Help me please!

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To the moderators and whichever users it may concern,
I feel very bad about myself. I just feel that I am a horrible person, even though at one level I have not done much harm. I just keep having these horrible, evil thoughts and emotions visit me at night, and I feel that I am two-faced and treacherous for at one time being able to be aroused by these images and words, and at another be capable of conducting a perfectly civilized and friendly converstion (we have common interest in subjects like history) with this young lady who is so wonderful, there is no way I would ever have deserved her, and I have found out anyway that she already has a boyfriend, making it even more wicked of me to continue fantasising about her. She does not know and it would be wrong to trouble her; I once made someone else feel very uncomfortable with the intensity of my emotions. At least since that time with the succeeding two infatuations, including the current one, I have been able to continue as a friend. But I do not know how much longer I can keep this up without it soon becoming obvious to her and the whole congregation that I am obsessed with her. And I shall continue to see her every Sunday barring either of us missing church for the forseeable future, unless I stop going to church or leave the area, neither of which I wish to do. I have been able to enjoy her company when I am in her presence; it is generally only when I am alone that my feelings darken, but I feel that I am starting to crack. Please help me, anyone who can!

Have hope that you are the only one who can change the way you feel about someone. Best Wishes.

sorry, but i have a similar situation to his, and it's not possible to change the way you feel about someone. feelings are not an easy thing to just wish away bc you want to or need to.

I Understand, but it is possible to change your reaction to your feelings. You do have that power. You can let it get to you or you can put it in a certain perspective so that you are not as miserable as you might be if you didn't. That's just my opinion.

Thank you both for your responses. I think you both have valid points. Certainly changing emotions is clearly very difficult, but I realise that my responses to the situation are not always as they should be. I feel rather better at the moment. I am hopeful that my friendship and respect for her will be stronger ultimately than some of my other feelings for her. That I can still enjoy her company as a friend is a good sign; but last night was very bad.

You already know my own situation, so know that to a degree, I do understand what you are experiencing. You cannot just stop these feelings, and even reacting to them differently can be difficult as such feelings are so intense and overwhelming, as all obsessive feelings are. I think the best way for others to understand is to liken it to telling them to stop engaging in their obsessive interests. This is the same, only it is a person. I sympathise, it is terrible, though I would say you have an advantage in that the object of your affections at least talks to you, lol. But maybe that makes it worse, as you will know her even better and know what you are missing, but be unable to further the situation. I am assuming you have a romantic interest in her?

i fancy quite a few of my friends. i am initially attracted to them which gives me a certain drive to befriend them. as a friend i know i would never do anything to hurt them on purpose (otherwise i would not be a good friend). and at any rate, i don't want to damage friendships because they don't come easily. i am a slightly obsessive type but eventually, sometimes i find that after a few years the fancying them element lessens or disappears.

i agree with others here that it is better that you admit these feelings to yourself and manage them best you can.

Yes. And in some ways it can be more frustrating knowing how wonderful it would be, though in other ways certainly being able to talk to her as a friend may make things somewhat easier. In a past experience at school I was infatuated with someone and unable to really talk very much with her. That lasted three years or so, finishing about seven years ago, and it moved from a quite childlike stage to being very dark and oppressive. I know that there is really no way that it would be right for me to try and woo the young lady I am currently enamoured of, but I seem to find it very difficult to stop thinking about her. I realise that in many ways your situation is much harder. Hopefully things will get better, at least tolerably so, for both of us - and for jnet and others in a similar position.