I did a bad thing

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I'm not sure if this is where I post this, but today I think I had a meltdown. Or something. I started yelling at my younger brother (who is undiagnosed autistic - I am diagnosed with Aspergers) and then I just kept screaming and screaming and hitting things and I don't know what happened, I was just so angry at everything. My family has been living with me for nearly a year rent-free because they basically have no money, and I understand and I want to help them, but today I was just so mad about everything and I can't believe I screamed at my little brother. I sounded just like my mom when she screamed at us when we were little. And I don't know how to fix it or if he'll be mad at me forever or what, I don't want him to hate me, but I've yelled at him a lot while he's been here and I'm really scared. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so angry all the time. We used to fight all the time when we were younger but I thought I was over that and here I am, screaming at my brother and making him cry. And I feel even worse because I somehow always do this, and I can't stop myself. And I know he doesn't respond to anger, and I keep yelling anyway.

can you leave the room when this begins to happen?

please be sure to go back and hug him and apologize after the meltdown is over. It does wonders for you and for him. Its hard to do but its worth it.

Apologize for sure. Let him know how you feel about your actions. I think counseling for anger managemet could help you too. You can do things to calm yourself down and marginalize these attacks.

I apologized to him. I still feel horrible. I know what's it like to be on the receiving end and I still did it. I'm going to look into counseling. I've tried leaving the room when I want to yell, but it doesn't work.

I think the truth here is that you have a choice. Nothing is really forcing you to behave this way. You are taking out frustration or venting on other people. If you continue they will leave when they can and not want to come back into your life, if they have not already decided to do so.

Apologies, although better then nothing, are essentially meaningless with repeat offenses.

I think you have a good idea to see a counselor, for getting help can be a catalyst for change. But ultimately it will be like another useless apology unless you decide to make the change and stick to it. It may not be as hard a change to make as you think.

I have to agree with that. Not too long ago I had increasing temper issues and was 'losing it' frequently. It just developed suddenly. I lashed out at my family, and was all around bitter. It was hurting them. I didn't know what was happening. I did go see a psychiatrist who helped me understand it better and found out it was only some repressed stuff, even better that was actually how I found out I had Asperger's.

It's good that you are aware you're having a meltdown. That is the first step to dealing with it.

For myself as an adult when I became aware that I had aspergers I realized I would have meltdowns and even though I didn't want to, I couldn't do anything to stop them.

Slowly I've gotten to where I realize I'm going into one and take steps to stop. It's still hard to resist. It's like I'm on autopilot and just go into it before I realize what's going on but I'm able to turn it off. I'm much better than I was.

I'd just recommend being hyper-vigilant about yourself but not to the point where you stress out over it. If you are able to identify a cause to your meltdowns, treat them with risk management. Avoid, transfer, accept or mitigate the risk.

Thanks for all the messages. Toy_Soldier, I think you're right about apologies being meaningless if I constantly keep doing this to him. I made an appointment to see if I can get some counseling. I also figured out that these outbursts are caused whenever I need to have a serious talk with him - I get very frustrated, because talking is difficult not only for me, but also for him. I think next time, if I do need to talk to him, I'll send him a message on FB - it's easier for me to write and it's easier for him to read. I told him my idea and he agrees.

But I've been feeling really angry for a very long time, and it's been sitting in me, so I'm going to work with a counselor.

Thats a good plan. Also, if you feel like you want to try and talk to him face to face, try writing out your points beforehand and then you have something to refer to if you get distracted.