Awareness of Asp traits in hubby can be frustrating

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It would be great to hear how others deal with the frustration and isolation when in a relationship with someone who has Aspergers.

I read your other post and unfortunately I can't speak as the one living without AS. I can't say 100% that I am on the spectrum (disclaimer) so take what I say with that proverbial grain of salt everyone talks about.

My husband and I were talking about this the other night, how hard our marriage has been. And he said that maybe this is why he was so into videogames with the headsets and internet, playing the games with others that way, because he wasn't getting the social interaction that he needed from me. We had gotten married under less-than-optimal circumstances and all the change and loss and stress, I had gotten severe depression, enough to be hospitalized. I did not have the social skills to be able to "keep up" with him socially back then and go to all the places he wanted to go to and do. And he'd get upset that I would "shutdown" after being out for a while. I didn't notice I did that back then and he didn't understand it because it was disappointing to him. I still worry about "neglecting" him in some way so I ask him frequently if he feels neglected for any reason because now he understands that he absolutely has to tell me things and I realize that I also have to tell him what I need and not just expect him to know or think that he does. There are things that I have to be reminded of like that he wants to be touched lightly, like a feather. I forget this and have even avoided it because I simply cannot imagine how he could want that and I hate the way it feels myself, even though I know from him telling me that he likes it. He is much faster at getting these things and putting them into effect. It takes me longer.

I have some alexithymia, but not on the scale that some people here have. It's more in not being aware of my emotions or not recognizing them as such, in the moment. I can dissect them later on though and usually mostly in writing. I can also say, that when you don't have the skills, ability or natural knowledge of how to express your emotions or what to do with them in a way that is considered normal and acceptable or how to feel that emotional connection with another person, it is easier to shut them off or avoid them entirely. I am not saying your husband is doing this and am not saying it is a bad thing, but I just want to point out that it is a coping mechanism not necessarily meant to harm.

You mentioned something before about how his need for routine increased after the death of his mother. As you know, that gives every sign that he did care and I might venture to guess that the grief you are looking to see, may not show in the way you are expecting it to show til much later, if at all, after the initial change or shock has occurred and his mind can be "safe enough" to process the grief or change verbally or in a way that you can understand or feel. Everyone grieves differently. I don't think you should press him for the emotional expression you want to see. That will only produce guilt and regret for you and hurt and possibly resentment from him.

I imagine, from reading other posts by NT women married to AS men, that you feel you are asked to do too much without getting the affection that you need back from him. I am not saying you are wrong or bad for possibly feeling that way. From your previous post I thought you sounded pretty aware of what is going on and how your husband "works" and that you are trying to be considerate of what he is living with. But we all have limits. I don't know that you will get much that is useful to you from this site, as most here are not NT. I relate more to what your husband might be dealing with than I do for you, honestly, though I do need that reassurance you are looking for from your husband. I hope that doesn't sound belligerent. I am not offended by your post.

But anyway, there are things in my relationship that I have to deliberately and consciously take responsibility for just like anyone else, spectrum or not, because I don't think everyone else should have to live with every one of my problems. I don't know how long you have been married. I know for us it has taken eight years to get to this place where we can live together well, and finding this ASD thing and being able to use it to understand myself has made a big difference.

I hope I have said something of value here but I think the only very useful thing I might suggest is to say "thank you" when he does something you appreciated. That has helped us a lot and my husband has always been better than me at that. He told me once that I never say thank you or let him know he did something right, but since making the effort to do this, I actually have come to feel more affection for him, which made it easier to act on that affection because it made me want to be affectionate. It took a few years to become a sort of perpetual pattern. Another thing my husband has had to accept will never be is the eye contact issue. He wants me to "look into" his eyes and wants to "look into" my eyes. I worry that he is still hurt by that and is still missing something from that but have to avoid getting "down" on myself for it.

I suspect that most people here just don't know what to say to you and I don't really either. We also might get tired of hearing how hard it is to live with someone with AS and/or related problems. But remember that it is hard to be a person with AS trying to do what is right by those we care for. There is a lot of guilt and anxiety and an ever-threatening sense of failure for me. I can't speak for your husband in that though.

I wrote a small pamphlet. Hope it wasn't too rambling.

I am AS male married to NT female. In general I think its not a matter of living with it, but instead working on minimalizing it together, but frustration and Isolation have many different degrees. Giving more detail would help.

Hmm, not too many specifics, but I can give some very broad relationship advice based on if the two of you were exactly like myself (AS) and my wife (NT), but every situation and every person is different, so take from it what you will:

Do not assume that a lack of facial expressions means there are no emotions. It was very difficult for my wife to realize that I feel things as strongly (in some cases much more intensely), but have difficulty in interpreting and/or showing the emotion, not to mention verbalizing.

Do not assume he knows what you are thinking/feeling. Unless you say it with very specific words that leave no room for interpretation, he may have no clue. Using words like "I am sad" does not have any real meaning to me. You would need to say something more like "I have unpleasant feelings because my grandfather passed away and I know that I will never get to see him again." It may be difficult for you to adopt this manner of speech because it is probably like learning a completely new language.

Try to change your definition of romance. Pay attention to everything he does that affects you in any way. I do not understand the whole romance thing and find romance movies/TV discomforting and confusing. I do many tiny things for the benefit of my wife, and most of the time she does not notice them (which is fine - I actually prefer it that way as compliments and criticisms are both very difficult for me to handle). This is how my version of romance works.

Do not try to force him to make new friends or try social things. I personally must concentrate very hard to interact socially. It is draining both mentally and physically. It is okay for you to have a social life without him. In fact he may prefer it that way - it fills your social needs as well as his need to avoid draining amount of socialization. That isn't to say completely exclude him from your social life; just don't push too hard to include him (but at the same time, you should try try offer to include him as often as possible, but accept a "no" answer without taking it personally).

A lack of conversation should not be considered a sign of disinterest. There are whole days where my wife and I do not speak (which I think was the most difficult aspect for my wife to come to terms with). She has learned that just being near me is enough to strengthen our bond (from my perspective).

Do not take it personally. He is going to say and do things that seem callous, cold, and/or cruel. It is not intended to be that way. It is difficult to remember (or even recognize) the social/verbal taboos of NTs, and often results in saying what is being thought with no filtering of any kind. Many things that are said are the kind of things that NTs think, but never, ever say (especially the kind of instinctive thoughts that you don't really mean).

Realize that if something doesn't make sense to him, he will likely become angry/frustrated/agitated. If he is having a meltdown, there is a very good chance that he will bring up some past minor point that has been bothering him. He probably consciously supressed it at the time, but when I have a meltdown, everything that has been buried pops out. It is not meant to cause harm in any way; it is just a way for my brain to clear out a lot of "toxic mental junk" that has been building up.

If he stops talking, stops looking in your general direction, seems to shrivel up (crouching, retreating, etc) then something at that moment is causing him a severe amount of distress and/or panic. He may not have any facial expression at all in these instances, but the panic and fear and confusion are no less because of it. It may be best if you just back away and let him get through it, as more attention could just make it worse.

Stimming isn't reflecting my mood. It is something that just happens for me. It does seem to get worse when I am particularly stressed, but it is not a reaction to a specific event. There are times when I stim because I just do not know what to say next. I guess it is kind of like when NTs shrug their shoulders or say "Um" a lot when they don't know what to say.

He likely has an obsession of some kind (or more than one). Something which he almost irrationally pursues to an extreme, even at some personal expense. If you can, try to become interested in the same thing, possibly by letting him teach you (be very careful if you go that route - always let him be the teacher as it is too difficult to change roles quickly). And if he seems to abandon you (figuratively) for his special interest(s), remember that sometimes an AS mind can focus in on one thing and the whole rest of the world just kind of fades away. It isn't personal at all.

Do not assume that he has no empathy/sympathy. I have an extreme sense of empathy. It is somewhat limited to people I know, with an intensity increasing exponentially with the closeness to the person. It is difficult to feel strong empathy for someone I have never met/do not know well. It is also difficult to feel sympathy in certain situations, especially situations that are confusing, unrelatable, or are a direct result of that person's actions. That being said, when I "get it" from an empathy standpoint, it can knock me flat on my *ss, and take a while to recover from.

One thing that has helped in our marriage is relying more on written communication than verbal. We both have email addresses that used exclusively for "talking" to each other when we are apart, and we often IM or text when we are home together. It is much easier for me to write it than to say it. With written words I can constantly revise and refine what I have written to scrub out the miscommunications, and she can do likewise. This also has some problems, as it is was quite difficult for my wife to stop mentally inserting a "tone of voice" into the written words. It helps her to remember that I am an extremely literal person. This may not work for you, but it has helped us (once we both got used to it - it was something we almost abandoned at the start; it needed a lot of practice to figure out).

I will be completely honest with you, it will be probably be a long and bumpy road that never runs smoothly. There will be moments (or days) when you feel full of disgust, anger, and even hatred. You may not be able to change him very much. Over a very long period of time, he will probably begin to adapt and change to fit you better, but it will likely be so gradual that you may not even notice. Just realize that it will take a lot of work, and it takes a lot of patience and understanding to keep it going (which is true for any relationship). We've been together since 2002, and married since 2009. For the first 4-5 years, it seemed we were always on the verge of splitting up. My world was too different from her own, and hers made very little sense to me.