I am scared of dying!

Post Reply New Topic

I feel that I have reached a certain point of my life where I cannot return. I have to die, not by illness, not by any accident, but specifically by suicide.

I know it will be a horrible, HORRIBLE death, and it will be slow and extremely painful and I will be extremely anxious until death occurs.

That's why I intend to make a sudden stop of taking my antipsychotics, which I already get the maximum dosis of.
I want to render myself completely insane enough to actually carry it out.

But I am so scared. Until I actually make the decision not to take my antipsychotics, my anxiety of this grim future of mine, of a horrible death I am awaiting,
is so painful :'(

Add to that the invisible creatures that I will then be able to see, touch, smell and hear, my road to suicide is so excruciatingly painful.
Though that's the point of it... they will help me commit suicide, by their very presence.

I feel I have no choice but to commit suicide. That's the goal from now on. It's like Death itself is awaiting me, and I am NOT allowed to starve to death or die by old age.
Add to that it's like Death wants me to commit suicide within a very limited time. And I cannot get pass that limit alive.

It freaks me out. Everything that I do seems either pointless or "the last act". I feel I am in my final days, and I don't want to die.

You need to see a doc. There's treatments for this kind of thinking.

Toy Soldier is right, you really need to get some kind of professional help.

Doesn't sound like you're scared of dying - sounds like you're scared of living...

Maybe its the invisible creatures that want you to die and they are trying to convince you that you want the same, so why let the *uckers win?
If you dont give in to them, they will go away and try someone else, leaving you free to enjoy what might be a happy life you would have missed out on.

I keep asking myself why I don't just kill myself. Right now. Why wait till tomorrow?
At the same time, I try to fight these thoughts, but it is difficult to hold out much longer.

It is really hard to hold on. I know.

But you must keep fighting.

Once you are through the worst, you will see how things will start to look better.

Life is f*****g s**t sometimes.

My life is good. I love my current life, as it is today.
I have what I need and what I want.

But my though-messages tell me that I should die to avoid watching myself losing it all and get in a worse position where I can neither live nor die.

I promise not to kill myself. The promise lasts until I've talked to my therapist.

I used to think along these lines, in fact the 21st Birthday present I promised myself was to commit suicide.
Iam glad I didn't though, I consider that I was in a worst state than suicidal, so low that I could punish myself even more by staying alive, after all, nobody was going to cry at my funeral, or feel bad about themselves for ruining my life, so I sort of consider myself already dead, just like Iam a ghost that can still wander the earth in flesh, and you know what, sometimes some good things come along that Iam glad I didn't miss, I got to shag a few girls, listened to some good music, etc etc,

You also tend not to worry about things so much and get kind of laid back when you know you are already at the bottom, so try not to punish yourself because maybe you haven't got the life you wanted, but enjoy the freedom I described to maybe have a bit of fun.

You wont make anything better by killing yourself, but something better is bound to come along if you stay alive.

I hadn't seen your last post when I wrote the previous, so maybe its not applicable to you, in which case ignore it.

This does sound more like some sort of OCD or something, in which case, dont stop taking the meds, see what your therapist has to say, all I can advise is that if you did kill yourself, you would indeed lose those good things you have now, but are worried about losing, best to stay alive so you can still enjoy them.

Last edited by Nambo on 04 Jan 2014, 4:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yes, like Nambo says. keep taking your meds.

You are doing really well.

I would suggest to you that you carry on taking the meds, I have no idea what you are taking but I will say something.

I do not have any personal experience of psychosis but I know some people who have had dealings with people who have had this horrible condition. From what I know of it the hallucinations and delusions can be very distressing and horrible. I think that many people with psychosis who kill themselves do it to escape from the frightening symptoms.

By taking the meds with some luck you will keep those horrible "invisible creatures" out of your world. If you stop the meds they are likely to show their ugly faces and then be more able to torment you. While a lot of people do not like taking antipsychotics becuase some of the side effects are not enjoyable and think that they are cured it may not be in your best interests to stop taking the drugs without consulting your doctor first.

If the "invisible creatures" are starting to be able to enter your universe then I would suggest that you tell your doctors, maybe you need to fine tune your meds to make them go away again.

Hi, I'm guessing you have one therapist and then a psychiatrist you see occasionally for medication? Now, some doctors are just not great listeners. It's like they get tired of presenting the same or similar information. Well, each patient is different and should be listened to as an individual. So, if the medication isn't that great or has lousy side effects, the doctor should listen and move laterally. And this change will probably be made in stages rather than abruptly.

With the invisible creatures, do you think you might be able to look at it like a person who has had a nighttime experience of alien abduction? It might be real, or it might be an artifact, byproduct, phenomenon of the human mind. And there might be zen tricks either way, or other tricks.

delete

Hi, if you'd like to read a pretty good article, here's a psychiatrist from Emory saying there is genuine overlap between schizophrenia and bipolar conditions. And he also says some of the same medications work for both.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/expert.q ... index.html