Things have been happening lately that has brought on feelings of betrayal and rejection. A while ago, a friend of mine just decided out of the blue that we aren't friends anymore and I now I know why. They're still mad at me about a stupid disagreement about some stupid argument we had on social media. He seems to think I'm bloody Donald Trump or something. Worst part is that I know he has tried to avoid meeting up with mutual friends if I'm there. Seriously, I remember when a friend of mine was planning a birthday outing and he was so rude to her and I honestly believe he declined because he knew I'd be there. They used to organize things and never tell me about them. Only when my best friend invited me to the facebook chat did I know anything they were doing. I know it has been hard to contact me because I've been away to a different city, but I can't help but feel that, bar a few exceptions, I'm just not wanted around. I feel like I'm sensing a pattern, honestly.
There are friendships I have invested so much into that either ended bitterly or they just take my patience and loyalty for granted. I feel used and disposed of and it feels like any day now I'll have to burn my bridges before people do it for me in the future. I don't want to end my friendships and I live my friends very much, but right now I feel like I couldn't handle the hurt. I'd rather be hated than forgotten or ignored. I find it hard to allow myself to be vulnerable to others and to have that thrown back in my face just reeks of betrayal.
I feel villified by society even though I'm trying my best to find a job and make the most out of the situation I'm in. I'm constantly rejected by employers, by society and I'm sick of grovelling to get by. I hate the DWP, I hate the Tories and I hate this country because its run by liars, greedy psychopaths and child-molesters. The NHS is essentially being put up on eBay and so are our human rights. So, yeah, maybe I come across as a tin foil hat conspiracy theorist, but its hard not to look at the world and connect the dots. People only want to look out for themselves, especially now that psychopathy is rewarded in society.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother even trying. I just want to push everyone away from me because my fear of disappointing and hurting others is just holding me back. I have so many useless, worthless emotions, like shame, regret, heartbreak. If other people seem content on f*****g me over, then why should I lose sleep over it. Maybe this time I'll let them be the ones to cry about it. Nice guys finish last seems to be a true sentiment right now.
As for how I am villified by society, I'm not going to be made to feel ashamed for asking for what I am entitled to as a citizen. If anyone f***s me over for that, I will exercise my rights or demand that they are respected.
I am done with being a performing monkey.
And I'm seriously sleep deprived and don't make a lot of sense and no doubt autocorrect has changed a few things in this message.
