Lack of support from the autistic/Aspergers community

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I'm having a really hard time right now. I'm experiencing severe depression and I feel like I'm just about ready to give up. I also have a lot of medical issues and I'm going to get tests done to see what's going on. I graduated from a special ed high school four years ago, and I haven't started college or had a job yet because of these issues. I feel like my autism and my depression are ruining my life and getting in the way of achieving my goals.

But in the past I posted on here saying that I hate being autistic, and the responses weren't so supportive. Some were even judgemental. I thought my own community would understand, but I guess not.

But you don't know what it's like to try your hardest to express yourself, and end up screaming or throwing things or saying inappropriate things because you're so damn frustrated, and end up getting punished for it. That's what I had to go through in school. You don't know what it's like to feel like a bad person all the time. You don't know what it's like to have these painful memories flood your brain EVERY DAMN DAY. You don't know what it's like to lose a friend whom you thought you could trust, and they just run away from you the minute you share what's on your mind. Otherwise, you wouldn't be judging me or criticizing me.

I recently joined a Meetup group for autistic adults in my area, and a group for local disabled college students (although I'm not a student, someone invited me to join), but I'm feeling even MORE isolated because they're both anti-cure, and on my worst days, like today, I wish I wasn't autistic or depressed (well, I wish I didn't have depression at all).

I'm afraid that if I told these people about my situation, they might not like me anymore, and I might be dismissed from the groups. I have other friends, but all they like to talk about is stuff like My Little Pony, Pokemon and video games, and they spend so much time talking, I don't get my turn.

I'm feeling so isolated and lonely that I've thought about killing myself many times because I feel like no one understands what I'm going through. Right now, I wish I could just disappear.

Not everyone likes hugs, but here is a cyber hug (((( ))))

I'm sorry that people on WP have been judgmental and unsupportive -- I've noticed that there is more of that going on here than there is supportiveness. I've just been on another thread where a bunch of people just did a hang-drawn-and-quartered on some first-time member who joined just to ask for help with a situation.

Just to say, this isn't the cosiest place to be when you're feeling down, in my experience and observation. Please hang in there and don't do anything drastic. I relate to that feeling that nobody understands, even those you thought were your own kind. Please don't let that make you want to give up on life. Screw those people!

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Sorry to know you are feeling so bad. The bad response you got was from those individuals. There are many here who are supportive and sympathetic, I have found. Don't give up. Things can and do change in ways you can never imagine.

I didn't see the other thread but I am sorry that you felt that way. Just so you know, I am actually the most supportive person in the world, so feel free to talk to me. Autistic people seem to lack emphathy so some may not know hot to be supportive.

You're a unique individual so stop hating yourself for being autistic. I understand that it's difficult when friends desert you, but my approach is that it's their loss, not yours so just move on to the next life experience. Learn from the mistakes you make when you upset someone. What did I do wrong and how can I improve myself. If you don't love yourself why should anyone else love you?

I think depression, bad memories, and outbursts can all interact with each other in a very toxic way. Someone might be feeling awful and act out more as a result if their self-control still needs some improvement, and the resulting embarrassment just makes them even more hurt and angry inside. I used to be very lazy because I was depressed, and the lack of results from my laziness just made me even more depressed. Eventually I was able to gain some momentum, though, and after a few years I could be more forgiving of myself.

I kind of learned not to ask for support from the Internet a long time ago, though, and my one attempt on this forum just reinforced that. I try to only ask people I know I can rely on and who won?t make me feel even worse about myself or assume that I'm inept, helpless, wrong, etc.

This site is actually very supportive.

Ignore the idiots.