don't think there isn't anyone here who doesn't believe you." It still wasn't enough.



That was the thing too. Everyone starts out with a 90-day probationary period, where we can be let go at any time. The only thing I can think of is that HE used the ADA as a defense, as I know he was on medication. (I'm not saying people who take medication are bad, I take medication, but if I could use it as a defense with a proper diagnosis, perhaps so could he...)

I think in the end it was the CEO's call to keep him. I guess I feel betrayed by the CEO, who had always been super nice to me. If I'm an admin, I guess I don't count as much as someone else with a higher pay grade. I just feel like the people I work for betray me again and again, and I'm so exhausted...

It saddens me to hear that other people have traumatic work experiences. I feel like sociopathic people get away with so much as long as they bring money it. It's such BS.

This is exactly what I needed to hear at the time. When I quit, I told one of the managing partners,"I don't care anymore whether or not you believe me. If I was my child, and my child was in a situation with a dangerous person like that, I would move heaven and earth to get her out of there. I would find a way." He said to me, "I don't think there isn't anyone here who doesn't believe you." It still wasn't enough.



That was the thing too. Everyone starts out with a 90-day probationary period, where we can be let go at any time. The only thing I can think of is that HE used the ADA as a defense, as I know he was on medication. (I'm not saying people who take medication are bad, I take medication, but if I could use it as a defense with a proper diagnosis, perhaps so could he...)

I think in the end it was the CEO's call to keep him. I guess I feel betrayed by the CEO, who had always been super nice to me. If I'm an admin, I guess I don't count as much as someone else with a higher pay grade. I just feel like the people I work for betray me again and again, and I'm so exhausted...

It saddens me to hear that other people have traumatic work experiences. I feel like sociopathic people get away with so much as long as they bring money it. It's such BS.

That was the thing. Everyone starts out with a 90-day probationary period, where we can be let go at any time. The only thing I can think of is that HE used the ADA as a defense, as I know he was on medication. (I'm not saying people who take medication are bad, I take medication, but if I could use it as a defense with a proper diagnosis, perhaps so could he...)

I think in the end it was the CEO's call to keep him. I guess I feel betrayed. If I'm an admin, I guess I don't count as much as someone else with a higher pay grade. I just feel like the people I work for betray me again and again, and I'm so exhausted...

It saddens me to hear that other people have traumatic work experiences. I feel like sociopathic people get away with so much as long as they bring money it. It's such BS.

Or, he may have been focused on the mindset of avoiding wrongful termination (I don't know why he would not be equally focused on avoiding sexual harassment and hostile work environment). Or, he may have over believed in strength of personality that if he just talks to the guy, like a politician over believing in strength of personality regarding international diplomacy, when it's really just at best the first step in what has to be process.

But yes, most likely, he did not want to fire (?) a good sales person. Baseball teams make this mistake, and they even know about it, but they still make the mistake. They have a set of rules, but then they don't apply them to a star pitcher and this hurts the team. So, one lesson, periodicallly review the rules and see if they're overly harsh and ask, would you feel okay applying this rule to a top employee? I'm kind of a believer in a three day suspension. And they really should have done this when I'm assuming the guy told sexual content jokes, which are not appropriate for today's workplace. And they should have done it in a way in which the heat was not just on one person as presumably the only person making a complaint.

Now, there's another lesson you can draw from this if you are boss, which is a really a higher order lesson. And that's to take a poker pause. Even if you very much want to believe that talking to someone will solve a problem, take a day or two perhaps during a suspension to ask, Is this fair to the other employees?

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As a creative person, I can kind of see how it's not good being away from the city that you love. For the time being, sometimes it can be an unexpected adventure to take a job beneath your talents? Which has sometimes worked out okay for me. Maybe a seasonal Christmas job, which are not necessarily easy to get in spite of what people might say, and may or may not have good bosses. But you might get lucky and meet some people you otherwise would not have.

double post

Last edited by kalli889 on 10 Oct 2013, 11:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah, that's what I thought, even with the explicit probationary period.



I think this really came into play. After the investigation, my lawyers sent them a letter saying that I was not to work with him or have any interaction with him whatsoever. My bosses and HR were like, he's been reprimanded, warned that if he behaves unprofessionally again he'll get fired, and moved. And you still have to work with him. "We expect you to be professional about this," is what I believe they said. Me? Seriously? But they did seem seriously mystified as to why I didn't think that this guy wouldn't magically become Mr. Wonderful To Work With after he got a talking to. Oh! Gee! I don't know why I wouldn't believe that a compulsively inappropriate person isn't going to revert to compulsively inappropriate behavior again!



Good thinking.

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I've thought about this. I was making $55k a year last year. But I was thinking about taking a part time $7/hr job at the APSCA just to be around animals. I dunno. We'll see. Writing it out does sound idiotic, that much in pay disparity. I haven't been paid that little since I was 15 and working at Dairy Queen. Do you have examples of it working out okay for you, taking a job beneath your talents? I've actually had it go the other way -- my resume is all mish-mash with temp and film production work (even programming), and I applied for a temp receptionist job once and they needed a Java programmer so they hired me. That was a nice gig. Lightening hasn't struck twice on that one, though!

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I was journaling about this whole big topic today, and I realized that I did have knowledge that this was not the healthiest workplace. Maya Angelou says that people show you who they are, and that you ought to believe them the first time.

They were really nice. To me. Most of the time. To my face.

But I've been reading this book, THE BETRAYAL BOND, which says that betrayal partnered with warmth is the worst, because you want to believe in the warmth and not the betrayal.

There were red flags which I saw and chose to ignore. I overheard gossip between my supervisor and the receptionist about how I wasn't pretty and I thought I was (I have worked as a model, as had the receptionist who was probably just being bitchy and competitive); when I made a friend who sat across from me other people told me not to trust her because "she'd tell everyone your business"; I had to mask my political affiliation (and did it so well that people would commiserate with me about the fate of "our" candidate); another employee was asked by her boss who she was voting for, implying that she was only voting for him because of her race, and then given all these reasons why she shouldn't; I heard stories of a previous secretary who quit/were fired after someone threw a phone at her and called her a c*nt. I saw a temp-to-hire EA that had been fired at Grand Central in a stationary shop months after she'd been let go, and she quickly looked away and pretended not to recognize me. So really, not all was right or good there.

Oh, and there was a new hire in late 2011/early 2012 who was East Indian. All the guys in his group were white. He was short and overweight, but he changed his diet to a high-fat low-carb diet, started powerlifting for 15 minutes a day, and lost 30 lbs. All the guys around him constantly told him that he was going to get a heart attack from a high fat diet, that he needed to eat more carbs for energy, and that he needed to do cardio because weight-lifting wasn't enough. One day they were going at him, and I said, "May I interrupt? S---, how much weight have you lost?" S: "30 pounds." Me: "You have lost 30 lbs by eating high fat, lifting weights, and doing no cardio?" S: "Yes." Me: "So then we can say that this is working for you." S: "Yes." That shut those guys up that day, but they were soon back at it again. They would take him out for drinks after work sometimes, but then they'd tell everyone that he sweat too much and creeped out girls. I always felt like they picked on him because he was the short fat brown guy, the odd one out. He quit while I was away on vacation, citing that he didn't think it was a good corporate culture fit for him. Duh.

And I was pretty sure that my supervisor was stealing small amounts of cash from her boss, but I couldn't hands down prove it.

So even though people were nice to my face on a day to day level, there was gossip, dishonesty, political intimidation...

And I played along. I faked that I was a certain way -- enough like them to get along day to day. Some of them were very kind when I left. My supervisor (the one who gossiped about me and probably stole) wept. But kindness isn't the same thing as sticking up for someone. Don't rock the boat. Don't make waves. Hammer down the nail that sticks out.

New rule for Self: don't fake who you are, even if you have to put on a "professional" mask to go to work. Find a place with your values.

Good luck finding a place with your values. It's a difficult thing to find. However, it seems that you've had an awful lot of misfortune with working environments.

I have found NLP and changing what feelings I attach to memories has been able to give me freedom from the past. Yes, it all happened, but it's the importance that I put on them that counts. I have a notion of how people should and should not behave, but my attachment to the 'right' way of doing things often created the pain in the first place, not the other person.

What is NLP? Natural Language Processing? Is that like changing the story I tell about it? I'll google it.

I'm looking into finding a local Somatic Experiencing therapist, and an EMDR therapist, as I've heard that these modalities heal PTSD faster than anything. I read an NY Times article a few years ago about Somatic Experiencing, and basically the gist was, sometimes an experience is so traumatic it moves past language...like how I'm getting image flashbacks just bubbling up, like little movies invading my head. Also, if someone is pre-verbal, like if they experience trauma as a baby (or as a pre-verbal Aspie...I didn't talk until I was 2.5) then they might not have ever put a story around the traumatic event, but the trauma is resident in their bodies.

I think my therapist gave me worksheets to reframe the event, perhaps similar to NLP. I'll continue to work on those, while I look for an SE and EMDR therapist.

Also, I've found that Hot Yoga moves trauma out of my body. Sometimes I'll just weep in a pose and have no idea why, and everyone is covered in sweat, so no one notices anyway. Although a teacher did notice once, and he did this thing where he touched my temples and third eye with a scented oil when I was in Savasana, and it was very calming. (He had asked the class beforehand who was and wasn't comfortable with adjustments and the oil.) Man, I loved that teacher! I forgot all about him! He'd adjust me into crazy bendy poses I didn't even know I could get into! (And wasn't entirely sure how to get out of! Ha ha.)

I'm feeling alot more hopeful today. Thanks everyone for your support and feedback.

Hi, I'm currently working as a checker at shall we call it MegaMart*. I am liked and respected by my co-workers. The managers think I ask too many questions. I'll take co-workers over managers. That's not such a bad place to be.

Perhaps my best job was working as a seasonal tax preparer at H&R Block. I took it seriously, first learned tax law, then Block's computer system, and then the details of the bank and loan products. I did make efforts to honestly disclose to my clients. My primary loyalty was to my clients and immediate co-workers, and not so much the company hierarchy. The job pays about $9 an hour for 5 weeks. But, I discovered I was very good at distilling down information and one-on-one, semi-structured client interactions. So, this is more of a serious job. It did drain from my other artistic and intellectual pursuits.

MegaMart* doesn't so much drain me and it leaves energy for other pursuits.

As a cautionary note, my sister got out of the computer business from late '04 to '08, because of health issues and also because her children were young. And she had trouble getting back in. But she did succeed in getting back in. It just took a while.

I read all of your story and i can kinda relate to how you feel. GEtting better is something that you will reach if you want to.

I can recommend you a book i'm reading: asperger syndrome and anxiety: a guide to successful stress management. A lot of people call it boring and dull cause it explains the deep neurological roots of anxiety, but it is actually quite easy to read and it gives you lots of tools to cope (and most importantly it increases your awareness). I will try to explain what i mean by the neurological roots, making a short version of a whole chapter will prove a task good luck reading it!

I came to your blog because this book talked about PTSS, i was starting psychotherapy for anxiety problems with school and with PTSS in mind everything makes sense, so my psychologist told me about EMDR. Thank you for sharing your experience!

I have tried a fair share of therapies for physical- and mental stress control: acupuncture, sport (running and freediving... freediving was specially cool), relaxation technics (not haptonomy), hum meditation, hypnosis, NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), emwave (Heartmath biofeedback hartcoherency system, which was absolutely impressive), breathing yoga, saint jhon's wort, and i actually take medications for Adhd/autism (concerta en wellbutrin). I definitely don't see you going down that road, as usually an increased exposition to the trauma moment increases the chances of a deeper and longer stress disorder. And compared to some complex cases yours -based on what you've told here- sounds promising.

All i can say from my experience is that it all works, there are different roads that lead to Rome. Some are more expensive, some are more effective, some are more enjoyable. But what i take with me with all this i lived was the knowledge i gained about who i am. it has been a growing path. I learned to laugh and to relax, and to assess things i really don't like in a more assertive way. i'm still an aspie, but i'm a much happy aspie... and sure life ain't perfect and i still walk false sometimes but in general i have grown very acceptant and sometimes even assertive.

The only thing i have to go is some of the subconscious part, and NLP has helped me to understand this by introducing me to concepts like re-imprinting, re-framing, and anchors and synesthesias.

I'm a physiotherapy student and we learn how the 3 levels of the mind are interconnected with each other and with the body. i will try to explain how it is all interconnected - the neurological roots of anxiety (i hope to clarify why yoga helps as much as, say, EMDR ) and i'll give you some links you might find interesting.

you have 3 different levels of mind: the high, the mid and the lower brains.

the high brain (the mammal brain) is in charge of the high functions social-interaction, conscious movements and decision making, but it also is in charge of playing the boss overruling the other 2 levels. This is the front door of your brain.

the mid brain (paleomammalian brain) is in charge of the automatic movements, emotional movements and pre-rational (intuitive) decision making. involved in motivation, emotion, learning, and memory. -> this is the one that stops you from crossing in front of a car when you didn't see it coming. is also the one responsible for the fight-or-flight response. everything that goes up passes first by this filter "should i react? is this a life threatening situation? what emotion do i feel?"

the lower brain (paralimbic cortex) is in charge of the automatic functions, pain modulation,reflex actions, alertness. is the back door of your brain. -> this is the one in charge of making your heart beat. (but collaborates with the mid brain in emotion processing, goal seeking, motivation and self-control, and thus on fight-or-flight)

And then there is the cerebellum which is a bit of the three, like a gathering hall where they coordinate to make you walk or run, keep your balance, bike, is specially related with rhythmic stuff.

shortened: one thinks, one feels, the other one reacts. They are connected at all times, communicating back and forth between them directly and indirectly (through the cerebellum).

Your brain is a living thing, and it is growing towards where there is a bigger flow of information, the more a road is transited the more they broaden that road, the more links are invested in it so that information can flow better.

What changed in your brain since you experience a traumatic situation is that your high-brain was less often inhibiting the two other ones. So that road became smaller, making it hard for you to control the mid and lower brain. While the mid and lower brain were constantly communicating, and as the mid brain grew in power, more resources were invested in roads that conects to it making it easier for you to make full use of it's life-saving reactiveness, which means the mid-brain literally hijacks your mind overreacting at moments where there is no real threat. Making you become more alert, and reactive and less rational and to loss control of your feelings faster than you used to.

The problem with the mid brain is that it is an automatic thing, its a recording machine with just rec and play buttons. You can rewrite it indirectly thou, through changing how the other 2 brains and the cerebellum relate to it.

Yoga, running, cycling, dancing or even balancing on a high rope are ways to influence it through the activation of the cerebellum, forcing it to send more resources to build new healthy routes.
NLP is a way to reach it from the high-brain, empowering this rational brain to be the boss again.
emWave (hearth coherence biofeedback) and breathing exercises are a way to influence it from the lower brain, to teach it how to disconnect from those unwanted responses.

I like hearing that you are doing better, but you went through something traumatic, and there will be better days than others. Remember that you are building those roads one brick at the time. and that willing is also a way to empower yourself.

i'll leave you two ted talks one about hearth coherence and another about the power of vulnerability, and another video that explains NLP's reframing. I hope this was handy for you and I wish you the best!

a video about NLP reframing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNtLa8ZiEto
A video about hearth coherence: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9kQBAH1nK4
a video about the power of vulnerability: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o