Well, I got the wake-up call.

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Looking at my posting history and my texts the last couple of days, I realize that I truly become a pathetic man when I drink alcohol.

Hey, no need for me to sugarcoat the wording. I was not myself at all the last couple of days at all, yet I have only my choices to blame for that behavior of mine.

I have rebuilt bridges with my sponsor and people in the 12-step groups. I cannot take this addiction on by myself. And alcohol truly is a vicious addiction for me. I think about drinking all the f*****g time. Even though it never does me any good.

I cannot have even a single drop of liquor. One drop is too much, one gallon is not enough.

I apologize for my shameful display of self-pity over the last couple of days.

I hope you never drink another drop.

Good to hear you're not seeking oblivion in a bottle, now. Best of luck to you!

I don't feel any need for an apology of any kind. I've had a similar relationship with alcohol in past. Bottling up all sorts of powerful feelings inside myself - then the dam bursting as the alcohol dissolved the mask I was wearing. It's good that it hasn't stopped you posting.

If there's one thing I'd advise you to do, it is this. Hold on to those posts that you feel were embarrassing - the fact that is was alcohol that brought those thoughts to the surface, doesn't mean that they aren't valid emotions. Understanding them will help you to find out what drives the addiction - know your enemy!

And acknowledging that life is a load of old [expletive] sometimes, and asking for a bit of support, isn't the same thing as self-pity. Tackle one monster at a time! I think I know just the place...

KM, you're okay with me. You've admitted your addiction, realized that you need help with it, sought that help, and apologized for your behavior.

I'll be praying for your recovery.

This. KL, it seems from reading your rants over the last couple days that you bottle up your feelings for a while, then take just one drink, and suddenly you're guzzling liquor and thinking about suicide. It seems that one thing sets you off, and then you drink. That b***h who told you that you couldn't go to college, she isn't worth the gum on the bottom of your shoe, and yet she set you off and away you went to whiskey. You have issues that nobody on an anonymous internet forum can help you with. You need lots of professional help. You already have a therapist. Talk to her about this, don't hold anything back. Ask her what kind of help she recommends.

Yeah, I plan on seeing my therapist in a couple of days. I also plan on seeing him more often for the time being. I was seeing him every other week, but it looks like I will be tightening my financial belt and seeing him weekly. Looking forward to a Top Ramen diet for a while.

But I do need a lot of professional help with my issues, you are correct. From my addictions to alcohol and porn, to my general self-loathing, to my tendency to bottle everything up before overreacting to the tiniest of triggers..... Yeah, all of this needs to be dealt with before I seriously harm myself during a binge drinking session.

I may ask my biological father to help out with the therapy costs..... Not looking forward to that conversation at all. I really do not enjoy swallowing my pride in a scenario like that. He will help if I ask, but I still do not like asking.

Tonight, I will start journaling again. I tend to be somewhat less stable when I neglect that.

And tomorrow, I go back to my PT job, I am going to have to clean myself up, shave, do all that other lovely stuff that I neglect when I am drinking..... I will probably do all of that before I go to bed tonight.

And, before I show up for my shift, I will attend a 6AM AA meeting.

It seems like you put yourself down a lot. You don't have to view this as a character flaw. You can simply view it as a self-destructive behavior that you would like to work on changing.

AA might work wonders for professional con-artists, abusers and parthological liars. and pathological liars. But it doesn't work as well in my opinion for those with low self-esteem. I've gained a bit of sobriety and the way I did it was by rejecting AA dogma.

You need support. That part I agree with. And if the only place you are getting adequate support in is AA it might be your only option. I'd look into other things though.

I attend AA to hear the horror stories and the inspirational stories. Since I have rejected the powerlessness concept though I have improved.

Hi KagamineLen,

I wish you the best in giving up alcohol and overall improving your life.

As for alcohol and me, I have a physical reason to give it up ...
as I've gotten older, I've gotten a skin condition ...
so if I even have one drink at dinner,
I'm likely to break out in a rash that shows up on my face.

The social pressure is definitely hard,
and you know why I think that is?
It's because the people pressuring you
might have their own drinking habit
and maybe they feel guilty
to see you being strong enough to say "No."

Really, it's nobody's business whether or not
I choose to drink water,
or simple, non-alcoholic iced tea.
With no sugar, please.
Because sugar makes me break out in a rash, too.

Anyways, KagamineLen,
good for you for being courageous
and improving yourself!

...

Martin Gore of Depeche Mode wrote this song when overcame his own addiction of alcohol: