Hey guys. I've been having really bizarre dreams again....I don't mean like the gross body-horror related dreams I was having when I "stepped down" from Lexapro to Prozac, but more like dreams that dig up the things I don't want to feel or think about and bury deep into my sub-conscious.
Anyway, last night's dream was related to how my stepmother seems to resent the fact that I'm on medication, even though she was one of the people who was in favor of it, at first. I know she resents it now cuz over winter break when my psychiatrist prescribed Prozac, I overheard her talking with my dad about how "This will be the third drug she's been on...." "I don't want her to become a "victim...." etc etc. The conversation ended with my dad defending me and my stepmom walking off in a huff, as she usually does.
The thing is....I truly believe that most of my problems with anxiety and depression are caused by her. There, I said it. She has this sort of difficult personality, she has a really short temper, you never know what's going to set her off, she's unpredictable, and when she's under stress, she hurls insults at anyone who gets her in her way. She also fat-shames me all the time when I'm with her and my dad during the summer. She wasn't the mother I needed when my bio mom had to move to a different state with my stepdad when I was 12. She worked all the time, came home mad at the world (and at me) and honestly made me feel like I wasn't wanted around at all. She even threatened me with "I'm going to leave and never do anything for you again" one night when we were at a restaurant and she got drunk. It's because of that one incident alone that I have believed for years that I am, at my core, an unlikable, POS person and that everyone is going to abandon me eventually.
Now, onto my dream.....what I remember of it is that I was overhearing my stepmom talking to my dad again, saying, "You've spent millions of dollars in medication for her (now, I KNOW that's not true) and she's not getting any better....I'm going to send her an email that going to tell her exactly how I feel about what she's put us through for the past few months!"
Hearing this (in the dream) I got angry - what about all she's put ME through? I vowed to ignore/delete the email as soon as I got it. God, I was angry....I've done nothing but act obedient, cater to her, get things for her when she's sick, help her around the house when the extended family comes over, stay out of her way and locked up in my room when she comes home in one of her moods, get good grades, choose a college major she approved of, hold back tears whenever she's criticized/fat-shamed me, etc etc and she STILL has never been able to "snap out of it" and act like a REAL MOTHER for me?? REALLY??
I just don't know who has more of a right to be angry...her or me. What I do know is, it can only be one of us.
Anyway, I've been awake for about 2 or 3 hours now, and this is still bothering me. Just needed to get it off my chest. This is probably going to ruin my whole day and I don't even have any meds left.
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I wish Sterling Holloway narrated my life.
"IT'S NOT FAIR!" "Life isn't fair, Calvin." "I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in MY favor?" ~ from Calvin and Hobbes
04 Mar 2014, 3:09 pm
