I have too much empathy, not too little...

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My new friend/girlfriend did/said some things that are upsetting. I was picking her up at her house and some door-to-door religious guy came by handing out pamphlets. I was standing with her on the porch and she took the pamphlet and tore it up, right in front of the guy. I'm an atheist, we're both atheist. Those people can be annoying but I was religious earlier in my life and realize those people think they're doing a service. She also said she felt glee when she witnessed someone being towed for parking in front of a fire hydrant for five minutes. I realize you can't park in front of a hydrant for any length of time, but people aren't perfect. Sometimes people are in a hurry and don't notice the hydrant, other times they can't find other parking and think they can take the risk for a short trip. Finding parking in this city is HELL. Is the probability of a fire occurring near a particular hydrant at a particular time so high to justify hating someone? A fire could happen and someone could die? Sure. I could also be struck by lightning. Speeding drivers put other people in a much higher probability of death bracket.

If something like that happens to me is she going to take delight in my misery rather than be supportive, all because she's "right" and that's the most important damn thing in the world. I mean, f**k being nice and having sympathy for people who make mistakes. The problem is she's a f*****g happy person. She has no reason to be bitter. She doesn't deal with depression. She has no reason to be an a**hole. I don't think I can trust a person like that to be supportive. It seems in this world the greatest crime is lacking "confidence", yet having confidence usually means being so cock-sure of yourself that you reserve the right to be an a**hole to lesser people who are "too stupid to follow the rules".

Eh, to a third party observer, your friend sounds a bit immature, but not actually malicious, and IMHO she would probably react differently if it were you in distress than she does to misfortune befalling others, and I'd give her the benefit of the doubt myself. Thoughtlessness is unfortunately more the norm than the exception, and I've learned that judging people too harshly on it usually only serves to isolate me, at least offline.

I also completely understand the too much empathy thing, my own detachment is largely a defensive response to years of misery from over-identifying with every unfortunate soul I read/heard about, fictional or real, until I was able to get it under control through anti-anxiety meds and developing a very thick defensive shell, though I still carry high dose Xanax on me at all times in case something gets through.

Those Mormons will tell you they're trying to convert you out of kindness because they want to see you go to Heaven but what their proselytizing is actually motivated by self interest. They think if they convert enough people they'll get to be a god with their own universe to command.

She seems to be kind of arrogant and you say she's not depressed. That's why she's not depressed. Arrogant people are never depressed. Arrogant people are also more successful in life.

I don't have all that much empathy but sometimes people think I do because I like to analyze both sides of every conflict. My two sides approach is motivated not by empathy but by logic.

Those Mormons will tell you they're trying to convert you out of kindness because they want to see you go to Heaven but what their proselytizing is actually motivated by self interest. They think if they convert enough people they'll get to be a god with their own universe to command.

She seems to be kind of arrogant and you say she's not depressed. That's why she's not depressed. Arrogant people are never depressed. Arrogant people are also more successful in life.

I don't have all that much empathy but sometimes people think I do because I like to analyze both sides of every conflict. My two sides approach is motivated not by empathy but by logic.

I think the issue is she's rather blunt while I'm usually polite. Sometimes the bluntness of her opinions borders on smugness. I don't know what it is but whenever I'm with someone I start feeling an internal pressure to be more like them. I don't know how to have my own persona and stand up against them. When I'm around someone I feel myself being sucked into becoming more like them.


I don't think I'm wired to be detached. It's like I crave this emotional closeness but somehow can't get it. I can't get close to people if they are even the slightest bit "off". I know I'm probably overreacting, but it's hard to control these gut feelings. I take atavan in extreme emergencies but I can't rely on benzos every day or they becomes ineffective and I start suffering withdrawal symptoms / anxiety spikes between doses.

I'm not saying I'm a big fan of door-to-door or street proselytizing. I think it's ineffective and off putting. I just want to believe in being nice to others, regardless. There's already enough rudeness in this world. I don't see the point in adding to it. The bottom line is people going door-to-door think they're saving souls. Also, the guy wasn't being overly rude or pushy. He would have responded respectfully to "no thanks". We aren't talking Westboro Baptists here. Maybe there's some selfish motivation, but there's selfish motivation in every single thing we do. Nobody would ever be kind if being kind didn't also feel good. I just don't see the point in being a smug a$$hole just because I'm "right". I'm tired of all the negativity. I think all the smugness and rudeness of our society contributes to pushing people over the edge. It leads to mentally ill people going on shooting rampages rather than seeking support. I'm tired of it.

Also, the fact that arrogant people are successful says something about our society. We are seriously f****d up.

Sweet Pea hugs