BLARGARGARGARG

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grrr... I'm very frustrated right now. I got hit by a wave of depression and I cant shake it. I stopped working out, I'm feeling like s**t. I've been feeling suicidal non-stop. I havn't been getting my homework done... f**k...

Commence venting!

#1 stressor right now is that I'm still trying to date even though I've realized what a futile endeavor it is. I've realized that I've completely spilled myself into this girl emotionally and only just come to realize how lopsided it was when it was pointed out to me that we haven't known each other long enough for me to be that emotionally attached. I realized I've basically been spilling my guys but her "quietness" was really her reticence to share information about herself or to become overly engaged. I've said things I cant take back (about myself) that I wish I hadn't. It's BS. I wish I was a better liar or that I had a bettor censor for need-to-know type stuff. I jumped to the conclusion that my best friend was hitting on me (which I now know was mistaken) and then I f*****g told the girl from f*****g okcupid about it. wtf myself?

Idk, She made a point to tell me she was browsing okcupid, which now that I know that she's been controlled in her revelations to me was likely a message that I am adamantly refusing to receive. I hope it either moves forward or ends soon. I hate these early stages.

On the other side I got a text from another girl which I felt like it must be directed to someone else.... but what if it wasn't? And rather than leaving it open-ended I suggested she had the wrong number. Blech. goddammit why couldn't I just assume that someone actually wanted to talk to me.

Idk, I'm coming to understand how badly I f****d myself by not working hard enough in school. I have no inherant value and I failed to acheive the milestones that confirm my value to others. Now it will take me years to put the peices back together and even then I will be behind my peers. I've become unable to take interest in anything, it's making me really boring to talk to. The only thing I care about any more is polotics but I just ramble off "facts" that turn out to have been misrepresented speculation in political debates. I don't have anything good to say and my sense of humor has been eroded. Why would anyone bother with me?

Besides that I've f*****g let myself go!

#2) body image issues.

I'm so f*****g pissed off at myself. Why is it that when I lose weight I feel like a f*****g unattractive fattass but when I balloon out that's when I'm flying high and can do no wrong? (probably just hungry)

#3) boundries

did I mention I accidentally thought my best friend was hitting on me? Yeah, sounds like projecting to me too: f**k!

#4) I can't go to the coffee shop

yeah, this happens every year or so. The morning guy is gay and every time I leave a tip rather than trying to scrabble with the change (which they always put on the counter instead of handing to me) with my gloves on I just drop it in the tip jar. My general awkwardness and lack of eye-contact and awkward attempts at polite small-talk is interpreted as flirtation. Eventually I get accused leading him on and I have to stop going there for coffee (which is annoying cause I like their coffee and it's literally right outside my front door on the way to my car-parking-spot). Yeah, so then I avoid there during his shift for 6 or so months until we mutually forget the incident and it starts all over again. This will be the third time it's happened.

5# homework

yeah this is a self-peretuating cycle. I miss some homework, get depressed about it causeing me to miss more blargargarg! f**k.

6# money.

holy f**k did I take a pay cut... I'm losing money every month and just fuckity f**k f**k! I cant even take on more hours because I need the time for school and I chose to prioritize having a social life and getting out of the house. And it's a fuckign expensive social life too! f**k, I never had to spend this much money when I lplayed eve online.

7# Identity

Why the f**k am I? I used to be a gamer. I played games, thought about games and bought games. I don't f*****g have anything else. Theres nothing remotely interesting about me. I literally sit there staring at news pages I've already read because I cant thing of other things to do other than games which not only do I not want but they dont hold my interest now anyways.


BLALRALRLLGLALRLEjsihjhnjlsh;lujo

I know that feeling it makes you want to punch a hole in the wall!