Ready to commit suicide.

Post Reply New Topic

Have a go at me if you want for posting again.

I cannot control myself despite trying techniques so hard.

I attacked my support worker today. I hit him repeatedly. He had to hold his bag in front of him to stop me.

He dealt with it well and said he's had worse before. He said no hard feelings and that he understood how distressed I was. He defused the situation well. However I did go nonverbal for a while afterwards.

It was in public. I was lucky not to get police attention.

Ever since I got home and my support worker left (he stayed for a bit to calm me down enough not to hurt myself again), I've been having fits of crying and screaming. I now feel so depressed that I'm suicidal.

I keep playing back what I did in my head over and over again and it upsets me. My support worker was very tolerant but I still feel guilt and self-hatred.

I keep trying different techniques and methods but I'm a danger to myself and others.

I am fed up. I am done with life. I'm not killing myself now but I'm bloody well close to it.

Your support worker will only feel upset and blame himself if you should go on with this horrible plan. contact suicide hotline in your area immediately. they can help. they have experience and have dealt with worse situations.

i learned to control my rage attacks by punching punching bags, building my rage, and then stopping when the instructor said stop. give it a try, but has to be much more than just one time. it takes practice.

talk to a psychiatrist. sit in a safe place, with someone responsible around, and try to feel how you feel when you're self harming, build it up, and then force yourself to think about being on the beach or someplace peaceful and beautiful. make yourself more calm with every breath you take. you CAN learn to be in control of your emotions. i work on it now every day, and it's working! although slowly and takes much work and effort, but i feel so much clamer and better. try it.

just dont do the last one alone without supervision. you can be in control of your emotions if you want to be. when feeling depressed, angry, afraid, force yourself to concentrate on trees and bushes around you and their beauty and make yourself relax more and more. i do this when my general anxiety gets the best of me, and i swear it's starting to work. just dont expect miracles overnight.

talk to a family member or friend about your problems. surely you have someone in your life, a parent, sibling, friend, lover, someone. if there's no one else, talk to your support worker or the preacher in your community. you'll feel this much better after talking to someone.

this is just a bump in the road, and the road can be beautiful and full of possibilities. dont do something irreversible and will ruin your family's lives. go spend time with your family.

I would miss you should you "go away."

You have lots of knowledge in your head. Some day, things will come together for you.

I'm rooting for you.

I agree with the above two posters. Get help immediately. Do something, anything. Just don't kill yourself! You are worth too much for that. And everyone on WP cares about you.

You need to be safe in a safe place with safe support and safe people even if this means staying in bed for a week. Stay safe and phone for help, use helplines as a first step, do it, please. We care. Stay safe.

What kind of steps have you taken to deal with your rage? CBT is probably a waste of time for this, but maybe one if the new drugs like Serequel or whatever.
Don't be angry with yourself, just take steps forward and keep learning.
What was it that put you over the top with your worker?

I am sorry to read your story. Dont quit on us (and life..)

I'm all for the positive warm and fuzzy feeling stuff, but from my experience what might help the most is meds. If you are in that extreme of a state, you need to seek help immediately.

Quoting a video game character:
"Hope is what makes us strong. It is why we are here. It is what we fight with when all else is lost..."
Don't do kill yourself, be strong.
You have been before, so just hang on to whatever you think that could motivate you even if it's something that's very far from your reality at this moment.
Call someone (like your parents), go for a walk on a park if you can, but don't stay alone if those thoughts starts to become impossible to contain.

What caused you to get angry?
I never attack others, only myself. I have certainly attacked myself in public before though.
Suicide is not the answer, but continuing to explore ways to channel your anger in a healthier way is. Could you get into some sort of boxing training or get a proper punchbag in somewhere ?

I have contemplated suicide off and on for years. I was just thinking about it today, but of course I'd never act on it. To me it's just a fantasy.

Just know there are others in the same boat as you. Feeling just like you are feeling right now. You are not alone or anything. I'm miserable too and dealing with a mountains worth of insurmountable s**t. I wish you the best.

You can PM me if you want to talk further. As someone who is familiar with feeling the same way and has been admitted to psych wards many times for suicial ideation I understand very well.

Thank you everyone. It means a lot to me.

It's 22:50 here in London so can't go out. I'm tired from meds and crying / screaming at home.

I may try to sleep soon. Tomorrow is a new day.

I will try hard not to lose hope.

I just want to be happy.

Sleep now. Glad you are safe. Stay safe. Stay in touch.

"A king in ancient times asked his wisest advisor to give him wisdom that would see him through the best and worst of times and all other times. The advisor presented the king with a ring, engraved with : "this too will pass".

Thank you. Good phrase.

I will update tomorrow morning.

Hey, I know you have gone to bed already, but I wanted to say that I look forward to reading your posts, SteelMaiden. We all have repetitive problems and that is what life is like and anyway, I haven't noticed any "repeat" postings. The conditions you have are ongoing and you will be always trying to cope with them. Post away on here; don't worry about what anyone might think about it. You have a lot to contribute here.

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with these feelings. I think you are a very interesting person and you have a lot to offer people at WrongPlanet and in the world. It would be a shame to take that away from everyone. I always look forward to reading your posts. You have such a great insight into autism.

Try to listen to your support worker. Forgive yourself. We all do rash things when we're upset and overloaded. I've done things I'm not proud of but I was usually very distressed at these times and I can't really blame myself for how I reacted. I think of how another person would react when placed in a similar situation with similar challenges and I don't think most people would do any better than I did in those situations or you did in this situation. It's so much easier to feel empathy for others and sometimes we have so little for ourselves.

These are just feelings. They aren't facts. They aren't permanent and unchanging. They can and will pass.

You should talk to someone if you are still very distressed. Call the Samaritans if you can't ring anyone you know. They will at least listen to you if you can speak. You can email them now too if you can't speak.

http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us