Functional

Post Reply New Topic

Anyone ever feel like they're just functional enough that it makes people expect you to push yourself to the point where you're always exhausted and you never have time to just relax and enjoy life? Or, rather, that meeting expectations means that you are that exhausted?

Because... yeah.

Yes, constantly. I was just thinking about that earlier today.

It is a real problem in my romantic relationships and friendships, and it used to be a problem with my family too.

I wasn't diagnosed until I was 20, and after the diagnosis it took about a year for my parents to understand how much I could do without having one of my (as my sister would refer to "spaz attacks")

My friends and past girlfriends post diagnosis never seem to listen to me. I try to explain to them what I can do, what I can't do, when I need a time out, but they just complain and make me feel bad and guilty.

I have been told by NTs and aspies alike I have very exceptional social/people skills. Ever since I was twelve I was informed I should be a counselor/therapist/psychologist because for some reason people love talking to me about their issues, even if I have just met them.

Because of this illusion of high social functioning, it causes them to either falsely believe my autism is so mild it isn't really there, or it's just not really there at all.

What they don't realize is every interaction I am in, I am thinking in my head (okay, smile, sticky eyes, right hand gesture, nod, smile, laugh, demonstrate concern, demonstrate amusement, switch tone of voice etc). Like a step book. It isn't that I don't feel these things, it's just that I need to conjure up these expressions or gestures to show these people so they know how I am feeling about whatever they're saying. I become very animated.
That requires so much energy it's not even funny. After so much of it, I need to go be by myself and recharge my batteries or I will begin to crack.

Fortunately, ever since I was diagnosed and my family understands me better, I don't need to isolate away from them... like closing the door of my room. I may be in my room upstairs while they're all downstairs watching TV but my door is wide open, and I come downstairs often to run around and stim, instead of stimming by myself like before.
Also this new strong romantic interest I have is with a woman on the spectrum too so I can just be myself.

This is me exactly. It's interesting this topic has come up because just yesterday a friend of mine who is the most convinced and accepting that I'm somewhere on the spectrum even said that I "don't seem" like I am for the most part, and she named my very warm and friendly social style as why nobody would think I am.

But the key to that is that I've consciously spent about the last 26 years of my life feel that I HAD TO cultivate that socially outgoing persona in order to survive in a world where I found myself left to my own devices -- my parents died when I was in my twenties, and I'd been living at home until that point. I was "chucked out" into a world in which I'd never functioned properly and I had to very quickly make sure I learned how to do that. I was also in a brand new situation where I knew nobody, and if I didn't come out of my shell, I'd be losing opportunities -- job interviews, all kind of things I had to do to start functioning alone in the world.

So I'm so practiced at this now, that I'm possibly not even diagnosable except by someone extremely skilled an knowledgeable about undiagnosed adults coping skills.

But like MadeUnderground said, all the time that I seem "normal" and animated and responsive in a conversation, the wheels and cogs are whirring away inside, with me thinking "is this eye-contact too much now or not enough?...And....look away about NOW....okay now it's okay to say "Oh I agree, that's awful..."

It IS the real me and my real responses but I have to make sure I'm expressing them in the ways that "people do"... and it's exhausting.

I feel a need to do this. I feel pressure to be this because I have some people-pleasing issues already anyway, but also I have to make sure I don't alienate or piss anyone in my life off inadvertently because I'm self employed and keeping in work has a lot to do with a client liking me or disliking me, stuff like that.

But the downside is what the OP posted -- people can see me as so "normal" and high functioning that they expect the same things of me as they themselves find easy in life, and when I do fall down and can't cope in front of them -- meltdown, shutdown, sensory issues, stuff generally coming to a head -- they completely and utterly condemn me, don't extend sympathy or understanding or even just HELP me. They're pissed off that suddenly I'm showing a weakness.

My ex-fiance basically stopped loving me because he finally witnessed stress get to me for the first time -- and kicked me to the curb. Lovely guy.

.