Sorry to lean on you so soon...

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I stayed awake all last night on dexamphetamines and also today. I feel so much better but as time goes on I become more and more erratic and all those lovely bridges the dexies helped me build, burn in front of my eyes because of my behavior.

I just find it so hard to stay interested in a conversation, more like impossible than hard really. I really really like these people, don’t get me wrong and I feel so bad about this, like, I'm sure there is valuable information to be gained out of whatever people are telling me but it is such an effort to stay focused and follow the train of the conversation, especially if they don’t get to the point quickly. And, when I really struggle to try to pay attention it makes me self conscious and then I get anxious, putting another barrier up between us. I just can't stay focused on general chit chat, I forget things they tell me and I may ask them again, and again even and people begin to think I am insincere. Hell who am I kidding, asides from a very select few socialising is hell.


I guess people pick up on my being uncomfortable, hell, of course they do. And it makes them uncomfortable. I think people take me for being unfriendly, disinterested, and arrogant but in reality I am really as shy as all hell and maybe what they are seeing is me trying to cover it up? Or maybe I am actually all those things. Sometimes people who I was beginning to have a good relationship with suddenly become distant towards me and I don’t know why. I suspect it is because of this or this or that but I really have no real idea, its like I can't see the consequences my actions have had, even when in retrospect they were staring me in the face.

When I see a relationship deteriorating and I put effort into repairing the damage it often works, but then it seems to slip from the forefront of my mind and I do something else inconsiderate or inappropriate and people are less willing to forgive once they have been burned twice. My name is inconsistancy.

The question they begin to ask themselves is, obviously, "what are they getting out of knowing me?"

I know there is a lot I can do to help myself and I should do more but I just feel like I am in this massive warehouse with the plans of how to get from A to Z scattered in millions of pages on the floor, with some missing and not even a vague idea of what it is I am building.

I am a Picasso painting.


I know what I have to do, I have to get my Dr on board again dispensing them to me every other day or so, but even then I know I will just eat them all in one sitting and feel at the time that I have accomplished a great deal when in fact I have just assed about with a lot of disjointed thoughts and concepts and idea's. I am going to have to arrange a daily pickup. I would like to say the plan being to wean myself off them totally. I hate the f*****g things, I really do. They have caused me such grief. But I just feel a shadow of my real self without them. Even after a month to withdrawal and recover.

Little steps I guess.

Thanks for listening

Beej

Same here, I think I know what you mean and how you feel. It's hard. Something like split personality happens. I'm not built for it , but i know that I CAN'T live my entire life isolated from the world -> I HAVE TO do those things. I think this paradox depends on the fact that we live on the border between 2 worlds (autistic-NT) -> the conflict will never go away -> we must learn to live with it.

I've already told you about the Dexamphetamines.

You write intelligently, I hope you don't fry your brain.

Explain what dose of dextroamphetamine are your taking?
What is its brand name (or is a time released)?
Your taking the meds orally?
What time of day do you take the meds?
What time do you ideally want to sleep and wake?
How much do you weigh?

3rd feb
Yes and it was good advice renaeden, When the inevitable point comes in these binges that everything goes black I tend to just say well thats it, gotta stop them totally look what they do to me. When in reality it is because I have taken s**t loads of them and been awake all night.

I have a plan that goes along the lines of me turning up to my doctor every few days and he dispences the tablets to me except he drops them into bottles of water for me. That way I am limited in how much I take by the ammount of water I have to drink to get a dose and also stops me putting them under my gums to get a higher absorbtion of them.

They work so damn well WHEN I respect them. Unfortunetly what happens is that in the situation I am living at, (a huge share house with 25 people in it) often spontaniously people will start drinking, socialising, and not wanting to be left out, yet not wanting to be limited by my anxiety either I will have some dex. Then, they go to bed, and I am awake all night.
Often this is the trigger for things to go wrong.

Last night after making that post I went home and ended up in a massive fight with 2 of the people who think they own the place. Not the first, probably won't be the last. It wasn't worth it but I feel I conducted myself fairly reasonabally in the fight, ie I didn't get angry.

They were being totally unreasonable but I realised I have been being inconsiderate also. I love doing little projects around the place, designing, making things, but I realised I do need to consult with people more, even though it is obviously better than what is there. I think the dexies make me get carried away with my ideas and not consult. These people however just want total control and attack any idea other people have because its not theirs.
But it is really hard to consult everybody for every little thing in a place. It is a very unique living situation that is hard to explain right now.
I think I should sell my ideas better, maybe stick a wikipedia entry on my idea on the wall and see if others like it...
4th Feb
I think I just need to leave. I think I need a job to keep me busy. Like, do I stay on at this place, knowing that it is such a valuable oppertunity to meet people and learn to socialise better or do I cut and run?

If I can't manage my drug dependence there is probably not a whole lot of point trying to build relationships.

If I can't hold down a job what do I do? It depresses the HELL out of me, the thought of going back to nursing.
What scares me more is the barren wasteland my mind becomes without stimulants, the fact that if I was well enough to realise how s**t I feel without them I wouldn't cope. The lack of awareness that comes with it I think actually protects me.

Last night I got into this blazing row with one of these b***h's again in front of the whole house. It didn't bother me at first but then I went to my room, which is a dorm, and I cryed, and cryed, and cryed. I felt such a failure that after spending the day trying to understand the situation and resolving to try harder that that happened.

I talked to a room mate who consoled me. He said its nothing...and its not. They are absolute pretentious nasty vicious kunts but I did not have to react to them.
I am just so sick of conflict following me around. I can't STAND being told what to do. I fukin hate it, and I always react to it by doing the exact oppisate of what they want me to.

I feel disliked in the house and I don't think that is true. I think people don't understand me and I won't let people close to me to find out.
I really should just blogg all of this but what I would like if anyone can provide it is advice on how to manage the dexies.

I want to give them up totally but I am a human potato without them.

I need a management plan. I have a good doctor (GP) who is willing to dispense them for me every few days but he is really only guessing. I need to work out a daily dose, drug holidays, ways to cope without them. Any links, advice, whatever you can give me would be really appreciated. I have 300 tablets, I am using 5 - 10 a day at the moment on my own, I would like to get down to 2 a day I think.

Sorry I have no help as you provided me no detail information I requested.

I am taking Dexamphetamine instant release 5mg tablets maufactured by sigma pharmaceticals. There is no sustained release preperation available in australia unless I wanted to go to a compounding pharmacy which I cannot afford.

I usually take the medications orally but sometimes take it sublingually to get a higher rate of absorbtion. I have never IV'd.

I am not working, I take the drug after breakfast an hour after waking which is anywhere between 10am and 11:30am.

My daily dose is anywhere between 25mg and 50mg spread sporatically throughout the day at the moment. I only ever dose 5mg at a time
.
I want to sleep at 2am, wake at 9am. I usually sleep around 10 hours and want to cut that down. Maybe even to 6 hours.

I weigh 72kg, am fit with a low percentage of body fat

Thanx

I held back the urge to tell you where to go for your cold indifference TheMachine1. Now I regret doing so, and I won't lower myself to doing it now. 3000 odd posts hey, gee I thought I had problems. Enjoy your "life" .

besides which, I could wipe the floor with your dumb ass what I know about neuropharmacology and neuroscience. I was thinking you may be someone with clinical experience at a medical level who could provide hands on experience. And maybe you are, most Doctors I meet are pretentious tossers like yourself.

Mods could you please close my post.

Sorry I was not trying to upset you. My goal was to determine if you were abusing
the dexedrine. Sounds like your following fairly normal use.

Your last dose should never be 4 hours before bed for Dexedrine IR. In your case if your following that you might need to work the last dose back even farther.

Also take the meds at the same time and do not vary your daily doses.

What sleeping pills are available in Australia?