Hating Myself

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Irrationally, I hate myself, and I want to change. I had extreme difficulties growing up, and while they are not going away, I have become mostly successful. In fact, some in my field would argue that I am very successful. I get my master's from a prestigious technical school in December, I have a great full-time job, and serve in a national leadership position for a professional association. Objectively, my life is good.

And yet I still hate myself. I always think I am on the verge of failure. I am not very social, either, nor am I a good enough leader for people to respect. What I really don't like about myself is that I prefer to be alone 90 percent of the time. Networking is a big part of what I do, and I will do it if pushed. However, I almost always prefer a movie in or reading a book alone to going out with friends. Many of the events are with people I should be networking with, but just do not have the emotional stamina to endure.

My lifestyle may also be causing rifts with my family. My family (who do not live near me), like to vacation together once a year. I have declined in the past few years because I do not enjoy when we are all together, nor am I enjoyable. It's not that I do not love them individually, but they are a lot for me to handle when they are all together.

I would like to change from hating myself, but am afraid that hating myself is why I am where I am right now. If I change, I might become a loser.

I, obviously, don't see any reason for you to hate yourself. You're just not a social person, nor are a surprising amount of people. l don't like socializing with family, either.

I feel, as long as you are not harming yourself or others, that you are living a good life, and doing what you desire. I wish your family could understand this.

ah. you need to adapt to be succesful, yet adapting wears you out and makes you feel miserable. However, if you stopped, you'd also stop being successful.
Sounds like the classic problem Aspies have in NT-careers, myself not excluded. But know, that havng this problem is no reason to hate oneself.
Make sure you have enough time for yourself, and make sure you use the money you're earning on things that help you recharge.
If you can't recharge, all money is worthless.
But I fear, you've invested so much energy in your successful career that you have supressed the urge to cater to your needs for so long, you forgot how to do it... - if you ever really knew how. Just guessing.