I must be cold....

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My Mom had to have an angiogram today. They found out that she doesn't have any blockages in her arteries but they did find that her her heart is hardening. When my sister told me this- I had to try hard to focus on exactly what was going on so I could ask appropriate questions (like when will she be out of the hospital, how's she feeling) but as soon as she hung up the phone with me, 2 things popped into my head.

1. I thought her heart is really turning to stone.
I know I'm supposed to love her and all, but I didn't have the best time growing up. I felt guilty at this thought- When I was a teen, I used to say that she had a heart made of stone.

2. I thought of biblical references in Exodus where Pharaoh's heart hardened when Moses was leading the Israelites out of Egypt. I wondered if God gave the Pharaoh coronary artery disease... like what my Mom has.

I must be such an awful daughter for these thoughts to pop into my head at a time like this. I've been accused of being cold before, and I can now see why people would say that about me.

There's nothing cold about reflecting on your relationship with your mom. It's horrible to deal with grief with someone you have such mixed feelings about. And feeling guilty about those feelings are natural too. You have a right to both.

When my Mom and Dad died, I don't think I shed a tear. When I lost my dog, i fell into a puddle. Might sound like I'm tough and hard and all that, but I'm not. I just relate differently. It doesn't make me a bad person.

Thanks KimJ and Postpaleo.