Violent spasms

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Firstly I've been very chronically depressed for most of my life, starting since my early teens, I'm now in my mid-twenties, and have most of the time, kept my depression tame and under wraps, I never let it affect other people etc.

But lately over the past year I've been getting these extremely violent spasms during high-stress situations... it's like an extremely hostile spirit takes over me, and i want to smash something. This violent spasm (i don't know if there's a technical term for it) happens a few times a week, and I can feel it's trying to attack someone as if there is someone to blame for my depression (there is no one).

During each episode I normally just clutch my head or bite myself to calm myself down, but if it gets any worse I can easily imagine this leading to self-mutilation because the feeling is EXTREMELY violent, when I'm biting myself I get a strong urge to tear the flesh, but I haven't fallen that far yet.... The other day I wanted to smash my dresser, I violently shoved it around and made a lot of noise... There are kids living in the house so I try to control this urge as much as possible as I don't want to freak them out, but I really wanted to see something fall over and break.

It sometimes gives me the fantasy of grabbing my guitar by the fret board and swing it around to break whatever I can find.

I'm afraid that the violent spasms are getting more and more common, I don't want to ever hut anyone but If it gets any worse, which I think it will, I might have to take my own life. Actually I think I would already be dead but my dog is pretty much the only thing keeping me alive (I'm just waiting him to pass) He's an old dog, but I can't stand the idea of him being alone and old without me. Part of what makes me feel stressed during those episodes is the fact that I feel trapped here, my chronic depression has made me suicidal for the past five years and I really want to die but I simply can't go while my dog is still alive.

Honestly, I think five years ago when I made my first suicide attempt, I was right in every aspect, this is precisely what I wanted to avoid, but I just couldn't die while my dog was still alive, and I still can't die because he's still alive... but if it keeps getting worse I might have to leave him to fate... I can't live with myself by doing that though. I'm in a no-win situation here, where I have to endure a lot of years of isolation of loneliness on top of an entire childhood of isolation and loneliness, and I'm just not sure If i can make it, the best-case scenario here is that my dog dies and I'm finally allowed to go, worse-case scenario is that I start attaching people to these violent spasms.

I just feel that I'm slowly turning into a monster and there's no way to escape it.

I hope you can make an appointment with a therapist ASAP. this is something that needs to be nipped in the bud.

I had a big wobbler just over a month ago. Ended up chucking a brick through the door of someone who has done me a great wrong. I was drunk at the time, I was also drunk when I handed myself in to the police but I must have said something to upset them because they all set upon me, woke up with some right bruises. Anyway I was so wound up, trapped in the little cell with no one to take my aggression out of that I ended up biting myself on my arm. Made a right royal mess of myself, it is still not fully healed and as I am typing this it is itching and irritating me. I did grab my guitar by the fret board and destroyed it though after receiving a letter from my local police's professional standards department, though I do feel a tad stupid now for letting the incompetent corrupt fools get to me.

Any way that is all in the past, near past I admit but still in the past. There are other ways to solve problems, getting mad and angry just makes them worse. I have gone about solving my problems in an unconventional and convoluted way, almost like reverse osmosis. But I seem to be getting results, this morning I feel as cool as a cucumber, without an ounce of embitterment or resentment in my soul.