Damage Control? Newly Diagnosed Mama

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So...hi. I need help, my therapist is...nice, but useless, and I wasn't sure where else on here to go to, so I'm posting here.

I'm a 37 year old mother of a sweet 27 month old boy, and I was diagnosed with ASD barely a week before Christmas. We have reason to suspect he's autistic as well, and just got him set up with Early Intervention services. That's how I started on the path to my own diagnosis. While reading about "autistic behavior" in children and adults, I felt like I was reading the story of my life! (I also realized I was raised by a textbook Asperger's father, and a highly introverted mother.) My psychiatrist said he was shocked I stayed under the radar so long, but apparently I was also diagnosed when I was 12/13. As the story goes, my father was so angered by this news, he was removed from the guidance counselor's office by security and it was never spoken of again. Why my mother kept this information from me, I do not understand. She knows I've been struggling my entire life, especially since I've started opening up to her more as an adult. I always did feel a sense of kindredness with those on the spectrum that I've met over the years, now I know why...

Anyway, back to the reason I'm here. My relationship with my son's father is seriously damaged and I really want to fix it, and I know he does too. We were only together for 4 months when I got pregnant, but we had been friends for nearly two years and were already talking marriage. We were in our mid-30's, deeply in love and both had every reason to have given up on the idea of having a family until then, so we embraced the opportunity to be parents. When our son was born, we were ecstatic. Terrified, but deliriously happy nonetheless.

Then my health took a mysterious turn for the worse. My narcissistic boss was putting demands on me to do PR on Facebook, while she frantically worked to cover her ass for a legal mishap, and she also expected me to deal with more questions from people via email. Until then I had always been the data and info manager. I worked from home and did data entry. I loved it. But this new pressure to deal with people was making me have what I used to call "panic attacks" on a more frequent basis. They never really fit the descriptions of panic attacks that I've read, but that's what I assumed they were...I can remember having them as young as 4, all through my teenage years, and on and off throughout my adult life too. Anyway, these "episodes" were increasing in severity and they were happening on a weekly basis. I was diagnosed with postpartum thyroiditis, and I blamed this for my emotional lability. I lost my ability to refrain from speaking my mind and sent my boss a ridiculously long and emotional email about how I simply couldn't do PR and ended up losing my job, the best job I ever had because I worked from home, I worked with data, I made my own schedule, and made just enough to live comfortably, even with a newborn. And now it was gone. I felt castrated. At least I was able to collect unemployment.

My episodes got worse. In the fall of '12, I was diagnosed with the autoimmune disorders Graves Disease AND Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I blamed my worsening "episodes" on the hyperthyroid state I was in. By December '12, my "episodes" were culminating in somatic seizures. I sought psychiatric care for the first time almost exactly a year ago. I recognized that I was severely depressed, and becoming more anxious than ever before. They called me bipolar and put me on Lamictal. They increased my dosage three times, until I was taking 250mg a day. I was still having "episodes". While on the highest dose, three of my episodes escalated to the point where I was found in the bathroom holding a knife to my wrist. My thoughts would be racing: I knew I didn't want to kill myself, all I wanted was to make the pain STOP, but I didn't know HOW, and that's when my boyfriend would restrain me. It was like I was possessed. On one occasion, he says I was kicking and swinging a him. I'm NOT a violent person at all! This is when the head banging started. I didn't want a knife to my wrist, I didn't want to accidentally hurt anyone, and I wanted to come back to my body, so I'd bang my head on the bathroom wall. The bathroom has always been my place to retreat when reaching that point of critical mass. I've given myself some nasty bumps on the head, and I've broken a couple of light switch plates, but I'm alive and the seizures stopped for a while. They started calling me “borderline”.

Looking back, I know my "episodes" were meltdowns. I also recognize where I've had shutdown in my life. I also believe that what I've been experiencing for the past two years is a classic case of "Burnout". I've been doing things I haven't done in years, like certain stimming behaviors, and I've been having receptive speech shutdowns more and more often, and I don't think those have been a problem for me since high school. Basically it seems like I've lost my ability to blend in as an "NT" once I became a mother and my thyroid went all wonky on me!

I feel downright useless anymore. I was never able to find another job. I was never good at that to begin with. I got my jobs via family, temp agencies, and other job programs, and just sheer luck when the economy was great in the 90's. Now I can barely make it through the door for an interview. I actually had one potential employer accuse me of being an addict because of the way my hands shook from the Graves tremors and my inability to maintain eye contact. I always hated making eye contact...it just makes me feel violated. I'm at the point where I stay awake past sunrise, just so I can get enough alone time to avoid another meltdown. This means I don't get a lot of sleep. Aside from my time at appointments, I'm with my son every moment of the day, making sure he's happy and fed and engaged in fun activities. Fortunately he sleeps til noon, and he's an independent boy who is quite happy to play on his own when I need a moment to retreat. I just make sure he's safe and happy and I go to the next room to reboot.

I keep going off on tangents...

My relationship with my boyfriend is damaged because he reacts in the exact worse way he possibly can when I have a meltdown. He gets increasingly angry at me and demands I calm down because our son might see me, which makes my guilt complex flare up and I freak out more, and that culminates into him threatening to take our son away from me and/or restraining me. I later learned that when he makes this "threat", it means "to remove him temporarily from the situation so you can calm down" but to me it always means "He's taking him away from you and you will never see your child again because you are a bad, crazy mother who doesn't deserve this beautiful child." And the next thing I know, I'm in full meltdown mode and holding a knife to my wrist or bashing my head in the wall or dropping into a seizure. :'(

I had hoped that my recent ASD diagnosis would help us understand what was happening to me. I've been showing him mass amounts of info and watching tons of videos with him to help him understand me, and he does for a minute it seems, but then he gets stressed and angry and it feels like now that I know "what's wrong with me" I should automatically be able to act like an "NT". After all, I'm in therapy and on a mood stabilizer (Topomax now, had an allergic reaction to Lamictal), and I have my answers, so what's the holdup here???

On Monday, I came home from a stressful four days with family. I immediately warned my boyfriend upon arriving home that a meltdown was imminent if I was not given time to decompress. He stayed up with me all night long talking my ear off. I kept trying to explain to him I was experiencing a receptive speech shutdown and what he was saying wasn't making sense right now and he got huffy, like it was a form of rejection. On Tuesday, I had to go into sensory shutdown mode for a while to avoid a meltdown, and he did let me do that. Then Wednesday came around and it was back to square one.

We're both frazzled right now. On top of everything else, the house we rent an apartment in has bed bugs, and the exterminator our landlord hired has been treating it for 6 months now, with no luck. Just when we think they're gone, we see them again. Plus one friend, one acquaintance, and my favorite uncle died this fall, all three of my surviving grandparents, including my Grammy who helped raise me, are not doing well, and I cut all ties to someone I thought was my best friend the day after Christmas. I've lost two “close” friends this year, actually, and I've been disengaging myself from others. I've also been facing my past, and dealing with the trauma of numerous sexual assaults when I was a preteen, incidents I had never spoken of to most people, and told a glossed over version of the last incident to others. Then there's the family issues I've been facing,! And last but not least, my unemployment ran out in September, so my boyfriend is supporting us on his own and that stresses us both out. I'm currently appealing my recent SSI denial, and my doctors all agree I am unable to work, but I am still looking. Then there's the back issues we both have, a lack of money, a lack of independence, and all the normal worries new parents have. So yea, all that doesn't help AT ALL.

Anyway, back to Wednesday, that day he was just really short with me, and that was that. I had a small, semi-controlled meltdown, and I was recovering from it by retreating to my dimly lit living room and snuggling my boy on the couch. Next thing I know, my boyfriend tells me we need a vacation, and for some reason, that set me off. I sent our son off to play in his room and I went off. I started going on about how stressful vacations are, all the packing, all the lists I have to make, all the loose ends to tie up beforehand, how could we afford it, on and on and on and then he got angry, and I started sobbing. At first, I thought I fell asleep. He then says I was unresponsive to him, and then I remember hearing his voice, but I was having a receptive speech shutdown and couldn't understand him. He said he was trying to get me to open my eyes, but I kept them clenched shut and kept saying it hurt. I think I went into a complete shutdown then. I remember hearing my son calling for me, and when my boyfriend tried to keep him away, I cried out "NO!" and I heard him running towards me and felt him climb on my back and snuggle into me, and that's when I did fall asleep, I fell asleep for a couple hours, and then I felt calm. He thinks I had a small seizure, but isn't sure. Why didn't I go to the ER? Because I got tired of them telling me "it's a panic attack" over and over again.

So even post diagnosis, we're in that same pattern. I reach critical meltdown point, he says something to push me over the edge. I''m starting to feel relief when he isn't home, and that makes me feel awful because I do love him! Our son even seems happier because he knows Mama is less stressed, but I know he misses his daddy. He goes away one night a week for band practice. He's a good father, and he really does try his best to be there for me, but most days I feel like he resents me, that he resents being "stuck" with me, like he can't leave me without looking like a weak a**hole because my "craziness" is not my fault. He denies this, of course. He has really high expectations of himself, and rather than lower them, he's giving up on trying to meet them. He has pretty moderate to severe ADD, but he's been refusing treatment. He's been going back and forth about getting therapy too. He seems all for it, but then we fight and I tell him “I'm taking care of me, you need to take care of you” and he gets defensive and then refuses to go. Now he's saying he'll go again. It's infuriating.

I don't even know where I'm going with this at this point. I said I need damage control, but how does one fix a relationship like this??? He's a good man, but every time I have a meltdown, he says I push his buttons, and then he says something that he KNOWS will push me past my breaking point, and he's aware he does this and he hates that he does it, but he does it anyway. I loose a little love for him every time this happens, no matter how hard he tries to make it better, and sometimes all I feel is this obligation to make it work for the sake of our son, and because I can't function on my own (only lived by myself for 3 months out of my entire adult life), and because I know he would take full custody away from me in a heartbeat, and because I can't bear the idea of being a part of my son's life every single day, especially while he's still so young, and I know it would destroy him too. I'm a train wreck, but I'm the best mom I can be, and I am dedicated to giving my child a better life than I was given. That's why I'm even on this path to self-awareness in the first place! And you can see my dedication to him in how bright and happy and loving he is! He is also exquisitely, and frighteningly empathic and apparently knows how to help me center myself! It was him that ultimately helped me come out of shutdown mode. I can remember him walking past me now and then while I laid there, gently patting me and saying “okay, mama” as in “it'll be okay” and then he snuggled with me until I woke up. So sweet...and he's the only person who can touch me when I'm like that.

To be honest, I also think the extra effort I put into my parenting may be why I'm burning out. Between all the stress from the outside world, and all the extra effort I put into making sure my son is properly socialized and educated, and raised in the peaceful, respectful environment I was denied, it definitely takes a tool on me. I feel exhausted all the time, and it's worth it when I see how he is thriving (and he is, in all areas besides his speech), but I do think it's wearing me thin and leaving me more prone to meltdowns if I don't get proper down time.

I just don't know what to do. Therapy feels like its been useless. I had to diagnose myself before my shrink did. Up until then, they had me labeled "bipolar, unspecified". It wasn't until I went in there armed with all my research that he said "Oh yea, you are a textbook autistic, probably Asperger's, but currently seeming lower functioning due to stress." No kidding! Apparently it was even suggested in my chart that I had Asperger's by an NP at the same clinic who had met with me multiple times, but why it was ignored, I have no clue. So who knows if they would help my boyfriend! He barely clears $800 a month, so we can't exactly afford a fancy couples counselor, and there don't seem to be ANY therapists who work with adults on the spectrum in town unless they are in a group home.

I just feel hopeless. Right now the only hope I have to hold onto is that I'll get my SSI and can then finally get a little acre in the woods, away from the city, away from the shootings, and the anger, and the impatience, and make it self sustaining for my little family of three so my meager pittance from SSI and his meager minimum wage pay will enable us to live comfortably rather than on the brink of starvation and homelessness like we are right now...

If you made it this far, I commend you. Thank you for "listening"! I guess I don't know what else to say, I just feel like I'm whining.

I miss having a friend. :'(

Therapy is useless. There are no treatments, meds or therapies effective for autism, so there's really nothing a therapist can do for you. You could be medicated for anxiety, but try chamomile first, it helps take the edge off for me. You can make it in tea (but make it very strong, 4 bags per cup), or order it in capsules online. It's supposed to be the equivalent of Xanax, but I've never used Xanax, so I can't say for sure. I know it eases that feeling of being 'wired' without making me stoned.



Not to rain on your parade, dearheart, but SSI Disability is not likely to be much more than what your fella is making right now, so unless you know somebody with a cabin in the woods, or rent is incredibly low in your area, that may have to remain a pipe dream for a while. I would love to be able to move into the country and bask in the solitude (and I live within a stone's throw of rural paradises like that), but SSI keeps you from starving and that's about it. I do recommend that you apply for SNAP (food stamps) and HUD and every similar program you can qualify for. They don't care if single guys starve in the streets, but they're very generous with Moms.




TBH, I did skip around. I can't help you with the relationship issues, I've always had pretty much identical problems and I'm single (again) at 54, so clearly I have no answers.



Hey, we're with you, that's a common theme here at WP. I know I had some once, I can almost remember what it felt like.

Make sure you're getting enough sunshine, low vitamin D levels only contribute to depression and in the dark winter months that can become a serious problem, especially if you're prone to depression or already dealing with it (and you obviously are). A vitamin D supplement can help (drink plenty of milk, it's fortified with vitamin D), but natural sunlight is best, so go for walks outside whenever the weather permits.

Hang tough - everything in life is cycles, ups, downs, then ups again. The light will return, it always does.

I second Willard's advice, except for therapy. Not to treat your autism, but to improve communication with your bf. There are also some NT's on the site that provide helpful NT/ASD translations sometimes.

I think the key to a relationship is caring enough about the other to make changes for the other. There do seem to be things that one can change and one can't. For instance an Aspie can not change their basic nature, but they can modify certain things if they are made aware of the friction they cause. The same goes with being NT. Its behaving as a team basically with mutual support.

But if there is something one can not change, that the other can not really live either, its a serious problem and possible unreconcilable difference. It may help to define what these things are and discuss them with your bf.

I do think there is another problem here in that your bf is assuming control and power over issues that he does not have. Its your life and your child and he is just a friend with no authority whatsoever and if he doesn't back off, he should know he will be minus one gf.