Concerned wife

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Hi all, I searched hi and low on web for a good forum to ask for advice and help on.....hope there is someone who can relate to my situation.

I am pretty sure that my hubby has some form of autism. He is well educated and clever man.

I have read the traits of it and he has quite of few of them. We have been married for 14yrs but its been a very exhausting marriage, not for him but for me. His temper, his violence to me and his outbursts to others (so embarrassing) his lack of empathy, his computer obssession, using of the 'f' word inappropriately and in front of others, his direct and often upsetting manorism to others. Lack of sense of humour and not 'understanding' it. Constantly licking his lips which can be rather weird when his around other females. I tolerate him but I have fallen out of love with him and have been made ill and very depresssed with his outbursts to my family and friends. I know they say his a 'weirdo' and I tend to keep him away from family. When we are with them Im so on edge, my heart beats fast and I just cant wait to get him out of the family/friend gathering. I feel exhaused and have had enough of him. Final straw was yesterday when he upset the poor little 88yr old lady next door, but he never admits that he was damn rude or abrupt. I'm at my witts end as he refuses to see anyone when I've mentioned he has a problem that hopefully could be helped. Can someone relate to this ?

I will say one thing: Autism doesn't excuse his actions, his cursing, his violence.

You cannot allow him to do these things to you--autism or no autism.

Cursing is not part and parcel of autism; neither is violence.

He has to learn to keep his hands to himself, and to make an effort in the relationship.

If he keeps using autism as an excuse, there is no way you could continue the marriage without much unhappiness.

kraftiekortie, thank you for your reply. He would 'never' say he has autism, and when I have mentioned maybe he has it, he hits the roof. Shouting at me saying you better apologise or else.....so I always say ok Im sorry.

I have been punched, dragged and hit many times when he can't control his temper or discuss anything rationally like any other person.

I have had enough and Im always walking on egg shells.

His a proffessional man with degrees but he has been sacked from 3 posts due to his manorism. I used to love him and maybe I can have feelings for him again one day but, if he refuses to get help, Im planning my way to get out before he really drags me into the ground with depression and nerves.

People can relate to what you are saying, but as Kraftie is saying, your husband being violent is an issue and you deserve to feel and to be safe. Whether your husband is on the autism spectrum or not is not really related except in terms of if he wants help to make things better.

You are born with autism or you are not, it doesn't suddenly come on in middle age, although certainly people can change over time and may stop trying as hard to fit in. However, if your husband controlled himself when angry when he met you and now he doesn't, that's a shift in his priorities that moves you down a notch. It's in his control. Autism might contribute to where he sets priorities, but he is making choices.

You are welcome at WrongPlanet for support. My advice about the violence is to look at resources specifically for victims of domestic violence. You could also look for a therapist knowledgeable about autism to learn more, but that would be for support for you. Most therapists will not see you as a couple if your husband is physically violent (even if he were willing) because it might put you at risk.

I am wondering, sometimes a child or other family member is the impetus for wondering about autism, as well it can be really stressful having a child on the spectrum. Do you have other family you suspect or know have autism that has led you to wondering about it for your husband?

I had written what's above, I see you've posted again and I want to add: you deserve to be safe. I hope you can make that your priority right now.