My mother, the borderline

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I just wanted to type about this. Theres nothing anybody can do about it, and I'm not even that upset, it's just damn frustrating!

A lot of you know the background with my mother. She's borderline personality disorder, very manipulative, very dramatic, always the victim, very negative, preferrs to be a martyr if at all possible. She's done an awful lot of bad things to me in my life, nothing like abuse or anything, but horrible, mean things. Lies, lying to the police and DHR about me a few times, (her best friend had recently been in some drama with her own daughter in law about her grandchild and it involved DHR and the cops, and my mother testified for her, and apparantly enjoyed it so much that she wanted it in her life) she will admit to me in private about the lies etc, and has even had me or my husband drive her to confession for them, but still maintains them to others.

But this isn't about the past, it's about now.

I've cut contact back with her a lot. It's more on a "need to" basis now. When I need to check on her, etc I call/visit. She lives across the main road from me, a five minute walk. I called her a few minutes ago to see how she was. According to her, she's pretty bad off. Anemic, no energy/appetite, short of breath, etc. She is a retired nurse and still very knowledgable about medicine, and in her right mind, so I would trust her judgement about a stranger, but not about herself. She has home health nurses come out weekly, and her nurse is coming Monday to draw more labs, and her Dr appt is on the 29th. Her Dr lives two houses over from me and sometimes watches football with my husband, but won't talk about work when he's at home, especially if he doesn't have access to the forms where patients say who they can and can't talk to (she has me listed as able to talk to). I asked her if she would go to the Dr tomorrow. She said no, she can't afford the copay until her SS check comes. I offered to pay. She said she can't afford to pay the old people bus lady. I said I'd pay her. She said she doesn't feel like dressing. I said I'd come help her dress. She still said no. I said I'll come over. She said she's going to bed. All of this was said with an air of resignation to her horrible fate that no one will help her with. At least this time she didn't say "No Frances, I don't want you to take me there. You don't want to go with me or care. That time I had to have the CT with the contrast you wouldn't come with me because you had to work and Bill wouldn't let you off that day showed me how you feel!" The time she was speaking of was 27 years ago when I was working and in college. Twenty f*cking seven years ago. The ONE time I couldn't go with her somewhere.

Anyway. When I called the Dr office just now about my son's sinus meds, and my appt tomorrow for my antidepressants, I talked to the girl about my mother. She said to call her home health nurse, which I did, and the nurse is going to call her this afternoon and drop by tomorrow to see her. She said she will call me back if she thinks that I need to get pushy with my mother about getting to a dr/ER, as long as I promise to keep her name out of it, even though it's ok to talk to me, she doesn't want to make my mother mad. So, I'm waiting to see what happens.

Of course she will get mad at me for "sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong", but she has me listed and if I didn't stick my nose in then I "just don't care" and if I do I'm "over reacting". So, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Either way she manages to come across as poor pitiful her, who nobody wants to help and when someone does offer she either acts like "why bother with this, when everything else is wrong too" or she wants to "punish" us for some perceived sleight in the past.

I'll deal with it, and I'll be ok. I just want to vent.

Just got back from the ER with my mother. The nurse did call her and went over and drew a stat CBC, which showed a white count of 29,000. They said she needed to go to the ER, so she said she would. The nurse also called me, and I called my mother and she agreed to let me take her rather than calling the bus lady. Three hours later we find out that her potassium is low, she's slightly anemic, and she has no strep or urinary tract infection, no suspected respiratory infection, they don't know what it is for sure but her ambdominal pain points to diverticulitis again. He gave her antibiotics and K to get filled tomorrow and one dose to start tonight with.

I'm getting her meds filled for her tomorrow when I go to the doctor, because she doesn't have the money. I also stopped on my way back and got her OJ and bananas for the K, and brought her some of the stew, cornbread, and peach cobbler to eat tonight. I also bought her some cigarettes. My younger daughter is staying with her tonight.

The entire time we were at the hospital she was putting on a completely opposite act from when I talked to her. According to her there, she's not that bad, I'm just making too big of a deal about it, it's all part of my "illness" (depression) yet it was the nurse who decided to come after talking to her, the nurse who called the dr who ordered the labs, and the dr who said for her to go to the ER after seeing the labs. The ER doc said that my "illness" was a good thing then and gave me a pointed look and a wink that said "I know theres nothing wrong with you, I know this is just her" (He worked on a local political campaign with me, in a group I had started and was president of, for Republicans who were supporting a Democrat for governon, back when he and I both were Rep, so we know each other fairly well) She was also going on about how she can't do this or that for herself involving self care, hygeine, nutrition, etc and she has nooooo help at all. One of the nurses gave me a horrible look but I just barely shook my head at her and gave a little frown and a glance at my mother and she nodded like "Ohhhh ok, it's just her".

So, that's my mother. At least she's on antibiotics now. Of course it's going to be constant arguing and comments when I try to do things for her, etc. I'm at the point in life where it doesn't hurt me or cause anxiety anymore, but it does drive me crazy because I want her to actually acknowledge the fact that I'm nothing like she always says. I know she won't do it though. She did once, last year. She does it every few years and it's always one small comment. Last time she said "Thank you for staying here all week and taking such good care of me when I've been such a horse's ass to you". I said "You're welcome, and yeah you were a horse's ass. I'm used to it" She said "I know you are" and that was that.

So, I'm home, showered, relaxed. It is what it is with her though. She's always been like this to an extent but it's gotten worse as she's gotten older. Even in her 60's she was telling outright lies about me to make herself look put-upon and like a martyr so she could get pity and sympathy. No way anybody could have said age had anything to do with it then. It's just her.

People can comment if they want, or if they have nothing to say that's ok too. I'm dealing with it fine. If somebody else has similar problems with a relative and just wants to commiserate thats fine, and if they don't want to type about it, at least they will know they definately aren't alone in this kind of thing. It's frustrating as hell though.

Sweet Pea hugs

My aunt, my dad's sister was like that before she passed away in the April of 2008. We did everything for her and she treated all of us like crap and she had pretty much the same health issues, as well. It's too bad that she can't be more grateful. I'm sorry that you have to go through all that, and I hope that things improve for you soon.

Actually, this does sound a little like abuse to me. It's hard for me to be sure since I don't know the full story, but abuse doesn't have to mean hitting or swearing or name-calling. it is sometimes much more covert. And sometimes covert abuse is actually worse than obvious outright abuse (when someone hits you, if you have high self-esteem, you will dump them immediately, but if someone subtly manipulates you, you will give them the benefit of the doubt if you are a good person).

I knew someone who I suspected to have BPD once and she was always playing the victim, always denying my reality, always attacking me for trying to help her, acting nice to me while saying mean things about me behind my back. I get it, she had a hard life, but that didn't justify her behavior. The same is true for your mom.

Your mom may be damaged, a good person at heart who has suffered to the point where she takes it out on others, but the fact of the matter is if she is harming you emotionally, then you need to take care of yourself.

Correct me if I am missing the mark.

I agree with your assessment of her, and she is usually very nice, caring, will do anything for someone else, but when it comes to me, in private she will be a nightmare. I think that her behavior is abusive but it's not abuse, per say. I know I may be disagreein with the dictionary or something, but to me, abuse is something done to a person who is either vulnerable or a person who you have some sort of control or authority over. I think abuse has to have more of an effect on someone than frustration, etc to be called abuse. I think the person needs to be either physically or emotionally vulnerable to what the abuser is doing. Ie; if I have a 12 yo son and I'm 37 years old and he repeatedly hits me when he doesn't get his way or is angry, then he isn't abusive he has a behavior problem. If I have a 42 year old son and I'm 67 years old and he repeatedly hits me when he doesn't get his way or is angry then he is abusive. I think some of her behavior in the past has been abusive, but now it's just frustrating and p*sses me off, mainly.

My husband finally started to see how she was, after years of believing her over me. Now my kids who live here have too. The oldest, well she's his champion. His and his crackhead baby mama's, because they suck up to her. She thrives on that. My 18 yo is pretty neutral about her and doesn't get involved in things like this because she likes to be diplomatic and polite and avoid getting into or being around things like that unless it's got a direct effect on her, or she needs to be involved because of someone she cares about. The younger two, 15 yo daughter and 16 yo son, are just like me. They will look anybody in the eye and tell them to "f*ck off" if need be. They don't take sh*t, even from a grandmother. This isn't to say they are rude or mean, etc. When at all possible, they just politely find ways to avoid being around her. When they are around her, she is always nice to them and of course they are nice right back. However, she has said horrible things about them behind their backs, lied bout them, accused them of things, etc. Only the younger two. It's gotten back to them from others, and I've told them what she's said as well when they asked. However, everyone who lives here seems to finally see her true colors now. For many, many years everybody thought I was over reacting, being overly dramatic about things regarding her, blowing it out of proportion, exaggerating, etc. Now that she's old and not as careful, and now that she sometimes gets rabid about me for no reason other than spending time with P, my oldest son and the crackhead baby mama who hate me, the rest of my family is finally seeing her the way she has been in private to me all these years.

My youngest sn witnessed her screaming at me last year for the first time. He's seen her mad, he's seen her yell at me, his siblings, himself etc many times before. We are a "hollering family", but this was much more than hat, and the nature of it was obviously much more tha someone just "snapping" and going off on the wrong person because of something else. We had gone over to her house to get my tablecloth that I had let her borrow. I needed it for some reason and had forgot it when I was there earlier. She had it over a card table with a vynil top that her computer was on in her livingroom. The table had a two or three inch tear in the top of it but the keyboard could hide it easily. Her cat paws at the tear. When we went in to get it, she was in her chair in her "b*tch posture" as I think of it. Leaning foward, hunched over with her head resting on her hand, lips pursed and stuck out so far you could ride to town over them, forefinger hooked over the top of them, scowling. She answered me in an overly formal and polite icy tone, articulating the words very carefully to the point of exagerration. We walked in and I told her I needed my tablecloth but I would look through my linen closet and see if I could find her something else to use, although it might be a different color. She said "Fine" in a tone and pronounciation and body language that said "Not fine, not fine at all, pretty damn far from fine!" So I went over and started to get the tablecloth. My son was picking up the computer and I was sliding the cloth out from under it. She started screaming at me. Got up and started hitting at my legs with he cane. Not the inane, unintelligable screaming of someone with "problems" but the hateful, angry screaming of someone who knows exactly what they are doing and are in total control of themself. She screamed insults at me, called me names, hit at me, etc. I ignored her and when she would hit me with her cane, I'd grab it and tell her "You need to get off me RIGHT NOW because if you don't I might end up pushing you and don't neither one of us want that!" (I didn't mean that it would be on purpose, but a cane can hurt and I might turn around and shove her out of reflex. She's old an fragile and getting smacked with a cane isn't that big a deal to me, especially from her. She's rarely physical, it's usually always mental etc) My son was floored! I folded up the tablecloth as she was yelling "Just get it Frances, get your G*oddamned precious tablecloth and get out of here and don't come back, you b*tch!" He was just looking at her with a replused look on his face. She looked at him and said "I'm not mad at you baby, it's just your b*tch of a mother that I'm mad at" He laughed and said "OooooooKkkkkkkkkkk". I said "You want me to bring you some supper?" She said "NAW FRANCES! I don't want NOTHING from you! NOTHING!" I said 'Okey dokey, whatever" and we left.

In the car he said "Did she have a stroke or something, cause she was about to beat you like a pimp!" I told him nope, that's just how she gets to me. I told you in the past, you didn't believe me. He said he believes me now. He's seen it since then and so has my younger daughter. She hides it from my older daughter though. The kids do for her still, and I do for her too. Things that need to be done, but not things done just for convenience or pleasure. My daughter stayed with her last night, the 15 yo, but she won't go over and stay when my mother asks her to because she's bored or lonely, etc. She used to, all the time. She's realized that all the BS my mother used to say to her about me on those nights was exactly that. BS. She would try and start some sh*t in the family and turn people aganst me, etc. Sounds paranoid but it's true. I hadn't suspected that at the time, my daughter told me about it later after she figured out that my mother is nuts and not alwys right. Thats why she would always come home in such a mood and so mean.

Anyway, yes my mother has had a hard time in some areas, but a lot of that she brings on herself for wanting to be a martyr. Sacrificing anything and everything just to be looked at as a "Saint". My dad told me that the last straw with him and my mother was when I was a baby, my grandmother (mothers mother) called because my grandfather was half drunk and hitting on her. My grandmother wanted her to come over and bring me. The reason she wanted me there was because my grandfather loved me more than anything, and if my grandmother was holding me, he wouldn't hit her. After my dad left her, she moved in with them. Thats how I was raised. Ain't I lucky?

I am lucky in the fact that I saw that something was wrong with that whole d*amn bunch of them. That didn't mean I didn't love them, but it meant that I took anything they said with a grain of salt. I rebelled against them by being normal.

Anyway, I've cut back on being around her, because even though I'm not hurt by her actions, I'm just sick and tired of them. I'll do for her what needs to be done, because she's my mother and because I'm not going to let her die or be injured, but I've given up long ago on expecting any kind of sanity, honesty, or motherly affection from her. Motherly affection stopped when I was about 12 and no longer a sickly child that she had to work and slave for and take care of so that others were sympathetic and talked about how strong she was and how she was a saint.

Oh well, it could be worse, and I'm happy with my life as it is, so with my mom, it is what it is.

Wow, I admire you for saying all that. After I made my post, I was actually starting to feel guilty, thinking maybe I was out of line in my snap judgment of her (haven't read any of your other posts about her), but apparently, in this case I was right.

Sometimes the most maddening thing about people who are abusive is they have a way of making the victim look like the bad guy/girl. It is so instinctual to them, it is second nature, and they do it so effortlessly.

The girl I was talking about had an army of friends who always took her side. A few more analytical and insightful people warned me about her but I never listened, because it was too painful to think of my "friend" that way. She knew exactly what to say to me to get me on her side. She knew what she was doing. She was not socially inept, she was on a mission.

What you are describing is abuse in my opinion. I don't care how old she is, it is still abuse in my opinion. You don't to have think of her as a "bad person" (I generally don't describe people with BPD as "bad," I like to think of them as wounded),. Actually the best thing you can do for yourself is to forgive her and move on. Show her some love and you may throw her off balance.

Perhaps her old age allows you to cut her some slack and not take so much offense, which is a good thing for you, but don't minimize her behavior either. You have a right to be upset about the way she has treated you. Always remember that.

If you haven't doesn't so already do some research on borderline personality disorder. If you can empathize with your mom, her abusive behavior may seem less meaningful, and you may be able to actually find some love in your heart for her.

This doesn't mean you should stay in contact with her when she is being cruel, it just means that through understanding gains acceptance of both her and yourself.

Here are some startling facts about BPD and abuse. This is a little taboo because there are plenty of people with BPD who don't harm others, but instead harm themselves. The fact still remains that people with BPD were often victimized as children and will sometimes continue the cycle. Again, I hope you don't take this the wrong way. Do research on your own and try to come up with a well-balanced viewpoint. Don't just trust everything I say, even though I am speaking from the heart, I am sometimes wrong. My intuition tells me I am right here though.

http://www.stoptheabuseblog.com/stop_th ... _compared/

This right here speaks volumes. Think about what you have just said.

Your mom is apparently a victim of abuse, and so maybe this can help you understand her behavior better.

She was acting in her own-self interest and using you as a "sacrifice" of some kind, but on the other hand, maybe you can empathize with her, and understand why she felt the need to do so. Victims of abuse will turn nasty, abusers have a way of doing that to people.

Your mom is definetly abusive to you, do you see how you jump and react to her every whim, she controls your happiness and just loves dangling her love and affection in front of your nose. She knows you will come running and bend over backwards to her every mood swing. I spent 50 years trying to get my moms love and it was never meant to be. She manipulated everyone she knows, and truly loves the hurt and devastation she could create. Then back off and become this sweet southern Baptist mother who could not hurt a fly. She was jealous of anything good in my life and downplayed, ignored or ruined every important moment in my life. I went no contact seven years ago after she pulled her last crap, she shut me out of my dads sickness, hospital stay and sudden death. I never even got to say goodbye. She had spent her whole life sabatoging my relationship with my dad whom I adored. She would get so mad when she would see dad hug me or tell me he loved me. You can't win against a mean mother like this. My advise is run from her don't keep running to her. She will hurt you until her last breath. Because she can and she enjoys seeing your pain. What a miserable hateful soul to take pleasure in someones pain especially their own child. I would never ever hurt my daughter or grandson. Their happiness comes before mine. My my mom rot in hell when she dies, and no I will not be at her funeral. The last seven years without her has been so nice, all the emotional ups and downs are gone. Now I make myself happy and do something just for me on Mothers day and my Birthday. A birthday that she never even remembered. She told me no one wanted to do a birthday party because everyone was tired of the xmas parties. You have to mother yourself and help other people, rescue animals, garden, donate time to charities etc. Bring happiness into your life to wash away all the unhappiness she causes. You mom sounds like mine so much , Just petty about everything and she has to control all happiness.