Meh

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*Sigh*

It never seems to stop, this doom and gloom. I'm sick of my mental health being screwed up for the last few years. I just get trapped in this big ball of crap and negativity that seemingly prevents me from doing things that seem so basic like exercising, leaving the damn house, stopping procrastination...the list goes on.

I'm not going to cut myself because I don't do that any more, I just can't stand how awful this feeling of helplessness becomes, it's quite disabling. Everything kicks off, will I manage time well, will I pass my uni exams in May, will I get these bloody assignments done, will I score on a par with classmates, what will I do for the summer blah blah blah. I think uni pretty much knocks the crap out of me quite a bit, particularly in the social context.

Assignments are the main killer at the moment, I know I will probably get them done and on time because I've managed them all year but I just unmotivated so easily. That said, I did more work this weekend than I normally do at weekends.

Things just suck and here I am at 12:45am spouting about it when I should be asleep.

Hang in there. I think life gets a lot easier after school, at least it was for me. I was able to fall into a job I don't mind and don't have to constantly be tested and evaluated and the social pressure is much less. Not to say it's all wine and roses...but it definitely got easier for me.

You sound a hell of a lot like me. I put everything off
(not intentionally - I constantly am punishing myself).
It does get better, but if you find something good, make
sure to hold onto with all of your soul.

Well things were pretty good yesterday and up until this afternoon but I'm crashing again this evening. College/uni is the trigger for this. I'm supposed to be trying to deal with my negative thinking but it's hard. There is a massive social event in my uni and I'm terrified of going, all of my class will probably go but god dammit I'm scared, going to the pub is hard enough at the best of times. I'm going to be in uni for a while, that's the plan.

When I get like this I don't 'allow' myself to do certain things, I avoid swimming, cinema, fun because I feel trapped and don't think there's enough time even though logically I bloody well know there is. It's such stupid tunnel vision nonsense.

I hope it gets better, I really do because some of this is f*****g tedious.