Agoraphobia is not helping the situation

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Agoraphobia looming???, my parents died seven years ago from taking there own lives. I've been living in my farther's house since then. All my life I always subconsciously knew that facing my fears would ultimately make me stronger. And during my teens I always had an urge to make friends. In my mind if it wasn't for my farther and my farther's house I would most definitely be living on the street. I've realised it affects my daily living because my fears at home can escalate at work and visa versa. So having a stable home is really important to do my job properly. But even with this in mind I'm not sure if I can do my job properly. Before I left school I decided to become a chef and quickly discovered that my co workers were getting really frustrated with my performance and time keeping at work. And soon got fired after a year of being there. Obviously with new career in mind I started to wonder what I was doing wrong. I really should have left sooner but the thoughts of already wasting what I had learned made me stay, plus I feel more confident there since that is what I know. And my father kept pushing me back into it, every time I got fired from a job I had him to deal with, being told I'm lazy, can't be bothered. My only words of retaliation because I was so fed up where that I don't care, I do care I care very much about my career. Any how's fast forward 10 years, I'm in the same predicament as when I was 16 years old, I am now 27. I feel like I'm having a breakdown. I live in a village and it is known that I am the late boy and they all laugh and tell me how pathetic I am and how it's so easy to keep a job. I find it really hard to get up in the mornings and I wonder if that's because I chose a half hearted job. The bit that tells me I can be bothered and I'm not wasting people's time is that when I get to work I try to work at double the pace. No matter what I've tried I still fail. I know that part of my problem is stresses at work and I usually suffer from insomnia too. I also get insomnia if It's stress at home, or if I get excited about something. I also don't understand how people get to sleep by 10, I usually start feeling tired around one and if I don't have responsibility's I can stay up all night. Any how's I left my last job recently because I started slipping back into my old ways. Let's call it stress. We had a new head chef at work and he was changing the kitchen around and on top of that I didn't like his performance and on top of that I was being late. I tried to explain that if he penalised me it would make it worse and I just need to naturally sink back In. He did not allow this which could have led to warnings that makes me more anxious, he said to me that it was a busy day and I had let him down by being half an hour late, but he told me to go home and come back on my next shift, I said but if we are busy you need me to be here, but he still insisted I go home. That instant I don't know what came over me but I flipped, I smacked a empty baked bean tin across the room and I saw the chefs coffee cup on the table and just smashed it on the floor, by this time he was saying get out get out. I called him names under the sun as I was walking out and as I left I kicked the wet floor sign back into the kitchen and it smashed into pieces, by that time I was just leaving and he started following me out, I then told him if he came near me I would smash his face into a million pieces. I guess like everything else I had smashed and walked out the building. It shocked me a bit because I'm not a violent person I would never dream of smashing someone's face into a million pieces. Anyway I have tried to get another job and house, move area, go to the doctor, have blood tests, claim job seekers, all the intentions are there but I can't bring myself too it, I have rising panic attacks and I'm quick to be overwhelmed. I want to fit in somewhere and feel good about my trade but I feel so unsecured and unorganised. If I try to do something something else holds me back, I think I fear change. I don't know what started this but it's like which came first the chicken or the egg. Any how's the only support I'm getting is from my aunty at the moment and thank god she has not abandoned me. She keeps saying why can't you try this and that and I can try and help you but I need to be able to help myself. I feel so bad because we just go round in circles. I know the obvious answer would be to go any of the things I mentioned but I can't bring my self to it. Does any body know how I can help myself without telling me it's easy just go there, or face the fear and do it anyway. Omg I mean I wish it was that easy. It's fairly vital that I take some action because obviously I need to be able to support myself. Many thanks

Last edited by Grommit on 10 Jun 2014, 4:28 pm, edited 4 times in total.

I wish I had an answer for the many of us whose confidence in their ability to function in the real world, is either very low or even gone completely.

Just getting on with it doesn't help, I know. The best I can say is to try and figure out what are the thoughts that give rise to being disorganised and stressed and try to work on them. That's what I'm trying at the moment.

I know it's not much but I hope it helps.

Hello I_wanna_blue nice to meet you and thank you for taking the time to read and reply so quick, sorry the text is so long. I edited a few things that i thought were a bit strong about what I think I might have, but at least I think this topic is based around arogaphobia. I nearly deleted this post in fear I was whining too much. And I'm sorry because that would have been unacceptable to you. Every time someone posts there always seems to be this undefining answer that I always miss and I have to read it a few times to understand where things are going. That's a problem with me I only hear and see what I choose to sometimes and miss the point. I love your answer about trying to figure out what are the thoughts that give rise to being disorganised and stressed, and it got me thinking.
I will have to get back to you on that one.
You mentioned that was your strategy at the moment, did you come up with anything about why you was disorganised and stressed???

Well my therapist wants me to identify the beliefs I have which ultimately lead me to feel nervous, which lead me to feel self conscious, which lead me to feel stressed, and which lead me to become disorganised.

It's pretty much down to how I feel about myself and how I fit in to the world around me. All my life I've felt insecure, in that I felt threatened by the world around me. I'm one of those people who are only happy when I feel a sense of security about my existence within the world around me. Only then can I focus on tasks in the real world without falling apart.

In a nutshell, all my worries cloud my ability to function correctly in the real world.

It's still a process, and one I'm just beginning since this is a new therapist for me.

I hope that made sense, and I hope it's of some help too.

Ok, so far this is what I come up with, I started with a bubble chart, but almost scrapped it because it was too vague but I came to the conclusion disorganised = stress and stress = disorganised. My main areas evolving around stress and disorganisation would be thinking in its self both neg/pos and in turn gives me insomnia. Anxiety and expressing my thoughts, saying the right thing at the right time and how people might perceive me, could be paranoia. Change, fear of the unknown, I.e negative thoughts (bad things might happen), fear of rejection, lack of performance. I then went on to writing more in depth of what made me feel insecure/unsecure. I came up with three pages of what worried me, and it all equates to current affairs, I.e global catastrophes, fear of danger (people) but also stated how much I love the planet. I could write it but it probably comes across extremely subjective and not everyone feels this way. I don't see a future for the human race maybe, and my heart bleeds with the planet. I think I am a sensitive guy and I might be naturally negative or pessimistic and look for the flaws rather than the good points, it's not that I don't like good points, I just like trying to solve a problem. Now another conclusion which might not help much but goes a bit like this. You mentioned you were always insecure like this, me too. I am afraid of a lot of things. I concluded that I lived like an insurance broker always checking for risk assessments.
Philosophical thinking is linked to depression but depression = deep thinker = analytical thinker = checks for flaws so
Life = anxious + scared = can't function = unorganised,
Also the reason I fear change is because it is out of my comfort zone. I also came to the conclusion that I was an observer, outsider.
This could be flaws in this type of thinker the analytical thinker.

So my final conclusion is I am insecure as a guy living on this planet, I am free without friends as long as I'm busy (selfish streak) I protect myself on a day to day basis from a barrage of negative stimuli through the day then I say enough is enough. I think night times In my own comfort zone is my piece and tranquility, my study time. I haven't got to conform to the rat race. Another thing I thought about was existential crisis, and not being satisfied with my career but at the same time don't want to change, I hope this sheds some light on the conundrum.

Last edited by Grommit on 11 Jun 2014, 7:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm left handed,
Left brained dominant,
I like arts, sciences,
AQ score 161 200
NT 56 200

That makes sense to me. I'm in a very similar position. It's a tough place to be in, since you want to break free, but breaking free is so unknown and scary. So you're happy where you are, but you're not happy where you are.

[/quote]That makes sense to me. I'm in a very similar position. It's a tough place to be in, since you want to break free, but breaking free is so unknown and scary. So you're happy where you are, but you're not happy where you are.[/quote]

Yes. Nice too meet you. It is rather a conundrum. Lol

Hi there, and nice to meet you. I like the name, does it have anything to do with Wallace and Gromit?

Yes from the creators of nick parks.