Feeling miserable and trapped

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It's now almost like I expect my therapist to not write the letter for sex reassignment surgery. I'll then ask him what would cause him to change his mind, and he will respond by saying, Oh, you shouldn't worry about that. Which of course, would increase my consternation and pain and make me hate him. I will then tell him I want nothing more to do with him. Then I would have to find a new therapist to convince. And I'll feel generally nervous and sh***y, as it will seem like any chance to get sex reassignment surgery will slip slip slip away. Then the ugly head of destiny will rear its head and say, See I told you. You will never get surgery. I will then have to contend with the statements of others, Listen to your therapist. He is the wise one. All the while this pain inside me continues, unaddressed, and I face a harsh, uncaring, evil world. Then the storm will start.

I will be mute, unable to express anything. My mind will feel like a storm, trembling as it is destroyed. I will become stupid and weak-willed. I will feel trembling, with nothing to do that comes to mind.

I am in so much goddamn f*****g pain right now that it's unbelievable! I just took another Benadryl to help me sleep some more. Sleep, that wonderful embrace of unknowingness!

what kind of dreams do you have when you sleep?

i'm sorry, a lot of useful info can come to us in our dreams. I hope you get what you want.

Well, one recent dream comes to mind. I was in boot camp and put down as female; I was still pre-op, but was living and presenting as a woman. It looked like I was going to get a housing assignment with the women when a drill sergeant came in and said, If anyone with a penis spends the night in the women's dorm, then that person is going to jail. At that point, I became virtually catatonic and don't remember anything from that point on.

wow that is one heavy dream. i'm sorry you are being bothered at night by things that worry you during the day, if one should have dreams at least one has a right to expect they be a respite from the waking world's troubles. on the subject of jail I am reminded of Bradley manning, what it must be like for him with his gender dysphoria in a military prison of all places.

I remember what happens after that: I become very defiant and negativistic. I say I refuse to do anymore work in boot camp and want to leave. The drill sergeant then starts yelling at me, while I sit down and refuse to do anything.

it goes without saying that the military is not a great place to be stuck in, in general. it takes a certain type of person to thrive in that restricted environment, and i'm not it. a lot of us here are not it.

I'm back to feeling this way.