I don't think I've ever been happy...

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I cannot remember any time in my life that I felt actually happy and accepting of myself. Even as a little kid, my defense was that everyone else was a bunch of idiots and jerks, and I was the only one who was not. except when I thought about it of course it didn't make sense, logically if everyone including your teachers bully you then something is probably wrong with you. I was lucky to have one friend at any given time.

When I got older I started to feel horrible because I had a bad habit, I don't really want to go into detail, but it made me feel bad because it was against my religion, which I didn't even know for a very long time.

There is one time where I might say I felt pretty close to happy, which was when I was 16 and it didn't last long. The reason was because there was a girl who I thought liked me, but after being friends for a while it turned out she was just faking and used me. And to make it clear how I know she intentionally did this, everybody thought we were dating just from how she acted. But then when I asked her about it she basically said it didn't matter to her if I liked her, and she also told me nothing I thought mattered to her; somehow it was all a funny game to her. and then she acted like I was the bad friend when I got mad about this.

That, combined with having hardly any other friends and parents who were not at all understanding of my problems, and all the problems I had in the first place, made me feel like I was defective. I think that if I had the opportunity I very likely would have killed myself, and this lasted over 2 years, up until very recently when I started researching autism and started finding matches in my life with basically everything that was listed as a symptom. This was enough to make me no longer feel defective and I am not nearly as depressed, but I don't feel extremely happy or hopeful. I just feel kind of blank, or neutral. Is this really all I can feel?

Last edited by L_Holmes on 14 Sep 2014, 3:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Don't think I have either. I can relate to a lot of what you've said. Hope you can be happy some day.

Thanks, same to you.

I have not been happy for the last nineteen years.

Unless it's snorting cocaine off a dead hooker while engaging in necrophilia or involves hurting a sentient being against their will God shouldn't have a problem with it. Now if your preferred activity monopolizes your every waking thought then it could be considered a false idol. Barring these criteria, I would be very curious for someone to show me how your indulgence could be offensive to your creator or your brothers and sisters.

My point was that at the time, I saw it as something that was bad, and so I thought I was bad. In reality it wasn't really my fault at all. but I heard all this stuff in church about how bad this or that is, so don't do it, and it just made my problems worse.

Things just escalated over the years, I felt like I could never solve any of my problems or difficulties, and I just kept getting more, and nobody wanted to help me because it was all somehow my fault. When that girl I mentioned pretended to like me, I thought that I'd found a purpose for once; I thought she'd be understanding. In reality, she was extremely manipulative and selfish; she had no problem leading me on as long as it was enjoyable for her. But as soon as I stopped being fun, I was called all sorts of names and insults by her. and then she made me feel bad about getting angry at her, she'd say I hurt her feelings to manipulate the fact that I liked her so much at the time. But to be honest, looking back at everything I know about her, she doesn't seem to have real feelings at all, she fakes it. She actually told me that if a close loved one died, she could easily go on with life unaffected by it, but that she would just choose to act sad because that's what you should do. when I eventually called her out for her lies and manipulation, she got really mean and would call me names or make me look stupid in front of others, fully intending to make me feel even more worthless than she already knew I felt. She seemed to think it was funny, and that I deserved it for pointing out that she is a fake.