My Grandmother is Dead

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My dad called me to say that my grandma died last night. It's hard to believe that she's dead, though maybe I should've expected it...he'd told me earlier that she was in a bad condition in the hospital. Grandma wasn't happy in her last years. She struggled with anxiety, depression, and dementia. She spent her last months in a nursing home, grandpa wouldn't have let that happen but he died years ago.

I've felt a constant, strange form of sadness ever since I heard about her death. I don't think I've fully accepted that she's really gone and I can't call her, visit her, and talk with her anymore. I also feel guilty. I didn't call her as often as I should have. She's my grandma and I haven't really cried yet. Do those things make me a horrible person?

My sadness will fade over time and I'll be alright. I'm worried about my dad and uncle, she was their mother and it's hard for them to cope with misery. They both struggle with alcoholism, which threatened my uncle's life after my grandpa and great aunt died. He went to rehab and has gotten better but I wonder how he'll cope with grandma's death...do you think my dad and uncle will be ok? How could I help them?

Sorry for your loss.

The best way to help your family through the loss is to "be there" for them. Listen to them when they start talking about your grandmother, offer some of your own impressions of her.

Talking about a departed person is often great therapy for those who are grieving.

Those things don't make you a bad person. I wondered these things too when my grandmother died last year. I did cry but it's okay if you don't. Crying is simply an expression and i don't think you should use it as a way to measure your grief. I know other people tend to measure another's grief by the person's expression. There is no need to hold yourself to that burden. Crying isn't an indication of the value of your grief and sometimes the full measure of grieving is spread out over a long time period. And it takes a while for you to get used to the idea that she is gone. There is no right way to grieve. Just let it happen as it will. I believe I posted about my own insecurities about my grieving about my own grandmother late last year in the Haven sub forum. Got good replies there too.

I agree with Kraftie.

No, you're not a horrible person for not crying. Sometimes, it takes awhile to process the loss before the tears will come. They will eventually, when you're reminiscing about her -- or at the memorial. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Hi Taylor,

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm going through a similar thing now. My grandmother has been given a few days to live, so I'm waiting for that call once she goes. It is complicated, since I never liked her, but she essentially ran our family. They all complain about her since she belittles everyone and wants to control everything, but in the end they make excuses for her behavior. I'm the odd one out because I try to be open about our family issues and have more quality. Now I worry that, with her gone, there will be kind of a power vacuum, and efforts to make me more "normal" will continue. It is unfortunate that family is often so complicated.

I also don't think I'd cry, even aside from my dislike for her. I rarely cry, but will feel on the verge of tears. I call that crying, because for me it's the closest I get. Even if you don't cry, it's your thoughts that count. Obviously you care enough to express yourself here. Good luck with everything.

I'm sorry for the late response...I'm thankful for your sympathy, HighLlama. Lately I've been feeling sad and angry over my grandmother's death.

I didn't know when she would die, and it must be very upsetting to know that your grandmother will pass away soon. It's ok if you don't cry. I can tell that you really care about her.

I hope that your family doesn't try to change who you are...I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of this.