Coping as an Aspie parent

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Hi all,

I'm new here and have searched for posts on coping with parenting as an AS father. I can find many posts about parenting AS children, but not the other way around.... so apologies if I broke a forum rule already

My boy is 4 years old an a great little boy at that. My problem is that I find being a dad EXTREMELY stressful and a magnitude worse when I'm on my own (I can cope much better when my wife is with me). I feel like I'm almost often in fight/flight mode and pretty jumpy as he's full of energy and does everything at full speed. I kind childrens noise and randomness difficult to deal with (parties drive me insane). At the weekend, I crave after a few hours on my own with a book or something and then I'm better able to cope, but it's not really possible to do that.

I'm trying to determine whether this is something to be expected as an Aspie dad or whether it's related more to stress.

Do others identify with this and what did you do? I'm fortunate that my wife understands me, but I'd like to reduce my stress reaction.

Thanks

Mr S

Much depends on you, what is your normal.

I am an autistic, and have been raising the same. my son is 8 now (and I am 51), been basically raising him alone since he was 19 months old.

Sometimes I do get irritable, but thats normal. for me I enjoy spending time with my son, we play allot, its about like having that friend I never had at those ages., I take him crystal hunting, fossil hunting, hiking, bike riding, climbing trees together, building forts together, etc. in many ways he worships me. he is my best friend.

Use attachment parenting at the younger ages, and grow more and more into love and logic type of parenting as your child ages. and it would help with your feeling of things being out of control if you took parenting classes, I have 6 certificates on my wall. in attachment parenting, it helps if your feeling your child is most always being a bother or in the way, because you include the child in many of the things you do, like cooking, cleaning, doing chores, etc. don't just tell the child to do it, but do it with them. my son knew how to cook pancakes and scrambled eggs by 6 years of age. children are much easer to handle when you involve them, it makes them feel like a big person because the child is doing things with you, and the child is learning life skills. and your left feeling not as overwhelmed because of trying to do several things at once.

Your stressed most likely because of having to learn how to adapt to being a parent and family man. try taking parenting classes, it would help.

My suggestion on birthday parties is to be the Photographer for the party. It gives you a great excuse to not be interacting with the other parents since you are hiding behind the camera. I show up at every party with a giant camera and a bunch of gear and nobody talks to me assuming I am busy.

The stage your son is in is part of the stress. This will change and change again, etc., knowing that can help you be patient. Being with and playing with my son was particularly stressful for me when he was that age. AspergianMutantt has great suggestions, I will add one thing. That is I had to familiarize my son with my absolutely required need to take breaks from playing with him. Even at 4 they understand if you tell them that you're going to do "x" for a short time. Set it up so he's safe with his toys and read, nearby. Even at 4 they will pick up on and learn - they are learning terrifically fast every moment they're awake - it'll become the norm for them that dad is happier if he takes breaks. Mine is 13 now and goes for walks and runs with me, which is awesome. Hope this helps.

First hint: Start with listing the good things you do right where you are at. You can build on those.

Don't compare yourself to other parents. You're not other parents, and there isn't one right way to do it. You're you; with respect (of course) to your child's needs, you are going to do it your way.

Thinking about what kind of parent you "should" be is a waste of time and energy. Been there, done that, lost YEARS of my kids' lives. OK-- there are things you're not great at. You don't want to make up voices for 23 little cars and play superheroes-- OK. Big deal. There is some other 4-year-old (or 4-year-old's parent) who will do that stuff. And if there isn't?? Four-year-olds have imaginations, and need to practice using them on their own.

Meanwhile, maybe you're great at building roads for 23 little cars and telling the kid the story of the superheroes you have no interest in pretending to be. Maybe you're aces at reading books about cars and superheroes (or whatever) to the kid.

I, frankly, don't "do" parties. The ONLY parties I "do" are the ones my relatives give-- where the kids do their own thing, under supervision, while the adults hang out. I didn't "do" organized kids' parties when I was a kid-- and I didn't actually know anyone else who did either-- and we all turned out OK.

You don't have to be perfect at whatever you do with him. And you don't have to do it all, nor do you have to do it all, all day long. Twenty minutes here and twenty minutes there, a few times a day, are fine unless you are the primary caregiver...

...and then, you're still going to spend a lot more time maintaining the kid (watching the kid, cleaning the kid, cleaning up after the kid, feeding the kid) than actually playing with the kid. Been doing the SAHM thing for 12 years now-- I know of what I speak.

Another point-- There are way too many kids these days who are taught to BE KIDS, and way too few who enjoy the benefit of 18 years in training for adulthood (you know, where they're going to spend the rest of their lives).

I've had some great times playing board games and reading stories and hanging out at the park with my kids (because I've found that, for all I loved it as a kid, my capacity for imaginative play went out the window somewhere between Dungeons and Dragons at 23 and the second child at 27). I should say, WE'VE had some great times, because it sure isn't hard to get them to sit down for another game.

We've also had some great times singing songs while weeding the garden, or building shelves, or making bread/cookies/noodles/a casserole, or cleaning out the car, or putting in a flower bed, or fixing something, or just cleaning the house and saying silly things (the kids do most of the silly thing saying, and laugh like loons when I tell them it's silly).

Don't think about what you "SHOULD" be doing. Other than feeding, hygiene, and safety, a lot of the "should be doings" are someone else's construct of parenting. Think about what you "CAN" be doing. Barring obvious things, like sexual nastiness and circular saws, it's not about doing approved things in approved manners like you read in books and magazines. It's about doing SOMETHING-- sometimes on his terms, sometimes on yours (because kids who only do things on their terms are called "brats").

A final point-- There is NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING wrong with a 4-year-old learning to understand that Daddy Needs A Break. I was completely unprepared for motherhood at 23-- I was either going to teach the child that Mommy Needed Breaks, or I was going to go stark raving mad. So Mommy got breaks, and Precious learned to understand. Fast-forward six to eight years-- I have two more kids, and I'm determined not to parent like an Aspie. So I didn't tell the next two to quiet down, didn't take breaks, tried not to need things.

Guess which kid went to kindergarten without a problem?? And guess which kids have a hard time sitting down, shutting up, and doing what they're told?? YUP-- the kid who got AspieMomma for the first five years has, so far, fared a heck of a lot better than the two who got WannabeNT Mommy.

Might be a coincidence. But I don't think so. The baby is getting AspieMomma from the get-go...

...and she's much easier to deal with, at 20 months, than the middle two were. More like the first one.

It's not just me, either. Friends and relatives have commented on it too.

It helps me to do something with or for my children. Getting time away from people sometimes helps, but not always enough and does not always help. Getting them involved in an activity I like and can do with them works, or getting them involved in an activity that others supervise and I can watch and zone out works.

Children's sports are great for keeping kids happy and active, and you can socialize with other parents, or step back and walk or sit alone. Especially if it is outdoors, plus you'll feel good about his being active, and he'll be happier for having been running around.

I'm not sure what will work for you and your child, but since the randomness bothers you, and being on your own is hard, I'd say go with what you know about yourself and schedule/select things that lead to less randomness and less unstructured time on your own. You'll feel happier and better, and your child will probably find things he loves as well. Win-win.

Some very helpful tips, thank you very much