Trying not to lose it

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It's the waiting that's the hardest part.

Everything could be fine.
I could have a job, a place to live, and plenty of money.
Everything could be f***ed.
I could be barely employed, homeless, and broke.

It could be somewhere between those two extremes.
She was supposed to call me yesterday and tell me.
I'm still waiting.

I can't do anything, make any plans, even for tomorrow, until I find out.
I'm f***ing stuck.
Waiting.
Going f***ing crazy.

Trying not to completely lose it.
Flip out.
Scream, cry, beat my fists against the wall.

F**K!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

Some thoughts, because I have challenges with anxiety, too.

Distract yourself.
-o What is your obsession/passion? Screw-around with that for awhile.
-o Perhaps have a seat, hold your breath for a five-count, followed by a dozen deep, slow breaths, while invoking the image of your favorite place.
-o Head over to Khan Academy and find something random to learn.
-o Go look for something cool you didn't know was being worked on and read-up on it: https://github.com/explore

I'll figuratively keep my fingers crossed for you. Actually, I just did it for a moment in response to typing that. So if you're a believer in mysticism, I think that all but guarantees a positive outcome for you.

For real, though. Inward-directed anxiety isn't good for your heart. Try to find a way to distract yourself. And good luck!

I appreciate the response, and the advice.
I've been on here & The Huffington Post all morning trying to distract myself.

Fortunately, she finally called.
It looks like I'll have a place to live and some money, but not as much as I would like, and I'll still need to be looking for more employment, even though between working in trade for my rent, for stock from the startup I've been working with, and doing the odd bit of work for the web marketing firm I used to work for I'm going to have my hands pretty full.

That's ok though.
Now that I know what's going on I can start making plans and figuring things out.

Thank the gods.

So me crossing my fingers did help. Awesome!

Don't forget to take a moment to thank yourself. I suspect you played a pivotal role in improving your situation, eh?

But most importantly: 'grats!

I hate waiting on peoples' replies...for anything.

Thanks!
It probably did help, I got the call like 2 minutes after you posted that.
Had a nice long meeting with her, project's going ahead, I'm not going to get paid quite as much as I wanted, but she's agreed to help with my business cards and art and design ideas for my website and some referrals and it'll still be a substantial chunk.
Also, this evening this guy I know reaffirmed that he wanted me to help him and his wife with their website and that he'd be ready to talk about it in a couple of weeks, so that will be a little more money & good will from him, and another project to add to the portfolio/resume situation.

I learned many years ago that I am the prime actor of the universe in influencing the course of events of my life.
When I pray, even though I do so rarely and only for important things, I even use an old Indian mantra that basically means "I bow to myself" or "I bow to the spark of the divine within myself."
To me it means that I allow myself to influence the universe so that I may obtain the things that I'm praying for.
Thus I am able, through effort, hard work, talent, skill, and not a little bit of luck, to accomplish my goals.
Goethe said something like "Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."
It's true enough, though boldness and the luck that comes with it only ever gets my foot in the door.
The rest is always up to me.

It's been working, so far, in getting this whole career thing going.
We'll see how long I can keep it going and if I can restabalize everything at a more satisfactory level where I can support myself, live decently, and have some savings for the long term.
I'm hoping that I can accomplish that within a reasonable time frame.
Maybe the startup will get some investment soon and be able to afford to hire me full time like they want to.
It's even possible I could help them do so.
A man can dream.

Thanks again for the support!