Hopeless, losing coping ability

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I know I've just posted recently, but I'm only in the first few weeks of discovering Asperger's and thinking of it as something I might have, and I feel very unstable. I'm sorry to overpost.

Reading about Asperger's is devastating me. When I thought of myself as 'just' having OCD and depression, there was always room for hope--maybe with the right meds, maybe if I ate the right things, maybe if I exercised more, maybe if I pushed myself to socialize more, it would go away. And by 'it,' I mean this constant feeling of isolation, emptiness, fear, tiredness, and lack of self.

But Asperger's is something about how the brain/nervous system itself is structured. No matter what I do, no matter how well I fit myself into social situations, it sounds like I will always feel this massive divide from other people, that being around them will always be an effort, that I will not develop a full, stable sense of self. Ever. Because my body just doesn't have the pieces to do so.

I see a lot of posts where people say ASD 'gives' people things in return or where there's a harshness toward NTs. I don't blame NTs at all for not wanting to be around me, and I don't feel like the empty intensity of my special interests is much of an exchange for the wiring required to love someone and not drain them and not try to grind them down into my own routines or for the flexibility and sensitivity required to work well with others. I have always dreamed of loving and being loved.

I can't stand the thought that anyone I try to love I will hurt. And that anyone who loves me back will have to put up with behavior that they will find incomprehensible and wounding, or that they will have to struggle with me to do anything new in their lives--or leave me behind. I hate this feeling that the best thing I can do for anyone I love is leave them alone and let them find someone NT to give them the responsiveness they need--and deserve. No one deserves to live in the cage that I live in, and that I will try to put others in with me, if they love me, so I can feel safe around them.

I don't know if I'm suicidal right now. People tell me that you're not actually suicidal until you make a genuine attempt. But I am in despair. I am losing interest in my work (I was never very interested; every day is a struggle), I'm not feeding myself well, my housework is getting behind, and I've started doing something I used to do when I was a little kid--ask everyone I interact with, afterwards, if I did alright, because I've lost faith that I have the ability to perceive when I'm being socially acceptable. When I was 9, I spent a year believing I had potentially been taken over by aliens and asking people if I was acting like myself. I feel like that again now, completely empty and centerless. If I didn't have an NT mother who would be hurt terribly if I died and two spectrum siblings who would also be hurt (I'm not sure what my father would feel), as well as two cats to take care of, I would find some way to die. I keep thinking if there's something I could write to them or someone I could manage it so I could die, anyway. I've started thinking in terms of, well, if I live until my mother dies, then I can die without hurting her.

I'm looking for medical help, but the fact there's not much anyone can do for ASD, really, at its root, kills most of my hope. I honestly cannot see any good reasons to live. If I physically am incapable of feeling the things I've waited my entire life hoping to feel, if the strengths I do have provide me no emotional rewards, and if I feel like a trap and a chain around the neck of anyone I might reach out to, what's the point of living further? There's nowhere to go, nothing to look forward to, no hope to be had. I'm just a piece of meat place-holding for the 'real' daughter my mother should have had. Someone who had a true core and personality, not someone who was faking it so as not to be rejected entirely by the world. My fantasies in the past 10 years have been not to *be* someone else, but to actually let someone else be me. Let someone take over my life and live it and let me leave, quietly, with no one noticing, with me hurting no one.

I don't know how to live any longer. I can't think of an argument that would fix this. I just want to go.

Yes, the chronic isolation and loneliness can be almost unbearable. I felt I had no reason to live before I figured out I had Asperger's. I didn't know what was wrong with me or what to do about it and I was tired of trying and failing so I just gave up. Once I knew I had Asperger's I cried for two weeks straight. Then I started to feel a little hope. There was a name for what I had. I wasn't stupid or crazy. There were others like me who understood. I'm not the only one. That was a tremendous relief for me.

I really don't know what to say to make you feel better but I do feel your pain and understand what you're going through. What has helped me is reading books to help me understand Asperger's.

Finally, at 46 I'm beginning to find out who I am. I'm no longer confused and baffled by my own behavior. That has made me feel a little better.


I hope things get better for you. I really do.

Thank you. I keep reading from and about older aspies (I'm 30, myself) who have managed to make it through this point, much later in life than I am experiencing it. It's crushing because it both confirms what I have felt for most of my life (there's something different about me) and what I've feared (there's no changing it). I've dreamed of something coming along that changes who I am, some magic event or circumstance or person. It's hard to accept that that will never happen.

It's not about changing who you are, but using what skills you do have to your own benefit. It is very hard, and being different does suck quite often. If you can structure your life to make it simpler, and reach out to others how you are able, it's a far cry from a death sentence. You aren't "doomed to hurt everyone", but relationships do take extra patience and understanding. I hope you feel better soon.

It would be nice if something magical comes along to pull people out of their depression. I could definitely benefit from it.

I have a vague recollection of one of my happier times. I was about one year old. When "The Lonely Bull" by Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass came on the radio I used to jubilantly hop up and down. Nothing pacified my soul more than music. Fast forward to today. I still listen to music but this constant depression means I don't enjoy it as much. Hell, I saw the Seahawks beat the 49ers last Sunday and I didn't jump for joy. It just sucks having the joy sucked out of my life.

@Crearan - I know how you feel. Sometimes I'd rather be dead. I'm not surprised I turned into an alcoholic drug addict. It was inevitable. If I was the crying type I'd be in tears right now.

@redrobin62 I don't even so much mind the idea of having a reduced/different range of feelings myself as the whole lacking Theory of Mind part. I always thought I was 'nice' or 'good,' but I've been absurdly cruel at many points in my life. The memories make me deeply ashamed and guilty (and have for some time, not just recently), and the thought that I will likely continue to inflict that kind of pain on others (and on myself, through the shame it brings me) because I have little ability to imagine how they're feeling guts me. I tend to keep friends around only as long as they're useful to me in some way (engaged in activities I'm interested in, offer me opportunities I like to participate in) and have a hard time actively supporting them when they need help. I totally destroyed my first real friendship (and my only marriage) in years recently, because I became paranoid and vicious, blaming her for not understanding my points of view and only feeling comfortable around her after I'd attacked her enough to make her cry. Then I'd be fine and comfortable for a while, which is terrible!

I've read that ASD folks can develop a Theory of Mind (I think I do have a basic one, or it wouldn't even occur to me I'd hurt people or done the wrong thing or that they might have needs counter to my own), but I worry about old age and stress. The books I'm reading say an ASD person's Theory of Mind can fail catastrophically under stress, which means if I have a partner who gets sick (or an aging parent) that I'll likely not be the kind of support and help I want to be. And as I age, I'd imagine my Theory of Mind will decay--and who wants to get trapped in old age with someone who doesn't care about or understand them?

I've seen enough of my father (whom I think is further along on the spectrum than me) to understand that ASD can be corrosive in a relationship. He shows my mother no care or appreciation for the fact that she followed him around, uprooting herself constantly and struggling to raise three challenging children, as he moved with his job and that she now supports the household <i>and</i> does almost all of the housework since he lost work. He doesn't trust her with the finances, won't share the state of them with my mother, and won't ever find the money for things she wants or needs, but can easily find the money for a $9000 supercomputer. Which he bought spur-of-the-moment without talking to her. He thinks he's better than everyone in the household, and will make empathy-less remarks about my mother like the things she likes to read are at a 5th-grade reading level (they're really not! And who cares if they were?) and trying to explain best medical practices to her (she's a nurse; he's a physicist). And yet he still expects her to entertain him every weekend, taking him to one of the four restaurants he's comfortable going to. It hurts me to watch, especially after my marriage, when I realized I kept acting far too much like he does. I kept talking down to my wife about finances (even though I suck at finances; the most I've got on her is that I do 'pay myself' first a little bit each payday, and she lives in a country where that's not half as necessary), developed contempt for the things she liked and did (even though I'd met her doing those same things!), and began trying to control her friendships elsewhere. And yet I still desperately wanted her to pay attention to me and care for me. It was nasty and stupid. If that's who I am around people I care about, I just want to live in a hut with 10 cats for the rest of my life.

ETA: It boils down to: It's no fun thinking I can love someone but only if they don't challenge or disrupt my routine at all. That's not love. I don't want to be with someone if they constantly have to worry about what I'll act like if times get tough or we need to make changes. Times will always get tough and changes will always need to be made. I know I'm very reluctant to make changes--even necessary ones--in my own life, and will often not see an obvious need for change unless it's pointed out. How can I offer support to someone else when I can't even see how to manage my own life?

Crearan, I felt a lot of what you describe when I first got diagnosed. That it meant I wasn't human, and wasn't capable of having relationships, or friendships, and that I should just isolate myself from everyone.

And I'm still only starting to come out of that phase. In my case, I've come to realize that I simply don't want any real-life relationships, and I'm content to just interact with people online.

But I do think we're capable of being good friends and partners. It's just a matter of finding people who share our desire for a relatively simple, reclusive lifestyle, and don't see that as a 'burden'.

I think you'll eventually move past this phase, and realize that you're a human being, and that being autistic doesn't mean you can't have a terrific personality in your own way, and qualities that other people find likable!

Crearan, I feel such a connection to you. I have not been to this site in about 3 years, but the last time I visited, someone here helped me to get a job, a job I still have (although now reluctantly.) Since this site helped me before, I decided to come back. But this time to post something of a cry for help, for some kind of empathy, advice, whatever I could get. I was browsing the threads, and looking for something or someone I could relate to. You're it.

I don't mean to hijack your thread, but I'm similar in age, 29, and am in a state of despair and loneliness like I never have been. Unlike you, I have officially been diagnosed with high-functioning autism for a few years, but that is to take nothing away from what you're experiencing or what your true diagnosis may be. By the sound if it, I'm actually less routine-oriented and opposed to change than you are, and was still diagnosed. This is something of an exception to the rules of diagnosis, so it sounds like you may have a good chance at a diagnosis if everything else fits. We can talk about the diagnostic testing process more if you like.

Anyway, getting back to me, social anxiety has been crippling for me all my life. Because of this, I turned to alcohol. I've been drinking since I legally could, but it has gotten bad in recent years, and months. So much so that I am experiencing health problems from it. Despite all of this, I would not consider myself an alcoholic, because I can go without it indefinitely. After a few days of abstinence, the cravings go away, largely due to the SSRI I'm on. The alcohol is something that allowed me to enjoy myself at night, when there is no one else around (as there always is) and nothing to do, just enjoying myself in a stupor. It is also a numbing agent; something to help forget the loneliness by replacing it with a blackout.

I don't know if you can relate to my experience with alcohol, or anything similar, but I thought I would share. I haven't had a drink for several days because I'm trying to heal. The thing is, I don't know if I want to heal or seek counseling, or therapy. The health effects of booze are catching up to me (quicker than I anticipated at my age, by the way), but I'm at a point where I have and am contemplated ending it all.

But I remember that deep down, what would really replace the alcohol is a personal connection. A relationship, someone to show me compassion, and me for them. And the hope of this lifts me out of this despair somewhat. And I hope we can have a dialogue and perhaps help each other out, because it sounds like that's what you need, too. I can also address some of your more specific concerns about getting medical help and so on, but for now...

...it is late for me and I have taken a couple chill pills to go to sleep. I hope to hear back from you, Crearan. And I may follow up before then with more helpful advice.

By the way, there may be ways of changing it. SSRI's and the like can alleviate depression and anxiety and make you a little more social. I can vouch for this myself. However they may have limited, or no beneficial effects for some people. But they are worth a try. I have also looked into a hormone called oxytocin, which has shown promise in alleviating the symptoms of autism, although more research needs to be done. In the mean time, you can get oxytocin OTC or by Rx to see if it helps you.



I would not get hung up on this whole theory of mind thing. You probably have more empathy than you realize. The fact that you are self-aware enough to realize that you may lack empathy sometimes indicates this.

I think I might not realize I lack it if I hadn't been brought up with an ASD father. I've seen firsthand how much his lack of empathy hurts my mother, and when I started doing certain things around my ex (clinging to her physically when I wanted a hug, being uncomfortable when she chose to hug me, dismissing her needs, criticizing her as knowing less than I do, feeling contempt for her, shutting down emotionally and in communication), I had a model to visualize what I must be doing to her.

I'm on venlafaxine. I don't know if it helps.

God, I have never felt this bad. I know this is absurd to say to a forum full of strangers, but I want to die more than I have ever wanted to die in my life, and I've had suicidal ideation most of my life. I keep reading story after story after story online that sounds exactly like how my father treats my mother, and the pain the women telling the stories feel and how exactly it mirrors my mother's pain. And I know folks will argue that the ASD husbands probably feel pain, too, but it doesn't erase the fact that the women, even those who know what their husbands have, feel so trapped, used, drained, and deceived. And, even though I'm a woman who was in a relationship with another woman, I see the parallels too strongly to look away. I can't generate emotions unless they're self-centered; hugging my wife felt artificial unless *I* was the one hurt and seeking solace, even though I want to make her happy. When we kissed, I always thought about 'doing it right,' I could feel aroused but not connected. I was following a script, and when the script failed me, I would cry and get her pity and attention or blame her instead of knowing what to do next.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to keep going to work, even though I *need* to keep going to work, or my mother will have another dependent adult child in her home. I don't know how to approach anyone for friendship knowing now that I can't reciprocate with what even another ASD person needs (because I certainly feel the need for the empathy shown by an NS; I suspect most ASD folks do).

I want to free my mother so much. This isn't fair to her. My brother might be NS, but my sister and my father certainly aren't, and my mother is such a damned good person. She's in her 50s, and she's had her life used up by us. If only I didn't exist! If I die, I hurt her even more, because she loves me and she wants me to live and I know she would let me back into the house and bend over backwards and use up even more of herself to support me, too, and that's just not *right.* I don't know what to do. I collapsed emotionally at work today and came home. I thought about going to the ER, but I can't imagine that staying hidden from my family and what would they do, anyway? Talk me down from suicide (which I won't commit because it would hurt my mother too much) and send me home? All I can imagine right now is hiding in my house until I starve but I know I don't even have the integrity and emotional wherewithal to do that. I would keep hoping someone would show up and save me and fix things. Just like my mother has always fixed things for me before. It's like I'm a 10-year-old with the vocabulary of a 30-year-old.

I'm afraid someone will take my cats away XD That's so stupid. If I can't cope, I won't be able to keep my cats. God. What kind of life do I have? Not that my cats aren't important. But. Cats. Someone else could care for my cats! I'll just miss watching them grow up.

@carzak I've never used substances (I drink socially now, but it took me a long time to learn to do that), because I've always been afraid of anything that makes me lose control (not surprising...). I really can't imagine ever pursuing a relationship, now, because I've seen what I did to someone else in a relationship and I've seen what my father's done to my mother. I can't even imagine socializing with other people right now. Since it's all a game to me, a desire to seem normal and gain support from others and a way to hide from the world... I feel like a psychopath who's aware and feels ashamed about being a psychopath but can't change it.

In a way, you are lucky to have known your father, and to realize how bad of an example he is to follow. It's also good that you've been able to learn from your past relationship. It means you can be a better person.

I tried Effexor once years ago. Immediate bad side effects, so it wasn't for me. I take Escitalopram, otherwise known as Lexapro, and have been for probably 6-7 years. It brought me out of a major depressive episode, but its effects have weakened. However it is known to be among the most tolerable and to have the least side effects.

Two days ago I could say the same thing. I did something that I've never done before, although I'm not sure I want to share it publicly. But if you want to talk privately, I might tell you.



I've always thought development with me stopped at about 14.



If we talk privately, or through a chat or something, would you be willing to try? By posting here, you seem to be reaching out for someone. Are you? I think I am. Otherwise we would be writing in diaries, journals, blogs, or.... suicide notes, wouldn't we? Coming here in despair, I feel some hope in that I may be able to help you.

In the mean time, have you considered admitting yourself into a psychiatric hospital? Maybe you should make that visit to the ER, where if you tell them what you have told us, they will likely suggest or even involuntarily commit you. I've experienced this. It can be scary, but they will be able to find the right treatment and meds for you in a safe and calm environment. You will be away from all the stress from work and whatever, which will help you recover.

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