how to stop underachieving

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dear all,

I am 30 years old, have a Master's degree from a prestigous college in the UK (my BA was free in germany, and the tuition fees in the UK were moderate, as I got a bursary), and am also actually skilled in what I do (I do animation. I like drawing) But it's a) 'creative', i.e. generally low-paid and also more about social things than actual skills, and b) I have only a year or 2, at most, actual free-market experience, most of what I can show for myself is stuff I did at college.
During my MA away from home, I burned out, had a psychotic epsiode and developed major depressive disorder and intestinal issues, which are largely unresolved (and, quite possibly, psychosomatic). After graduating I worked on some high profile advertising in the UK, but my health went downhill even further. The stress of living and working in London took its toll.
Now I'm back home in Germany, and between doctor's visits, I took on an entry-level position for which I'm highly overqualified through my studies. My health is still bad, my next appointment with a gastroenterologist is next week, but I don't expect him to find anything this time either.

My old friends have moved on, they are having children and are working their careers, while I am in pain most of the time, depressed, lonely and under-challenged through my work.

I'm not sure what to do after this boring job ends. Should I go back to the place that burnt me out before (i.e. London), for the sake of work?
The very idea scares me. I hated London, and the horrible world of advertising. But I don't know where else to find a job that I'd enjoy (the work was challenging and fun, if one subtracts the fact that it was advertising. I'm not a friend of capitalism), whereas my social life is in ruins here anyway, so that doesn't tie me down. Or keep me from suicidal ideation.
I don't know how to go on, and feel overburdened with the decision, and the stomach pain.
I know that for quite a lot of people, this must seem a lot like a first-world-problem, and I guess it is.
Knowing that doesn't make me any less lonely or depressed, though.

It seems that the advertising world takes too much of a toll on you. Is there a field of work that you feel would be something you could happily do? Would it be possible to use your skills to promote causes you believe in? Or are these fields too competitive and impacted that maybe you'd be better off in a tangental career?

It sounds like you are suseptible to stress and may function better in a less competitive field. Would you be happier doing more conventional work and using your skills to do personal projects?

Working in a highly competitive field isn't for everyone (I prefer working in the background, doing good work but not having to deal with people)... You might do better making your living in a supportive position and saving your skills for personal work that may be important to you even if it doesn't pay the rent.

oh my, yes, I'm susceptible to stress.
just commuting to work makes me all nervous, and when I'm at my workplace, it takes me an hour or so calm down, before I can do anything.

you're commpletely right with the assumption that a less competitive field would be better suited I thought so as well. So this is what I am doing right now, storyboards for children's TV. Less competitive, but also far below what I can do.
And as always, when I'm not challenged, I can't even properly achieve a good quality boring result, because I can't put the effort in. It feels like there's no point in doing this in the first place.
The work itself feels pointless, not only the final product, which I'd have to ignore either way, be it advertising or children's tv.

advertisement and graphic design for good causes, btw., often is done by the finest agencies and studios, as these projects often provide more freedom for the creatives.
most people I met in this business would rather do greenpeace ads than monsanto. But it also seems to be completely understood that, when monsanto knocks, everyone still answers.

I, too, prefer to work in the background and have little contact with clients.
the work I did there and could do again would be interesting and enjoyable, it's much more the surroundings, the megalopolis living, the commute on crowded subway trains, the scary high cost of living and such that make it so unbearable. The noise.

Can you think of some goals to have which once accomplished would give you a sense of reward and that you've been challenged in positive ways? It sounds like your own body is holding onto the stress you experience, as if you've never really had any outlet. Are you meeting your sensory needs? (did not check to see if you had AS)

The type of meditation that requires one to remain still and direct gently the attention to the navel area would be beneficial to you, have a goal for 30 seconds for the first sitting, then 1 minute, and so on until you are comfortable with sitting still for 5 minutes total. If you wish to also do 10-12 deep breaths before doing this exercise it would help clear you for the meditation.

You have to meet your advanced needs, check out Hierarchy of Needs; you are on the Self-Actualization part of the journey and the needs of a person with an ASD are profound and very difficult to meet at this level. Requires in real life contact with other self-actualized ASD, which is in my experience, quite rare.

Sweet Pea hugs

I started doing yoga, iyengar for.. well. body awareness and such, and nidra, which is what you are describing. I also tried to go with the oxford awareness meditation thing, which I prefer to regular yoga, as it's stripped off the religion.

about Maslow's needs-hierarchy: I think I'm lacking the sex/frinedship and the stability of employment bit. which makes for a bit of a wonky shaped pyramid.
but, true, I have rarely met an aspie that was not sort of withdrawn into a niche and ... in hiding. However, some of them had managed to build up their pyramids at least up to the esteem stage, and seemed content, for now. In hindsight, I don't realyl understand why I chose to be an artist, and not an engineer.


Thanks. guessing from your name, I assume you are familiar with the horror that London living can pose.
My chinese former co-student and I made a film about it. http://vimeo.com/62301099
enjoy