I. HAVE. HAD IT!

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I'm kind of having a meltdown as I type this, but the gist of it is this...the next person IRL (not on here at all, like I said, I like it here on WP) who criticizes me, puts me down, humiliates me or touches off my social anxiety is going to literally get punched scratched in the face, have a table or desk flipped in their direction/thrown at them, or see me punch holes in walls or otherwise destroy things. As far as I'm concerned at this point, it serves them all right - they know the consequences of p!ssing me off or making me emotional. I don't even care what kind of consequences I'd get - all that matters to me is teaching everyone in real life to just leave me the f-k alone. Besides, to practically everyone except to my dad, my aunt and maybe my mom, I may as well not exist or have anything to say....I used to include my therapist in my very abbreviated list of real-life people who give a sh!t about me, and I about them, but she left me, remember? All I want to do these days is just stay in bed with my laptop and stuffed animals. There's no point. I'm a complete failure at life, anyway....I know it, my therapist knew it (which is probably why she left), and my entire family knows it, too...they don't allude to it at all, but I know they know.

On the suicide planning front, these days I sort of do this thing where I take two fingers and stick them against my right temple, under my chin, or into my mouth, angling them against the roof of my mouth where I'd aim a gun to blow my stupid worthless head off, if I was going to at all. It's sort of become a comfort thing to me....knowing that I'd be able to do it reasonably well if I just couldn't take it anymore, or screwed things up so badly for people that it really would be the best thing for me to do. I know it would make literally dozens of people in my real life deliriously happy, but I'm not ready to give them the satisfaction - not yet.

Also, I don't understand why women IRL are always so MEAN MEAN MEAN to me....like, my stepmother with her criticism and fat-shaming, my therapist moving away from me, my former roommate gossiping about me on her FB page, and my aunt not returning my calls....I'm always really nice to them - honest to G-d, I am - but for what?

Anyway, yeah....now that I've typed all this, I feel somewhat better....starting to calm down. I'm probably going to regret having posted this in the morning, but I just needed to get this out. Feel free to ignore this.

I need a hot chocolate drink now.
Glad you feel better for the rant

The mighty chicken senses hostility. -Garfield the Cat

When I was a teen I used to get out the loaded 9mm Beretta pistol my dad kept in his workshop and put it in my mouth. I never could get myself to pull the trigger though. Now, I'm glad I didn't, because with some really bad s**t going down in the world, I'd rather face it as a 40 year old in the US than a 10 year old kid in some third world s**thole, having been reborn because I gave up too soon. If you kill yourself now, you never know what will happen after. Maybe you'll go to hell and burn for eternity, or come back as a cockroach in Guatemala or something. Most religions agree that suicide is bad. Also, how are you so sure that everybody will be happy? Usually they're not, they suddenly realize what dicks they were to you and now they can't fix it because you're dead. So they spend the rest of their lives sad because they drove you to suicide and they didn't realize what was going on until it was too late. Don't shoot yourself under your chin, all you'll do is blow your chin off and then you'll have to drink formula through a straw the rest of your life, like that guy in Nevada who tried to kill himself like that years ago. (He then sued the heavy metal rock band he was listening to when he did it, saying their music "hypnotized" him, and he wanted them to pay for his medical bills. He lost.) 22 is too young to decide that you're a failure at life, at that age you don't have perspective and can't put the pain you're feeling into the proper framework.

i'm sure your therapist moved because of personal reasons (maybe to be near a sick mom or her fiance who got transferred) nothing to do with you. it's time to get a new therapist. i'm a social worker who's thinking about leaving the field for a better paying job. i care about my clients, but want my husband to be able to retire when he's 65, too. i would be distraught if any of them took my leaving personally. i am a bit surprised your therapist didn't see that you were set up with someone new before she left.