Took a peek at reality and panicked --- again

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I've been hiding most of this spring break. Spending a lot of time on the boards. Just as a was when I screwed myself over last quarter. Sure, I know that I can't handle the reality of existence and all that crap, but I should be able to do a few simple things.

Tried cleaning my apartment. I've been avoiding this. Spent about 20 mins, and just couldn't keep going.

This all got set off, because I started looking at my e-mails from school. I haven't registered yet, and don't know my schedule, yet I have to make replies as to what sections I'm to teach. It all is really easy - I just can't face it.

The funniest part is that I even know a simple little trick which should be able to get me through - making lists of what I have to do, and just doing them. The problem is, I can't even make the damned lists. Again - real easy; but no go.

Yeah, it's pathetic, and yeah, I know what I need to do. So why the heck can't I just put my ass in gear and do it? I don't know what good it does to put this here - there's really nothing that can be said. But, maybe just writting it down helps. I don't know.

Have you ever tried medicine? I had a co-worker that was ADD. He said the medicine was awesome and he regretted the past 40 years of not doing stuff. He took two types of medicine, one was for ADD and the other was depression medicine. However, it was the ADD medicine that change his abilities to be motivated. He really explained your symptoms to me. It was a very traumatic experience for him, to move from not doing stuff to accomplishing stuff. He said he got so much done, that it improved his marriage. In the past, his wife could never figure out why he couldn't get motivated.

I'm an advocate for medicine. I know there are a lot of people that don't like the idea; however, I think it's such a personal choice and it should be an option. If it doesn't work or you don't like the concept....then that's good also.

I do that, too, Calandale. I put things off, and put them off, and pretty soon, there's only so much I can do, and it's too late.

I think Cordelia has a point, but you don't have much time to register, do you?

I also think if you take it in steps, and do cleaning for twenty minutes, and then something else for twenty minutes, and then back to cleaning, it might work with your state of mind better.

Even if meds work, it will take practice to break the habit of being unfocussed. Or at least I found that's the way it was with me. I had to keep working at it, because my old way of doing things was pretty entrenched.

Metta, Rjaye.

I know that I'll manage to get things together enough to register. And get my apt clean. All in one flash of activity.

This is just not the way that I can be succesful though, and it's one hell of a bad sign for my immediate future. Yeah, it's depression. But I don't dare touch drugs for it. I've seen too many people lose the spark, and that's about all that I have going for me. I really need to be more in touch with my insanities to be able to do the kind of work that I need, in order to be noticed. Plus, I don't want to lose who I am. I'd rather fail at life than lose myself.

I always hear about people loosing their spark when taking drugs....I'm really bothered and concerned when I hear this. That shouldn't happen. I have heard it from other folks too. They've stopped taking medicine becuase it really dragged them down. I agree with them, they shouldn't take medicine. However, I know this other co-worker that was bi-polar and she really had personal problems....It's so unique.

I think it happens becuase people/kids are mis-diagnosed and are given the wrong medicine.

ADD is unable to motivate. ADHD is motivating too fast. bi-polar is that fluctuation between the two. Depression is altoughter different, it's a true sadness that impacts our hearts and minds. I know there really is more differences than that; however, if the psychologists understood how those chemical interact (those in our brain/synapses and those that scientists make)...more people would be helped.

I take serotin (SSR) and it works great. When I first took it; my brain actually got warm and tingly. I personally think I could actually feel the synapses moving together. It was so odd. Anyway, it took 6 weeks for my body to adjust to the medicine. That six weeks was painful, becuase I had to move all the time and I couldn't sleep. Now, my body's adjusted and I feel great. I can handle problems, small things, unable to motivate. I don't think I have ADD/ADHD however, my brother does. I think mine is more autism/asperger's because i used to bang my head when I was little (like autism) and I also don't get social/non-verbal communications. He get's it all, but he works in spurts.

I can't read long posts...I read a little...and then I stop and then read more

...I always feel bad when I write one.....it's tough. Sorry.

I've never been on any anti-depressents. Those that I know were on them did not report any problems. But, I could see that something precious was lost in every one of them. They had become like the 'normal' people. I don't want this to happen. If there is any value to my existence, it is in my insanity. I just have to learn to reach a level of functioning - within it.

I've been on a few different SSRIs. Not a one of them did any good for more than six months, leading me to believe it was nothing more than the placebo effect. Others I know, medicine has worked great. Unfortunately the best way to determine whether or not you would benefit from a given medication is to take the medication. Trial and error at its worst. I just gave up on finding the right one, had too many errors.

You are in college and cannot bring yourself to clean your apartment? Yea, like you would do laundry before running out of socks and underwear?

We call that College Life. A good pair of jeans will stand when leaned aginst a wall. Who does not spray air freshner on dirty clothes and wear them again. You are in college for an education, not to learn Home Ec.

College is where everyone acts like an aspie for a few years. Children are made to clean their rooms, your mess is a sign of maturity. It is a record of your independance, preserve it.

It is a normal transition between an ordered past and an ordered future, enjoy it while you can.

Do every thing at the last minute, just get by. Do not waste layabout time by being an over achiver. The load you skip leaves space for mental development, the one purpose of college. You are new cheeze, you are supposed to get moldy, smell bad, and age into good cheeze. After you get an education and a degree, you can take a bath and clean up well.

Once you graduate and get a job you will never have time to live at home again. It will just be where you sleep. College is a time to discover who we are, yes you are like that, so get used to it. You will cope, suddenly clean everything, it will pass. The point is you are now living with your own choices. All is acceptable till the Board of Health shows up.

I do not mean to be insulting when I say you are completely normal.

Sometimes I get the same way, calandale. You feel like you want to punt the entire mess. For me, it is always a sign of depression and the fact that there are so many small tasks to look after and it taxes the poorly functioning executive function. Zoloft helps me, but I only take for about 6 weeks to get the synapses replenished and my seratonin level elevated.

In my mind, it is a simple depletion of seratonin from high levels of stress over a long period. I don't beat myself up over it and I hope you won't either.

Good luck with it.

Inventor - no insult taken, but you just don't know me. I'm not a normal college student. I'm a 40 year old mess, who's never gotten anything right, and was trying to seek out something that MIGHT just enable me to live partially in the real world. Frankly, I'm not sure that anything less than a PhD is sufficient - and even that might not be enough.

SeriousGirl - it takes so damned long to recharge. Last year, I dropped a quarter, and it took me half of that and the whole summer. I still didn't feel ready, until classes actually started. Then I hit a high that took me through 'til break. The month for XMas didn't help, because I wasn't coming off a failure. I just wasted time, instead of preparing properly. Between these two quarter's, I've only had one week break. That's just not enough for me. But, it will have to do.

Thank you all for your support. I'm hoping that I'm seeing some light. I got so far as to actually make a list. Now I need to start doing things. I hope.

Several seconds before I read your initial post in this thread, Calandale, I was fixing myself food (after having procrastinated on that task for a few hours) and contemplating why it is that I've been so damn lazy lately. I didn't used to be like this. I used to get things done early. I'm in school also, last semester I did great, but this semester I've just given up. I've given up on most everything, I'm having an identity and/or midlife crisis. I don't recognize myself anymore. All I want is to be left alone and do nothing.

I've been off and on various meds for 11 years and usually stop taking them because it doesn't feel quite right, then six weeks later after the serotonin has dropped I realize why I need them and I start the cycle again. I'm on them right now, and really feel like I need them or I'd be in even worse shape. Sigh. I'm rambling.

No point to this reply at all, just an "I can totally relate" post.

that's more than cool. There was no real point to me posting, other than to spew out some words.

posting on haven helped me a lot as well...I frequent the 'how do you feel on a scale of 1-10' thread...I find it very helpful....
I can relate to what you're going through...I just hope that you will be able to get in touch with the reserve of energy you have...as you always have been able to...and as you have helped so many others to...

I haven't been that capable. Just for a couple of years. I thought I
had things licked. But since getting here, it's become hard again.
The one nice thing is that there's always a way - even if it's not
a productive or acceptable one. Still, I want so damned much to
make up for all the time that I did nothing at all.

I'm not sure if this is relevant to you, but I have to keep reminding myself of the "tyranny of the should". That many of my motives and actions are driven by feeling I should be able to keep the house clean, I should be a good mother, I should be a productive member of society. When I remind myself that these may be false beliefs, I can clear my head and focus on what's most important. Or sometimes I clear my head and find a void. It depends.

Some of them are required though, and I'm having trouble getting even the minimal action to survive going. Like buying food.