I don't want to be an Aspie

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Warning: This post will probably be super long.

I was officially diagnosed with autism when I was four. When I was a kid I noticed I was being babied by the adults. I had a few friends, but they babied me as well. I don't even know why they were my friends. All of that "special treatment" made me depressed and anxious.

When I was in middle school I tried my hardest to act normal. I didn't exactly succeed, but I did get babied less. I was also falling behind on my schoolwork because I was in the resource room all the time. I had no friends because of my newfound social anxiety.

When I went to my first high school I was pretty normal. The only problems I had were ADHD problems. I couldn't focus in class and I was quite hyper. I was never babied in high school. I was extremely happy about that. I make any friends. I was way too scared to talk to people my age. I was extremely lonely.

For a lot of years I hated myself because of my diagnosis. I just didn't feel like a "full human being". I often felt like life wasn't worth living.

A month ago I started to question if my diagnosis was correct. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt like a full human being. I felt like I was free to be me.

I'm still not sure if my diagnosis is correct or not. I don't want to get reevaluated because I'm afraid of losing services. I have extremely low mental energy. I don't think that is ASD related, but I still need support for it.

My diagnosis has often stopped me from getting services that I need. They just blamed all my problems on autism and told me to go to ineffective social skill or life skill classes. I really don't want to be an Aspie. I don't see why life is worth living as an Aspie.

He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how. -Nietzche

IOW when you give your life more of a chance, stick around long enough, you will find out why you are aspie and where you fit in the grand scheme of things. when you are young, patience is a dirty word but speaking as an old man, the only alternative to patience is a big waste of time, IOW being rash and ruining things and having to start over from scratch.

Wanting to be around people or enjoying parties doesn't make you not an aspie. One of my aspie friends enjoys parties and being with his friends. Honestly being around people has never bothered me because they were just there and what is so exhausting about it? I was always myself. Then I come home and want to relax and be alone. My mom is the same way too and she is NT. I suspect we're introverted and that is an introvert thing. They do share a little common with AS.

It sounds like now you are having social anxiety about appearing like an aspie when you are around people so you avoid them. I would stop focusing on the label and not worry about being an aspie or not. That takes a lot of energy to worry about and then it will drive you crazy because you then feel you can't be yourself.

I don't know what advice to give you, but just because you like parties and don't mind being around people doesn't make you not an aspie.

I enjoy both of those things.

I don't know what it would be like to be diagnosed with Asperger's that early on in life. I don't know how I would have been treated and if my social skills hadn't gotten to the level they are now because I was babied or treated differently or was aware of my problem.

I was diagnosed at 20, before that I just thought I was shy and the only way I was going to get around this was by working on it. I didn't know there was any professional help for me so I did everything I could to improve myself on my own.
I think that's probably why I don't have as many social/dating issues as many of the aspies here on WP seem to have.

Many of us have things we wish were otherwise. Being NT or AS affects how we interface with the rest of the world but doesn't rule what you are inside.

How do you know she exaggerated your symptoms? Why did she want the autism label? When you say autism, you mean the AS diagnoses right or were you diagnosed as autistic?

So you feel aspie when you acknowledge that label but don't when you think you don't have it? Maybe I'm off base but I feel like you feel limited by the label and feel free when you can act as if it isn't there. My best advice is to do whatever works for you , even if that means denying your diagnosis. But I also want to tell you that aspergers doesn't have to be a bad thing, many Aspies are very successful and live very fulfilling lives.

You understand an ASD or as pie diagnosis really doesn't mean anything right? You are who you are - diagnosed or undiagnosed. Correct or incorrect. No two aspies are alike just as no two asd'ers are alike.

Life is what you make of it - not what some label tells you it is.

Many of us here grew up without any labels or diagnosis. All the diagnosis did for me was to put a label on to help me understand me... Most people will never know I'm aspie - why would I tell them? I'm not limited, I own a house, a business, have my own family. Yes I struggle at times (like today), but I don't just lie back say "I'm an aspie I can't do that".

You can choose - you can be a victim of a diagnosis or you can live well in spite of it. The only deciding factor - the only limitation is you.