More Veresae Meltdowns...

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This was a blog entry I wrote a week ago. A follow up will be in a reply.


I'm no longer seeing my occupational therapist. She is appologetic but simply has nothing more to offer. The loufa isn't helping, and apparently it might take years of daily brushing my body with it before I'll feel any difference. I'll continue doing it, but for the most part it seems that I'll have to live with sensory defensiveness my whole life.

...f**k. Fuckity f**k f**k f*****g fuckness of fuckbags working at Starfuckers In-fucking-corporated. My life's a f*****g clusterf**k.

I'll continue being itchy every second, with the worm of itchiness crawling underneath my skin and squirming from one patch to the next anytime I scratch. I'll continue being a picky as hell eater. I'll continue having my temperature constantly in an irritated flux. I'll continue being unable to bear physical pain, or woofers, or the smells of perfume or Mexican food or really half the s**t anybody eats these days, and I'll continue feeling like I'm suffocating inside my own f*****g body.

And meanwhile, my doctor's trying to put me on MORE meds to get rid of the phlegm in my throat and the nausea that pops up anytime I eat anything, and it's not helpiiiiing, not even in conjunction with everything else. I'm now taking two pills for headaches that continue to show up, two pills for the phlegm, and a nasal spray that I fire up into each nostril every morning and night. That's five drugs. No obvious side-effects, which is odd for me because I almost always have really awful side effects, but none of them are particularly helpful right now either. And anyway, am I supposed to just continue taking these sh***y, unhelpful drugs forever?

I'm sitting here pushing against the nails of my left hand with the nails of my right hand and watching at how they turn white, like how my skin turns white if I push on it. The blood's pushed away.

You know, I...I really don't know what this entry is going to be about. I'm just...having a tough time. About everything. Food is a b***h...I'm sick of eating the same f*****g s**t over and over again every day but it's all I can f*****g tollerate putting in my mouth! I don't even enjoy it unless it's chocolate or something, and even then it's not great. I just wish I didn't have to eat anything. I mean, I have an appetite. I get hungry. And I get grumpy if I don't eat anything. But when actually confronted with food it's not appealing, it's just not appealing. It always leaves me with such a sh***y aftertaste that won't go away and I'm always thirsty and water doesn't help, and I'm sick of coughing up f*****g phlegm from my throat and I'm sick of taking meds that don't f*****g help, and why the hell can't anyone help me with this and why can't they help me become a less picky eater why can't I have my taste buds reprogrammed so they will be more flexible and why do I have to be so f*****g sensitive?

Sensitivity. f**k. Back in the day that was what the stereotypical woman was attracted to. Then again, being romantic was also considered attractive. Nowadays it's all about confidence. So basically, I came a generation late because the sensitive romantic guy--the feminine guy--isn't attractive to most people anymore. Niiiice. Then again I don't give a s**t about most people anyway, as I've always been more into the more aberrant sorts, and hell in the end it wouldn't have mattered, because I still would have crushed on the same girls and they still would all have been taken or uninterested in people like me regardless of whether or not sensitive, romantic sorts were attractive. And even then, it doesn't matter, because even if I did like a girl who liked me back, she'd probably be too f*****g BUSY to date me, because EVERYONE IS ALWAYS SO f*****g BUSY. God f*****g damn it. And this is made even more difficult right now because I don't live on campus and it takes me two hours to GET there, and I'm SUCH A PICKY EATER THAT I HAVE TO BE HOME BY DINNER TIME BECAUSE IT'S ONE OF THE ONLY PLACES THAT HAS FOOD I'LL EAT. College is when you're supposed to meet people, but I don't know how I can when the people I meet are busy and transportation and biological necessities demand that I always go home, where I'll rot and be depressed, because I don't want to live here. I don't want to live here! It's uncomfortable, my parents bother me, I...god damn it. I just...I really, really am going to have to write that best-seller. Because it's the only way I could live. My everyday life is so bad as it is that I couldn't handle a boring-ass normal job, it'd drive me insane. Except these days I can't write at all unless it's for school because school is draining all the energy out of me, because I spend so much time studying and doing tedious work that isn't particularly intellectually stimulating but merely takes a long f*****g time to do, in part because it's so boring and I have trouble focusing on it because of that, especially with so much sensory integration problems assaulting me every f*****g second of my f*****g life.

I have so much time on my hands. I really do. But I have nothing to do during it. I can't even write because my mental health is so bad these days. It's not that I'm not inspired or passionate about the material. I have thousands of images in my head, ready to be put on the page. But when I try to describe them the words don't come right now, because I just feel so horrible all the time that I can't get them to come...not even for sad scenes. Hell, the book is full of sad scenes, and I can't even do those! I'm not going to be able to have a book on store shelves by the time I finish college, who was I kidding? It'll take my years to write either of my projects and it'll take even longer to publish them because the publishing world makes so little f*****g sense to me because it requires so much BS social interaction. That's one of the reasons why I decided to do books instead of movies, because I didn't want to deal with all the BS, but getting your book out there has as much BS as Hollywood probably does. At least now I don't have to fight dumbfuck studios for freedom of speech or a budget big enough for decent renditions of all the effects anything I'd want to do would require.

I want to control my head better. I can control my body but not my brain.

And I just picked off another zit. I don't know why I do it. I certainly don't like the result. I have enough red bumps on my face and neck and chest to look like I have a skin disease or something. I think I could have looked really attractive but don't because of what I've done to myself. When I was younger I was all like, "I don't give a s**t now and I never will," and everybody told me I would and I didn't listen, except now I do give a s**t and I still pick at my scabs and pimples and scabs from pimples and I don't know why I do it, but I can't stop myself. When I tell my hand to stop then it feels pissed off. I know that doesn't make much sense but that's the only way I can describe it. And I know some people don't care and find me attrative anyway and that's all well and good but I think there are fewer people than there would have been. Not that it matters because of how few girls attract me in the bay area. There are practically no goth girls around! Not even cliche stereotypical fat, bisexual, wicca, Nightmare-Before-Christmas-loving, Cradle-of-Filth-listening goth girls. I don't limit myself, and I won't stop myself from liking anyone unless I know they don't like me like that and never will (and of course by the time I find this out for sure then it's usually at the point where getting over them is f*****g hard to do), but if there's one look I think is totally hot, it's the gothic look, and since so few girls have it I have to base most of whether or not I like someone on their personality, which is again affected by the goth thing because I'd like my girlfriend to like at least some of the same music as I. Typically, if I can't relate to someone I don't want to date them. Man, I'm gonna grow up in that stupid f*****g aspie stereotype of a 40-year old who's never been out on a date, never been kissed...I don't want that to happen. I know a relationship wouldn't solve all my problems, but it'd make me less lonely. One of the reasons why I'm so depressed is because of a lack of real human connection in the real world. Most of the people I can connect with I've never actually met, they're limited to the online world, and as for the people I can connect with in the real world? They're busy or gone or both and I can't exactly have regular conversations with them, or even conversations that are longer than a few minutes.

I hate this s**t. I hate my life. I don't have anything to hold on to except movies, and even there I can't hold on to because most of the movies I'm interested in these days happen to be violent, even though I don't LIKE violence, and the worst part is that I have to hear my parents b***h about it anytime I rent a movie with violence, though the truth of the matter is that most of the movies coming out these days are violent, and those that aren't are sh***y cookie-cutter romantic comedies or unthrilling thrillers or unfunny kiddie CGI atrocities filled with fart jokes and overly-excitable characters. Maybe I should have seen "300" last weekend after all. Maybe I should see it this weekend. It may be violent as hell but it's the only movie that looks the least bit interesting, and there isn't anything else coming out in theaters that I wanna see until "Hot Fuzz" in late April, and that's violent as s**t too. Except that if I see "300" I'll have to drag my dad along and he won't like that because he's sick of violent movies, but I have no other way of being transported over to a movie theater. Part of me wishes I could drive but I know I'd be a totally horrible driver. I don't know if I could trust myself behind the wheel. I'm so bad with spatial stuff and the fact that I have to stop and scratch myself every 5 seconds no matter what I'm doing means that I could get into an accident really easily. What the f**k am I going to do with my life?

And finally, a poem. Don't take this literally. I don't literally want these things. It's about the emotion of the poem.

Whatchoo wanna do today?
I wanna buy s**t. Even if it breaks.
I wanna eat maggots and cream.
I wanna moap.
I wanna mosh to Ukranian Hip-Hop.
I wanna say the word "clusterf**k" another twelve times.
I wanna sock you in the mouth.
I wanna sock me in the mouth.
I wanna watch low-budget Yaoi and eat popcorn topped with ketchup.
I wanna stub my toe until it bleeds.
I wanna paint my skin polkadot.
I wanna smother myself with a blanket drenched in nauxious fumes.
I wanna tell myself that my life sucks over and over and over again and hope that someone else gives me sympathy.
I wanna scream. I WANNA SCREAM. LIFE HURTS SO MUCH THAT I WANT TO SCREAM AND YELL AND CRY TO TAKE AWAY ALL THIS HORROR!
I wanna surround myself with music of sorrow and sadness, just to feel understanding for one brief moment.
I wanna masturbate 'till I can't cum anymore.
I wanna tell you that everything is ok. Everything is fine.
I wanna save the world.
I wanna destroy the world.
I wanna take over the world and say I saved it.
I wanna listen to tweetering birds and the gentle rippling of displaced water.
I wanna get drunk and high and laid and betrayed and hurt and laughed at all in the same night.
I wanna sit here and sing to myself, as badly as I can.
I wanna find the truest of love, even if it breaks my heart.
I wanna stop wanning things.

I'm so sorry, I didn't know it was that bad.

Heh. Good rant. I wish I could work one up like that.

Wow, that gets 10/10 on the rant scale, even I have never managed to pull one off that impressive... I pick zits too, and anything else pickable. Hell, I have no eyebrows because I pull them all out. I hope things improve for you soon, especially the food issues. Not sure what is causing all your medical related issues, as you don't seem to say.

itching and itching and scratching and itching until the skin is coming off replaced by scabs I pick and pick and scratch and itch and it seems it will never end....perhaps we are molting?I have no answers but I share your itching and your frustration....I am also addicted to cough drops because the flimm in my throat tastes so bad I have to have something to constantly cover up the taste...how can the back of the throat have taste buds?but it does and I can not stand the taste,so I eat about a 1000 calories in lemon/honey/eucalyptus cough drops a day....quit an odd addiction,AA wont touch it.


Girlfriends,college,etc...been there,it doesnt get better,just gets different.Keep writing,try not to project to much about the future publicity issues....we are capable of more then we realize when our backs are against the wall.I survived things worse then even my morbid imagination could come up with.The only thing life has taught me is that...."this to shall pass" and more likely then not,be replaced by something just as bad.

Do not drink any milk products....creates flimm,may even be a sign of alergy.Try benadryl before bed for the itching,though Pregnason was the only thing that helped me,the side effects are almost as bad as the itching.

Heh... I got me a part-goth part-emo look. And most of the time the personality fot the part.

Man, I'm hypersensitive, but nowhere near that bad. O.o

Just know that people are here for you even if it's only online.


But amazing rant. You got talent for geting emotion down. Why are you saying you're a bad writer???

Funny. When the goth look got really popular (in the 90s - opening myself up for a joke here), I gave it up. As soon as I started seeing less of them, I resumed. It's kind of funny, but my style of dress is often a few years before it gets popular. Same with certain speech patterns.

I went through a recent Goth phase... in that I wore mostly black and purple, but more the long, flowing style in velvets and with laces up the front etc...almost medieval actually, in style. I love that sort of thing, but I sure got a lot of looks wearing it around the local supermarket.

I have a girl in the class that I teach who often comes in in garb. I can definitely understand - I'm just too tired now to get dressed too carefully.

Thanks for the support, guys.

This is what worked for me, I don't mean to be telling you what to do, really! in spite of what it looks like, i just hope this might help

phlegm - ask doc for spray re post nasal drip, also get lacto capsules so milk won't bother you

stomach and/or acid - yogurt (acidopholus) capsules

itchy -
(1) 3-6-9 omega oil capsules
(2) humidifier or hang damp laundry all over the place
(3) ask doc for desonide creme (also good for keeping hands off zits)

loofah - of course it doesn't work! that woman's a twit. there's a special kind of brush, i didn't look into that, only saw that it's not a loofah and it's not any old brush. something about special bristles. buy one on ebay?

benadryl at night, ooh ya, i wouldn't survive without it. it's not prescription and they say it's safe to take.

you must be sleep-deprived as well.

oh - dust. i didn't think it was a problem. it is. need an air purifier and anti-allergy cover for pillow and for mattress. also vacuum mattress.

i hope it's worth a try?

i must say that i haver often been blown away by how ur posts often seem to ring true with me and this one Particularly. i have had the food problems all my life well the not being able to eat almost every thing and that empty fealing that means u were talking about with milk. and the insane constant itching. i also use to have massive headaches every morning that just did not respond to drugs. 2 years ago i went on a gluten and milk free diet, it is not ezey it is not cheap and i felt hollow fore weeks crying in the supermarket ect. i still have problems forcing my self to eat cos i dont want to, but my food 'issues' have got much better there still stuff that makes me sick just thinking about the texture, but i eat fruit now thats a big step for me. it got rid of the morning headaches and significantly reduced my itching as well. the reason i say this is your comments about how much milk u drink that need can be caused bu an allergy and milk was the thing that was causing my headaches. Other things that giving up milk and gluten really helped me with was my writing, my spelling, grammar and punctation have taken leaps and bounds compared to what they were and i was not trying to improve them they just started getting better. i still pick but last few years i can pull my self away if i need to insed if standing there picking and crying beacuse i was really trying to stop my self.