I kind of started crying in CVS

Post Reply New Topic

I say kind of because it's hard to like, have a good sob unless you are just full on hysterical.

It's like, you turn away from the magazines with Robin Williams on them and then you are looking at plastic grinning pumpkins, right across the aisle from the last remnants of insulated drink cups, cheap beach chairs, 5$ sun dresses. When I realized I should stop looking back and forth from the grinning pumpkins to Robin Williams, I happened upon the sparkling water display which was relatively low-key and managed to kind of gain my composure.

But what had set me off was Robin Williams. Only... not Robin Williams. What set me off, and I'm going to try to explain here, was so many of these things that hang out behind everything else in my head all the time.

I saw a picture of "older" Robin Williams next to his "younger" self. And he has really blue eyes... My best friend had a baby almost three months ago and I love him a lot. He has really blue eyes and I do too. That's probably never going to be me, with a baby. I've known this for a while- and it's not one thing. It's not any of the neuropsych stuff. There are a lot of physical health issues involved.

But there's that. There's that he was a "funny guy" and while I am no Robin Williams, I just have to use humour to deal with everything. With pain, heartache, sorrow, anger, angst, misery. Depression so deep and vast that I can't breathe- but I can make some sort of half-funny comment. Apparently.

There have been so many times that I talk to my best friend for over an hour and we talk about mundane stuff: "I need to get my hair cut" "I didn't sleep well last night"...but the reality might be that I had been struggling that whole week, but that day in particular with a whole lot of "life sucks" and needing to tell myself and really try to convince myself that even if only logically, killing myself probably isn't the way to go.

I'm typing this now and stuff really really hurts- my hands are hurting, but if I don't try to get it out... like I've been trying to for days and days, I don't know maybe I'll implode.

Robin Williams took his life on my birthday, and while I don't think that is any special sign or anything like that, it had an impact.

I am not sure I can even verbalize the impact it had.

I am generally a positive person. This is actually severely rejected in our society. So much so that I generally actually get less bullcrap thrown at me when I am depressed or pissy, then when I am productively positive. Considering I can't actually be on any antidepressants that are effective for my depression, and I'm bipolar, and winter is coming [again]? this is going to be fun.

I also have pretty bad OCD. I am on basically the minimum amount of medication I can be on for the OCD an be functional, because the meds tend to lower my seizure threshold.

I'm scared about winter coming, because I am scared of being cold all the time. My joints and most of my body is in pain to some degree and I am managing, somehow, to kind of maintain some sort of positive outlook [which is my predisposition, but still]. But that is sans anti-depressants, also sans blistering cold weather.

I am looking at RA and lupus right now, pretty likely. Also seizures which may or may not be controlled, and migraines which are unpredictable. The RA and lupus combine for a lot of fun stuff, and meds thus far are not effective.

Stuff really really really sucks.

I actually feel really alienated most of the time in most situations and just fake the hell out of it. It is exhausting when you can't understand what people are saying, you have to smile and nod and people EXPECT you to do this every time and if you have a problem it's you being a jerk.

I actually get perceived as a jerk a lot.
When you have like, no energy and personal resources though... you kind of can't mess around with giving what little you have to everyone else.

Which I've learned... but I've also learned that like, if you don't act a certain way, you are perceived as an A Hole. You can be kissing someones toes but if it is not while commenting on their toenail polish, you are rude.

I could go on and on. But I won't.

Ironically, this entire rant was prompted by the recurring feeling that I'm not actually supposed to say anything ever. Which is difficult when [like a lot of people on the spectrum, I think?] you have a really strong sense of "right/wrong; fair/unfair; kind/unkind, etc".

So then I get stuck in this thing where I don't think I'm supposed to say anything because it will upset people but then if i don't say anything it's not fair to OTHER people.

Then, no matter what, I'm an ass.

Anyone else want to make a long-winded rant about random crap going on in their life to the point that no one will be able to follow the train of thought?

have at it!

hugs

I'm right there with you about taking more social shrapnel for conveying optimism. Sooner or later, people in our lives will realize that seeing the good side of difficult situations is necessary to survive on earth - case in point, I only live 10 miles away, some day I really should buy the Mork & Mindy house!

I'm very pro rant, especially those that just kind of unfold in a marvelous binge of free association.

Sorry you had a bad time in CVS, and I hope you feel better now.

I don't really know, to be honest? That could be a product of having difficulty sleeping right now, but I've been trying to figure out if I feel better.

I no longer feel like I have to get everything out, but other than that nothing has really been solved. I really don't like answering the "do you feel better?" with "no, not really" either.

It feels like a big let down, haha. Maybe that's why I tend to tack on "haha" or write something kind of off topic or screwy- I don't want to be this draggy disappointing person who's bringing people down. But... that's kind of what I do. I'm not how to get around it if I have these ten tons of weight I'm carrying around all the time... except try to distract when I find the negative leaking out.

Then that leads people to believe everything is just fine, and it creates a big mess.

I just can't make it easy, can I?

These kinds of posts are meant to be mitigating more than anything. Indeed, life is a challenge. Pretending it's easy just adds another veneer of deception that complicates things. It's best to be honest with yourself.

I know exactly what you mean about having to fake it, and minimizing it. I've always felt like my problems are entirely my own, and that it's wrong to even let my problems show, let alone actually talk about them or ask for help. And then of course when I did try to get help, even with therapists, I would unintentionally minimize my own problems out of a feeling that I shouldn't be putting my responsibilities on other people. So then of course they wonder what my problem is and start telling me I just need to try harder, when they just simply don't understand the extent of my issues at all.

I always responded to the, "Have you made plans for suicide?" question with "no". In my mind, it was unfair to people who are in a worse situation, because I was pretty sure I wouldn't do it unless I got an easy opportunity, but I still really thought about it often, and actually did make plans; only logic really held me back from doing it.

Hardly anyone noticed something was wrong, but on the rare occasion they inquired if I was ok, at the most I'd say I was just having a bad day, and I'd shrug it off. A couple times at work, I actually went up to the roof to be alone because I felt like I was going to cry in front of people. I would also wear my beanie almost completely over my eyes to hide this. I would feel so horrible that often I'd actually feel physical pain shoot through my body, especially my hands for some reason.

The recent discovery that I am on the spectrum was enough to pull me out of that low spot I've been in for quite a while. But to be honest, I am not sure if I am really out, or if this is just a temporary high point, and as soon as the idea of it isn't new to me anymore I think all my problems might just come back. Nothing about me or much of my situation has actually changed since I found out, so I don't see why it couldn't happen.

I've been hanging around this forum for a little while now, but the OP here has finally prompted me to join up. I can very much identify with the issues you are facing, except I couldn't contemplate facing them all in one body! I have Aspergers (high functioning at that though and intentionally undiagnosed - I've a good job in the mental health field and formalising it would, disappointingly, effect my work prospects) and my wife has, amongst other things, a connective tissue disorder which is on a course to be formally diagnosed as Lupus it seems.
This combination brings all sorts of relationship issues etc. She won't be able to have kids and is incredibly sensitive to medication. I am, well, me. With all the angst and faking happiness that brings.
I fully respect that you are just about getting through everything and are brave enough to talk about things here. I'd offer advice if I could but the best I can do is sincerely agree that it sucks big time.
Have some hugs!